Siamese children related by the heart

Where do you go, with a heart that wants to stay and a soul that wants to go home? My mind doesn't want to stay either, so I'm guessing it's two against one, but my body always wins and it wants to stay the most. I don't even know why my body is trying so extremely hard to keep me alive. What is its goal? What does it want? Does it even have a clue? It's like a machinery put on autopilot and there's no stopping it. I can't pull the plug cause it's automatic and runs on god knows what.

I don't even know what to compare it with. Stupidity, perhaps. That my body is just stupid and keeps me alive for absolutely no reason at all. It carries a mind and soul that don't want to be alive and have never wanted it in the first place. My longing for Dala is not extreme today, but my wish to stay live is still non-existent. I guess I don't care much where I am, I just don't like being alive in this awful place. Yeah, yeah, I get by with my poems and drawings and the people I care about but none of that makes me truly want to stay alive. I don't think anything ever can.

Except possibly love. If it's K, or someone else, sometime in the future. Yeah, I'm still hooked on the idea that love can make me want to give life another chance. I don't think it could save me, but it could possibly help me save myself. Is that stupid, to think that way? When I don't even know what it is I'm hoping for? I mean I've never had it. How can I then know it's gonna be my ticket out of misery? I can't know. I can only hope, cause after all, it's literally the only hope I have left.

I don't dream anymore, I don't see the point in doing so, cause dreams only shatter eventually, I might as well spare myself from that pain and stop dreaming altogether. At school, they almost force me to dream. To think about the future in what they perceive as positive ways, but all that does is hurting me because it can never turn out that way. I'm a realistic, rational person who is also very romantic and has unrealistic dreams and high hopes. It does not match very well. As my realistic side keeps bringing down my dreamy side and the other way around. The two sides constantly tear each other apart.

It's become exhausting and only wounds are left. I'm tired of fighting myself, watching different sides of me tear each other bloody for there can't ever be a middle ground and they can't ever find a way to co-exist. That's the reality of being a contradiction, and that's just the me side of me, I haven't even included Anna. She's a third part in almost everything. So maybe I'm not just black and white simultaneously, I'm black white and something else as well. Cause I don't know which colour to possibly give Anna. Maybe purple, soothing and calming like blue, but fiery and raging like red. I don't know.

But yeah, my contradictions tear me to pieces cause they're always fighting each other no matter how much I'm trying to not let any fights go on inside of me. They just can't agree to disagree under any circumstances. At all. Fight, fight, fight, win, win, win. Maybe there just is no god damned winning? I'm tired of it. I feel a bit like maybe I was supposed to be parted up into three different people instead of "just" two, but I'm somehow the mind of two different personalities. Like my soul was supposed to be split again, but only partially did.

I see it a little as that at least, that me and Anna is some kind of soul split. I really am grasping at straws and it's just a theory, or a way for me to describe it. I think it's at least fairly close to what could be the truth? I used to be just one person, then suddenly I was two. One primary personality (John) and one dormant (Anna), but they're both me. We haven't really gotten even one step closer to becoming one again. It's like... we become more different and apart from each other all the time, at the same time as we're also becoming more alike. We both are expanding. She shows new sides and I do too.

I still can't help but wonder who I would have been if I had never split the way I did. That song, "Jigsaw" by Marillion, makes me think a lot about Anna and us two. Like, I'm still not 100% sure of how to even interpret the lyrics, but yeah. "We are Siamese children related by the heart, bleeding from the surgery of initial confrontation, holding the word scalpels on trembling lips." -kinda makes me think about that. Like, if we'd ever separate, you know. And also "Are we trigger happy? Russian roulette in the waiting room." reminds of how eager we may be to separate. A little too eager, perhaps.

And "drifting past the point of reasons why" is a part of the lyrics I also relate to, but that is harder to explain exactly why. But yeah, always when I hear that song it makes me think about Anna. Oh, but I have a whole playlist of songs on Spotify that remind me of her. I can barely breathe as I chain smoke again. The crew said they'd call "later" but now it's just too damn late and I'm too tired to do anything. They had some planning to do or something. I don't care which.