Love and will

I start missing K more intensively again. Don't interpret this the wrong way, but it's a bit like with my headache, how I talk about that "I have a headache today" which actually means "my headache is worse than usual" and it's the same with when I say "I miss K" cause then I actually mean "I miss K more than usual." Missing him is just as chronic as my headache is, just that sometimes, although not that often, I actually don't miss him, because then I am with him.

So I don't see it as something actually quite that chronic or at least not in a disease sort of sense. Although... sometimes loving him feels like having the plague. Absolutely nothing against him, but I do have something against my own feelings. They're just too wild, chaotic, burning and running loose. I wish I could control them somehow, like befriending a wild beast without actually taming it. Cause I don't want to tame my feelings, I just want to have some amount of control.

I don't know who of us will die first and it scares me. It sends my brain into overdrive when the loneliness hits me. I believe, I accept my fate as much as he accepts his, and I have nothing to say to him. A normal person might try to talk him into shit and what not, but I just can't do that. I've never tried to talk him into anything, cause I know. I fucking know because I'm in it too. Okay, our situations are far from the same, but there are definitely similarities when it comes to this. I guess... I'd somehow want for him to know that I'm scared, but that I don't want to push him in any direction. I want to walk by his side.

But I just can't find the words, not in the right language or beyond language. I fear his death a lot more than I fear my own, perhaps that's not so strange, but the fear is consuming me entirely. It snuffs out everything. I've never felt anything so paralysing as that specific fear. It led me to my first real panic attack ever, it's led me to complete numbness and a helplessness I cannot grasp. But no, if he doesn't want to be saved or helped, I won't. The same way that I think he wouldn't save or help me if I didn't want that.

But I love him so much, that he's the only person alive on the entire planet who's help I would accept. That I would want, and gladly take. No, I certainly do not demand it from him, I don't even wait for it to happen, I'm not expecting it to happen. It's just there, that knowledge. That he's the only one who could possibly "save" me because he's the only one I'd let. And I do write that in quotation because I don't believe people can really save each other, not when it comes to this, but let me phrase it this way instead: that if he'd offer his full support and help me go through what I would need to go through to get better, then I would gladly accept, but only if it's him.

No, not my mother, not my best friend, not anyone else. And no, I won't even dare ranking who I love the most of those three. They are my most loved people here on Earth. Those three. In that order. I could say that I love them equally much, but I'm not sure if that would be the truth. But, I think putting my best friend and K in the same rank as my mother surely does mean a lot, since I'm very close to my mother.

Anyhow, I try not to think about it too much. I can't and won't, entirely shut that fear of him dying before me, out. But I press it down just enough to be able to breathe. It's almost literally killing me from the inside when it hits me and I really can't cope then. I crash, and I crash very hard. Like I have never in my life before. But lately, I don't know, but I've sort of developed a strategy to be able to cope with it. I don't know how, but instead of crashing, I just shut off. I distract myself, try to think of something else, but inside I'm just empty, hollow.

So, you could say I've learned to live with that paralysing fear. And, from time to time, I wonder if his partner also get similar reactions when he's down. I hope they do, cause somehow, I don't want them loving him less than I do. But maybe, of course, we could work in different ways and still love him equally much or what the hell do I even know. I don't know. I don't know a shit. Just thinking about this, remembering where it brought me, feeling it, makes me start rocking myself automatically. I didn't even notice it until several seconds into it.

I don't crash as hard anymore, but it lingers. For days at an end I can't think about or feel anything else. It's just scraping me with its claws inside of me, but not causing any major wounds. Well, it does, but I just don't notice it in the same way anymore. My fears cripple me, sometimes more than I can handle, but this I've somehow learned how to cope with, on some level at least. Certainly not all the time, but most of the time.

Does it mean it hurts any less? No... but in a way, as awful as it may sound, I think I've gotten used to it. That it just is that way, a fear that I just have to live with. And I am, living with it, somehow. I don't know for sure, if this is a step in the right direction, or if I'm running away from that feeling. But I don't think I am, it doesn't feel like running, not when I actually allow that feeling to be there. I don't cut it away, or drink it away. I don't resort to anything, I just... I don't know exactly what I'm doing actually, but stay calm and breathe. Know that it's gonna hit me again and again and there's nothing I can do, but to deal with it.

And I think I am, in some way at least. I just know that I have to, for some reason. To be strong for him, perhaps. That's something I always want to be, but can only be in shorter times. I can't even be strong for myself, so yeah. But yeah, he's still more important to me than I am to myself. His life matters more than mine, to me. So somehow, I can be there for him even when I can't be there for myself. I reach out of my shell, somehow. Love and will stronger than self perseverance.