It was 1,5 years ago I last stood on that balcony but it's what I remember most about my visits to Uppsala. It was where I smoked, most of the time. One of the reasons I don't want to go there winter time, smoking on that cold balcony. And it will almost have been 2 years when I go there next time. I remember when I lived in Uppsala and would visit my family on Gotland about 6-7 times a year. These days I'm not visiting anyone that often. I had this idea that back then, when I had moved the visits would be reversed, that I'd see my friends in Uppsala 6-7 times a year. I guess that's another shattered dream.
And I'm scared as hell that I'll enter another binge cycle and eat my way back up to 63 kg again. I need to lose, not gain, why can't my stupid body just get that? I don't know what happened, why it was so easy to lose from 80 kg to 60 and then it just got so fucking hard, I just can't do it. Please stay, you fucked up eating disorder, don't leave me!
And I don't know which of us is more fucked up than the other. My eating disorder that is trying to leave me, or me, begging it to stay no matter what it takes. Just get me back into starvation, I still want anorexia. But I still don't think I'll ever get there. With my impatience, I starve too hard and too desperately when I can and eat too much and too obsessively when I can't starve. It's just a never ending cycle and I feel as though I'm getting nowhere. I feel that's the reality of ednos, just losing and gaining and losing and gaining until your body can't take it anymore.
That is, if I don't "get help" again. Which I have no intention of getting. I'd rather be stuck in that fucking cycle than live with ED thoughts for the rest of my life and still eating normally. I'm not a quitter and I'm not giving up my disastrous eating disorder. I'm gonna get back into starvation, just fucking watch me.
And I'm still bothered by it but I can't say what it is. I worry too much about what other people think, I really do. I wish I didn't though. And I wonder would anyone else act the same way I do if they were in my situation? If maybe I'm just painfully lonely but I really do know it's not quite that way, not quite that bad. But I just can't be with the one I love and it's still tearing me to pieces.
I just keep telling myself he wants me as a friend at least but sometimes I'm not that sure of that either. And I remember he once told me I'm one of his best friends but I think things have changed since then and in my head I keep thinking what have I done? It keeps echoing in my head that I wasn't even in his top 9 quite recently and it just hurt like hell.
Maybe I'm just too far away, too complicated and wanting too damn much. More than he could ever give me. I just feel unwanted in every single way and it just makes me want to die even more. How much more could I want to die?
The concept of soulmates is confusing to me. I've always had one, but never been more alone. I've had at least one. Cause there's Caspian of course, and also my best friend and I have always thought of each other as some kind of soulmates too. Such friends really don't grow on trees, you know. We've known each other since daycare/pre-school and became best friends when we were 12, which is 14 years ago. And then of course I can't help but thinking/feeling that K is sort of a soulmate for me as well, but I'm not his.
But no matter how or who I view as a soulmate I'm still painfully alone. I still don't have anyone to hold. There are right people but they're just not here. And I find myself automatically resisting what I feel right now, without really wanting to. I just don't have any more words to describe it and there's a silent war inside of me and I'm not on either side.
I just step aside and let that fight go on cause what else am I supposed to do? I'm hoping my feelings can kill me before I do. I can't just sit here. There's a war inside me and I'm not even participating, what the fuck? Just stop fighting damn it. I don't care who wins, I really don't. It's racing my heart and giving me more headache.
So I crashed on the couch cause it was making me extremely tired. Now I don't even know what went on, but I guess emptiness won. That happens a lot lately, or it feels like it does. And I'm just so tired all the time. I just fall asleep before anything gets the chance to kill me. I don't try to escape with sleep, sleep escapes with me.
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