My mind just keeps going places again. Takes me back in time to old memories that it wants to change. My former contact person at the eating disorder unit whom I saw from roughly a year ago until this summer and half couldn't stand. How she at one point pressured me to talk about K, way too private things she had no business in knowing at all.
She was just too curious and pushed me into saying more than I was comfortable with. I didn't answer what she repeatedly asked me, what she ultimately wanted to know about him. It was just an awful experience and how did she have the guts to even go that far?
There's just something wrong with her and I avoid her now. No one says I have to see her and I did choose my shrink instead of her. Loud and clear, she knows to stay away. I never told her why I can't stand her half the time. But her persistent curiosity... it's something wrong and unprofessional about it. Like, she doesn't seem to know anything about personal space, or that I'm even allowed to have that. Sadly, I think she only took my case cause I'm an interesting person and she wanted my secrets.
No, it doesn't have to have been that way but it certainly is a possibility. And I can't let it go, I can't let go of my memories of our sessions, our meetings at her office. She asked me very personal questions about K, she asked me very personal questions about myself. And I think that if I had kept seeing her, hiding my eating disorder relapse would have been impossible. She would have much likely noticed my weight loss and commented on it. She would have asked a million questions that would have been hard for me to answer without telling the truth.
I just don't want the psychiatry to poke in my eating habits ever again. It has become something half private, a secret to some. Now my mother knows, but she also knows I don't want to get better and so far she hasn't been pushing me in that direction. I'm thankful for that. Like I just want to be able to discuss it with her without her pushing me to recovery when it's the last thing I want. So yeah. And facebook and of course tumblr knows too. So, ultimately, the only ones who doesn't know are my school, the crew and the psychiatry. And let's keep it that way.
Aha, my hair is finally getting dry again. I've been fixing with it since 19:00 o'clock and finally it's getting done. It's almost 23:30... And it's not even a drastic change, I just flipped it to my left side, shaved my right sidecut that had grown out quite a bit, and bleached the roots to my blonde fringe. Oh, and washed the whole shit. That somehow took me over 4 hours. Cause I had to wait for it to dry all the time. I'll post a picture soon enough. But then I also dyed and trimmed both my beard and eyebrows as well, so that's included in that time.
I can't make my brain work much today, and I just broke my fast. But just having that one meal today and I can at least say that I've been restricting. To something around 300-400 calories. Oh sigh, let's try again tomorrow, shall we? Still have two days ahead of me when I can fast. Alright, I give up for today. It's 1:30 and I should probably go to bed. If I can even remotely fall asleep after all this coffee, that is. My face looks too damn awful tonight so I won't take a picture of it for a hair update. Wait until tomorrow when I can put on some make-up or something. Cause it's too damn late for make-up right now.
I'm just red and swollen and my acne is just hideous. Like, my forehead and my nose look good but the rest is just blotches in all shades of red. So, I'll smack on some foundation before taking a few pictures tomorrow. Maybe get creative with eye make-up too if I find the energy. But at least I'm happy with how my hair turned out. Even though I feel like my face looks like utter shit. Can't have everything, right?
I'm getting hungry again but can't have more coffee now. It's soon 2:00 am and I should sleep. But I'm not even remotely tired yet. Maybe just a little then. I've been listening to the same song on repeat for days now, "Smaller" by Ashbury Heights. Apparently it's a Swedish music group, and they soothe my exhausted soul. I don't even know how but I think blue somehow became my favourite colour after black and silver. But not all shades of blue, just certain ones. Pure blues and blues with hints of green. Medium to dark, preferably. Like cobalt, petrol and cyan.
I don't know if it really is that way, but if it is I switched from red to blue and like even how? They're not even similar to each other, those two colours. But how come I didn't even notice when I changed favourite colour? Seems like something I should have noticed, but I don't even know when that could have possibly happened. Like maybe last time I dyed my hair red, a few months ago and could only stand having that hair colour a couple of weeks or so, I should have realised.
Black still rules my world though, and silver comes in as close second. Also I like white, but only as a detail colour. But snow white hair really does look stunning to me. If it suits the person having it. Maybe that's only cause I remember Caspian had snow white/silvery hair back in Dala. He just looked like a cold, bright light, shining up my world without erasing my darkness.
I do want to have colourful hair again but I don't even know which one if I could. My hair couldn't handle it at all. But if I could dream? Nah, I don't think I really want colourful hair, not now at least. But I have been sort of wanting it half black, half white again, but in a mohawk. But that's not gonna happen. Instead I have a black/brown weird ass hairstyle with a blonde fringe and an uneven sidecut. But I'm not really complaining right now, I think it looks alright.
For someone who hasn't been to a hair salon for over a year (I can't even remember the last time, but probably summer 2014) I think my hair looks pretty decent. Now I just need it to get longer, thicker and to stop breaking. Then I think I'll bleach it again, but only if I've abstained from dyeing it. I think it would only take 1 or 2 rounds of bleaching my natural brown hair to get it light blonde (doesn't have to be white, platinum blonde would be light enough) and have it like that for as long as I can but stop bleaching before it gets too damaged again. Then I really don't know what I would do with it but by then it would be years from now.
I need to stop obsessing about my hair. But it's just been so much out of my control and it's felt like I haven't been able to do anything at all with it except giving it time to grow out. Alright I need to stop for now, hopefully I'll have something more exciting to write about tomorrow. I don't know, don't hope too hard.
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