I've been coughing like crazy this night when I was asleep. I mean, it woke me up probably a dozen of times. I know that purging causes it, as well as my smoking and my always runny nose. So that's three solid reasons and I was choking. I'm now at my third cup of coffee for today since I got up around 7:00 and it's now 9:24. I feel something of a rush but I'm still tired. Not sleepy-tired, more like exhausted-tired.
I don't remember what I dreamed so I'm guessing it might not have been so bad. I do still sleep a lot better when I'm drinking compared to when I'm not, and I did drink last night. It just somehow seems to make my sleep deeper and more solid. I don't wake up as much. Well, if it hadn't been for the coughing, that is. I still have hours to go before I need to be at school and I think I can make it. I'm not fully rested and still exhausted but it's not tipping me over the edge yet.
I did get some rest this night and the evening/afternoon before that. Managed to stay awake until around midnight as well. I really am nervous about that Christmas lunch/dinner with school but I think it can turn out alright. Although... the weirdest thing is that the classmate I told about my ED actually suggested that I should go purge mid meal if I felt the need to. And now somehow that makes me feel like I have to do that, or else things will get difficult. Like, maybe she'd doubt that I have an ED or shower me in compliments about how good it was of me to not purge, afterwards.
Oh my god... I just saved this entry on my computer as the date of today and I just realised something. I said to myself "It's someone's birthday today..." and then it hit me. I remember who's birthday it is. My ex R's. He should be turning 26 years old now, if I remember correctly that we were born the same year. I think we were, and he was just months younger than me. Oh, how that bothered him when we were dating. Like "oh noes, my girlfriend is older than me" he used to complain. Yeah, I was his girlfriend at the time, as I didn't know any better yet.
The only thing that bothered me about our age gap was his constant complaints about it. It was just 8 months difference, in the "wrong" way. We weren't all that conventional as a couple, we were pretty equal in a lot of ways. Like, in some ways he was more feminine than me and the other way around. We shared almost everything, items, jewellery, chores, thoughts, feelings, money, sometimes even clothes. But that wasn't very easy, as we had very different styles of clothing and also very different sizes. He literally couldn't wear my clothes as they just didn't fit at all, but I sometimes wore his.
So now I'm back there again, thinking about my ex. I can only imagine it might be getting repetitive to read about him here by now. As I don't have much more memories to share, than those I have already shared. I can't let go of him, of what we had. It's been over 7 years since we split up, since I saw him for the last time. I just keep wondering if I'll ever see him again and what I would want to say to him. Would I tell him the good and leave the bad out for an upbeat conversation or would I tell him about both the good and the bad, to give him the reality of my truth?
I wish he would even want to talk to me. It's been 7 years, he might or might not be more healed by now. I did break his heart, but he also broke mine. I didn't move on, and I wonder if he did. I wonder where he's at. If he's dating again I really do hope he treats that person a lot better than he treated me. I never told him how much he hurt me and messed up my entire life, so how can he even know that he did something wrong?
I still don't hope for him to be miserable, or anything along those lines. I don't know what I hope, but maybe just that he's become wiser and less manipulative. That he's become a better person. I don't know if he ever could though. I do imagine him still being hurt, lonely but with a more stable life. That he might have his own apartment, or something similar to the home I have.
He did have a lot of difficulties similar to what I have, and a bunch of diagnoses, but I don't know for sure which of all the diagnoses he said he had that he actually had. I know asperger was for sure, and adhd or if it was add. The rest I don't know and I can't remember it either. Yeah, he spoke of narcissistic personality disorder and that's actually also rather likely that he had. But I doubt he had that one on paper.
But then again, don't I too speak of having diagnoses that I don't have on paper too? I have extreme trust issues with doctors/psychiatrists and when they tell me I don't have something I might not always believe them. Especially if I think they're just assuming and won't even take the time to run a diagnostic test on me. Like I'm pretty sure I have dysthymia, body dysmorphic disorder, generalised anxiety disorder, some kind of adhd and some kind of dissociative disorder. I don't really think I have schizophrenia anymore. It just doesn't fit, it never really seemed to fit, I was just trying to explain what I couldn't.
Like, I do, in periods, have a lot of symptoms of it, but never fully. I don't really get psychoses, and my delusions aren't that severe, if they even are delusions. I think so though. I've been searching for an answer for 14 years, on the question of who is Anna and why do I have her. I first thought of schizophrenia when I was 12, then found out about dissociative identity disorder when I was around 15, and I've been switching between believing I have one or the other of them ever since. Now I've scrapped the former, but do kinda think it has got to do with dissociation of some kind.
I've been searching endlessly, dived into books and articles online, online chat forums and dug through my past and present like with nothing else. I've been more than desperate to find out, more than keen to know. I know that someday I'll put my fears aside and straight out tell my shrink that I want to do the diagnostic tests for whatever is most reasonable to get to the core with my Anna issue once and for all. No, I don't want treatment, I just want to know, that's all.
I've lived with her in my head for over 17 years and I can't and won't let go of her. She's still my guardian angel, although a half evil one. She still does her job of protecting me from the worst bits of my past, she keeps those memories for me and from me. That's her main job, a guardian of memories, a keeper of pain. And she won't give away the key to those memories easily, but I know that someday she will. She knows I must know sooner or later. It's a part of my path, a part of my journey to... wherever the hell I'm going.
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