I guess you could say my contact person at the eating disorder unit has absolutely no respect for personal space/privacy, as she literally pumped me for information about K today. Because I decided to tell her about that I'm in love and how that impacts my life. I didn't know what to say when she tried to make me say private things about him, which are not my secrets to tell. Of course I kept my mouth shut about it, I'm not completely disloyal, but it was hard trying to talk to her that way.
I told her a lot of stuff today, everything except that about me possibly getting suicidal. That lie was so easy all I had to say was agreeing when she said I don't seem to be suicidal at all. She saw it as the exact opposite, that I'm striving for life because of my wish to have a child, which I also told her about. I just wanted to include both the good and the bad, you know.
If that's my way of lying about what's really bad, or if I just want to give an almost complete overview, I don't know, you tell me. I eat less again, I also lied about that. Nowadays I get by on a few sandwiches and one real meal a day. It might be around 1500 calories at most. I don't know what I'm doing with that. If I'm slowly taking down my intake again or if I just don't care about food and eating anymore.
Other than that, I didn't lie. So, just two lies among like ten truths, isn't that maybe, kinda, a small step forward? I don't know. I don't know why I have such a hard time with lying. Maybe because I don't want attention for what I'm lying about. Like I really don't want attention for possibly getting suicidal or starving myself again. It could be that.
It's almost funny, when we talked about children, how she kept on saying that it was better to have a partner when trying for a child, and I kept on repeating that I was not gonna just jump someone for that sake alone. Like hello?! I know some people do that, but it's not very safe, which I pointed out to her, and I honestly don't know if we came to an agreement or not.
She is kinda funny, although mostly in a rather sad way, like I laugh at her instead of with her. Not while she's around, of course, even I got some amount of decency in me. And she's also annoying and over uses the word "sorrowful" or "sad" (I'm not sure how to translate "sorglig" actually) which can be a bit too much sometimes. But a part of me trusts her, in some professional way. Honestly though? I don't know how I can even stand her.
Okay, I think that's all I wanted to say about her and our latest meeting today. I'll write more about my random thoughts later on. About the title of this entry, it really did feel like she pushed me into telling her things. I could have just said that "no, I don't want to talk about this or that" but I did feel pushed, driven to tell the truth.
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