Divided

I'm in that annoying, weird state when I feel hungry and full at the same time. It's not physically possible per se, but it is my mind and my body not cooperating. My mind says I'm full, can't take another bite of that yummy piece of bread - but my body aches and growls for more nutrition. I'm divided in so many weird ways it makes me dizzy just to think of it. The signals between some centers of my brain are not so well connected with some parts of my body. I suppose it's rare cause I haven't heard of or read about it ever, until my uncle said he can't feel hunger as well. So that's my brain and body divided.

Then there's my mind that can't or won't interpret the vague signals my brain and body gives me, but I'm at least somewhat aware of what's going on in there. The thing is that what my mind wants and what my body wants is seldom the same thing. Like for example when I feel like being up all night, but my body is so very tired and craves sleep. By "mind" I mean my immediate conciousness, personality, emotions and all that crap - and by "brain" I mean the subconcious, the parts that controls bodily functions such as hunger, sleep, the five senses, addictions, pain and so on; those parts I don't really have any control over.

But it's more complicated than that, cause we also have Anna. I believe that she is in a way her own person, or a part of me that has taken a sort of life form of its own. We have different personalities, interests, memories, behaviours, clothing styles and so on. We are one person that became two. She is more aware of what the body and the brain is trying to tell us, and she often reminds me of going to the bathroom or to go eat something. Things that I just don't pay attention to.

Sometimes I think it would be better if she was the one controlling our body full time, cause then it's likely I wouldn't keep fucking up my life so much, but rather be healthy, non-smoker, abstainer, and weird in a whole different sort of way. And even more of a recluse. Though I wouldn't be me, "I" would be Anna. People would mistake us for my sister all the time, cause they are quite alike, her and Anna. It would almost be sweet not having to worry about the world around so much, if I was just a voice in her head. I sometimes think about that, what that could have been like. It's a bit of a disturbing, scary thought, being locked inside someone elses head. Perhaps that thought has crossed my mind more often since I am the one who is not human, from another world and a bit deluted. She would fit much better into a female human body.

And then we have my soul, which somehow seems to be even more disconnected from the rest of me, chaotic, uncontrollable and dark. I like to say that there is a gap between my body and soul, and it increases and decreases depending on how I feel. When I'm having a really bad day they are very far apart, which basically means that I'm shattered, drifted away from reality, the emptiness feeling is stronger, my homesickness is stronger and I'm hardly aware of what's going on outside my head. When I'm having a good day my body and soul are closer together and more connected, which means I am more connected, present, together, aware of the world around me, aware of myself and all the sitations around me. Usually it's somewhere in the middle.

So those are the parts of me that are shattered and can't communicate so well. It's part of why I am such a mess, or maybe even THE reason for it. It feels like I've been shoved into this body and this brain, and they chafe and get in the way. It's merely a vessel, a tight fitting suit that was tailored for another person. How do I get my way around that? It's simple: I can't. I can change my body's gender, lose weight, try different clothes and meditate, but that's about it. It's still gonna be a human body, and I'm not comfortable with that. There's no treatment for species dysphoria, and there probably never will be. So I'm stuffing myself full of prescription medications, self-medicating, practise escapism and doing the best I can with what I've got to cope. Or at least I try to.