Home is where the heart is

I've come to notice that some days I think in terms of me being Otherkin and stuff as a psychotic delusion, while other days I'm certain my beliefs are nothing but true. Maybe that is a process that can't decide which way to lean. I'm not sure of that, but it seems to me like it could be a reasonable possibility. That I doubt myself and question even my most important belief. For that is a fact, I question everything I believe in and I have questioned everthing I have ever believed in. I question it so to the point that I don't know what to believe in anymore.

Those days I believe in my Otherkin identity to be nothing but real, I stay away from the Schizophrenia forums online and head for the Otherkin forums - and vice versa.

The truth is that every belief a human being can have can be shattered and turned into a disbelief, if one is eager enough to dig deep enough. It's bound to happen that one will find cracks in the solid pattern, something to hold against the belief, no matter how strong ones faith is, and if one is uncertain of everything already to begin with, it's hard to hold on to a belief of any kind. At least that is what I think, and with that said, will I ever be able to believe in anything through and through? I mean, who is to believe in reincarnation if not the one who has vivid memories of it happening? Yet I fucking question it! If I don't find anything solid enough to truly, utterly, completely, to hundred percent believe in - will I wander around not knowing where I belong for all eternity? Well, by eternity I mean solely this life, which for me isn't much of an eternity. When you've lived three times and been reincarnated twice words like "forever" and "eternity" seems kind of... I don't know, small?

Though, to me the true meaning of the eternity of my life means for how my soul will tag along. I hope it won't be that much longer, cause I'm getting kind of tired. The beliefs I have and or try to find in this life won't in any way be neccesary to take with in a next life. Perhaps, obvious, but I can't know if it is to you. I hope I won't have to reincarnate so many more times, cause that's what I'm fucking tired of. If I get to decide: I'd go back to Dala once I die here, directly, without complication and stay there for the rest of existence. I know I was immortal there, and through my humble knowledge, demons don't die of old age. The thing is that I'm tired of shifting to a new plane of existence, a new body and leaving everyone that I love behind me. I don't think I can do that again, my soul is pretty fragile after that most recent reincarnation and I just don't want to do it again. No more, I've had enough! Once I'm dead, just let me rest in peace. Soul, mind and body. I just want to go home and stay there. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is in Dala.

Time for watching more Buffy episodes now, I think!