I just did a gazillion online quizzes (cause that is what I do... most of the time) asking how old my soul is, and all of them said that mine is very old. Of course I already knew that, so I suppose I just wanted to have a little smile or two, cause I didn't expect that a lot of stupid teenagers making stupid online quizzes would all be right. But it got me thinking. I haven't always been/had such an old soul (duh). When I came here I was more of a mature soul or something.
As a kid it's true that I had more knowledge about life and what it's all about than most adults I met that cared enough to shut up and listen to what I said for a few minutes, but I didn't have much understanding of myself and this world. I must have lost some knowledge on my way from Dala to here, and that was probably good. I was already too evolved for my age as a kid, I cursed myself for my inadequate language skills, I couldn't make anything come out right when I spoke, and I didn't know the words for what I wanted to express.
I think this is one of the reasons language has become so important to me, I need it to be able to communicate in a way that I won't feel it's all too damn impossible to say what I'm trying to say. To understand myself, this world, and to help and guide others. Now I'm starting to reach a point where I know which words to use but they are too complicated for the average Joe (or Jane, or Jamie as an androgynous variant?) to understand. That's a problem. Anyways, what I was going to say is that I've evolved more during my stay on Earth. I don't know if I'm more evolved than ever or if I'm still far from the stage I had reached in Dala, probably the latter, come to think of it. I wouldn't have been an immortal prophet in a fantasy world for nothing.
Then my next question is, will I reach that stage again during this lifetime? I sort of hope so, it would be sweet. When I'm able to remember enough of Dala and who I was there, I'm sure all that knowledge and wisdom will come rushing back to me. All that I once knew, about life and death, living, loving, hoping, what time is, what is important, why I am really here and how I will get back to Dala. What any of this ment in all three lives I've lived and answers I don't even have questions for yet. I think that I'm not ready for it yet. I would probably have been long ago though, if it wasn't for all the damn mess I've been put through in this life! Was that really neccesary? It probably was... or else it wouldn't have been this way.
Though, in this mess I'm still glad for the people around me that I've got. I must admit that. Having a mother who is also very spiritually enlightened, accepting of all my quirks and odds and also having close friends who like me for who I am and that I like back just as much. That truly is a blessing. I can't imagine what it would have been like without that. No really, I can't. I've tried, just to... well if you know me, I always want to imagine all sides of every coin known to man and a few others that I come across. To give myself some perspective, objectivity, a deeper sense of understanding. Some things I just can't seem to be able to picture, those that would have a major impact on my life from the moment it started. How am I supposed to that?
For example, I've been trying to imagine what my life would have been like if I had been born physically male, but everything else is the same. My personality and male identity, family, friends, everything. I can't. I just can't imagine it.
- Would my parents have had a different idea of me as a person?
- What would my name have been?
- Would I have been friends with Karin?
- Would I have been even more bullied cause I hated ball games such as soccer and was afraid of climbing in trees?
- Would I still have been overly interested in princesses and dresses as a kid?
- Would I have figured out earlier that I was a demon prince in Dala?
- How would my love life history have been? There wouldn't have been a Robin, I probably wouldn't have been raped, and would it have been some sort of reverse bisexual history? By which I mean, would I have drooled over girls until I finally found out that I like guys as well, instead of vice versa as it was in this reality?
Too many questions I can't possible know which how to answer, makes it impossible to imagine my whole life in a different gendered body. How about that. I don't know if my life would have been better, but considering the last decade only, I'd say it would have. My reason for thinking that is simply because from the time I was in my mid to late teens gender issues really started to become a problem. Of course I had been thinking about that since a lot earlier, and I've been bothered by my female body since I was at least seven years old, but it wasn't an actual problem until I found out about me being transsexual when I was fifteen.
So that aside... what the hell was I wring about? Yes, my old soul. My point kinda got lost in all my rantings, but what it initally was, was that I think I need to be a nutcase with more mental problems and hardships than I literally can handle to have any sort of spiritual awakening. Or several small ones, step by step. I'm still not there, I'm soooo damn far from an actual spiritual awakening it's making me laugh at myself for even saying that! I suppose that is also a sign of me getting smarter. As a kid I was sort of hectorly, thinking I was way smarter and wiser than everyone else (funny though, at the same time I despised the idea of getting smart, cause I thought that ment losing my personality, individuality and creativity, though I had no idea what so ever how to actually say that when people asked me why I didn't want to get book-smart). I was kinda weird that way.
Over the years I realised I wasn't as smart and wise as I could be and got some new perspective. Then I sort of hit a wall of another episode of believing I knew it all and had all the answers. I suppose finding out the answer to the meaning of life had something to do with that. Then I landed, about three or four years ago, realising that having one answer didn't mean I knew everything. Faaaar from it! It's not "42" and 42 is not the answer to every question. Bummer, I know. So isn't the real answer to the question of what the meaning of life is, and it only answers that question. And believe me, once you know that answer, you want to know even more! About then I found out that the questions will never end, and every answer to a question brings up new questions. Meaning that thinking I knew it all, was suddenly a very absurd thing to believe.
I'm rambling waaaay too much! What's up with me tonight!? I'm trying to make a statement and I can't seem to reach a conclusion. I wish I had someone to talk to, then it wouldn't take me fucking hours to say something that in a conversation would have only taken me maybe twenty minutes. Argh... where was I? Oh what the hell, it doesn't matter. Fuck this shit! If you have read it all the way here, I'll give you a gold star and cudos, but I've lost hope in ever being able to finish this.
I ain't a quitter! Now, I've read through all of it and this is my damn conclusion: Though I've been around and about in different lives long enough to not know what's back or front of myself and always been eager to sort out my own and the whole existence's mysteries, I still have a whole lot to learn. And maybe, just maybe, I'll even stick around long enough to see if I will reach some sort of nirvana state of enlightenment in this miserable, piece if crap world. Or maybe I will get wise enough to realise I just don't have to reach that state.
Everything is nothing, nothing is everything, and realising that is simply something.
Now, I have a very important question to ask: is six o'clock in the morning late or early if you have been up all night?
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