Lost within myself

As I said a while ago, I had my reasons to believe the Swedish actor Lennart Jäkel had some sort of connection to my relatives. I have a memory of one of my uncles on my father's side and his girlfriend at the time had gotten a personal letter from mentioned actor. I was sixteen, I think, at the time and had no idea who that fellow was. I brought it up with my father a few weeks ago or so and he said I was mistaken. What is it with me and my false memories really? Or is it his memory, or lack there of, that is false? Some thing just can't be reality proved.

I found that term on some mental illness forum or article. It's when you find out if your experiences actually were real, usually by asking someone else that was also present at the time about the experience. Though this particular memory is rather small or insignificant, I have more of those. One for example that is kind of important: I remember my mother telling me as a kid, that I had been screaming/crying a lot like all the time when I was a toddler, and then gone over to just screaming/crying half the days and less and less as I grew up. I just mentioned that a while ago and she said that I didn't scream or cry that much at all! I remember it so clear, I yelled and threw things a lot as a kid, didn't I? But then there's this other part of me remembering that I was a very quiet kid, but started acting out in "mellanstadiet"... None of that makes any sense to me. I have two contradicting memories, both very clear that somehow happened at the same time. How is that even possible?

I cherish my memories, protect them with my life. I swore that I would never ever forget what it was like being a child! This can't be happening! I have got to remember the truth, what really happened, who I really was. I don't even know who I am today, how am I supposed to know who I was before? It's like not only my moods changes, but my whole personality changes! I believe it is true that I have gone too deep into the abyss, and its staring right back at me. Swallowed me whole and I got lost in it. I just keep finding out more things about myself, more layers of contradictions, traumas, perspectives, experiences, symptoms, personality traits... it doesn't add up to a person. It adds up to something more like several people. Or maybe everyone is like that, but most just don't know it because they haven't reached deep enough to get totally lost within themselves.

I try to look beyond emotional problems, traumas, symptoms of mental illness, sexually, likes and dislikes, polital and religious opinions and just see "me", but I don't know what that is. What about myself is the real me? The person beyond human flesh and a messed up brain, what is left? If I was a tad bit more normal I think it would be easier to find that core, but now it's so entangled in all that other stuff that I just can't see it. I wish I could, I really do. It scares me, that I'm so lost in my own mind, that I don't even know who I am anymore. I know so much, but nothing makes any sense. Maybe that is the definition of insanity.