A will to escape

I have an undying will to escape to a better world. I take escapism to the extreme when I try to kill myself to get back to the fantasy world I lived in in a previous life. I hate this world so much that some days I can't even bare the sight of it. I don't know if it's because I compare Earth to Dala all the time, or if it's because I just got so much bad luck. I never really wanted to give this life a chance, not even from the beginning. I wanted to die already as a child, when I hid from the chaos in my closet at home or when I hid in the bushes from the chaos in school. I try, I really do try to make this life meaningful, but the wounds in my soul are torn open almost every day. And no matter how much I try, I'm always thrown into the chaos again. I don't believe in myself, I don't like this world or living in it, it's hell. The only hell I know.

Yeah, I guess it's just one of days. Again. I should count the days I'm feeling fine and see if it adds up to all the other days. My guess is that they don't, but if I count, over a year or so, I'd really know. Yes I want to know, cause I can't go on like this forever. No matter what, that isn't an option. I don't know what would be worse: Finding out that Dala is in fact real, but never being able to go back there - or finding out that it was never real to begin with, and I have no better place to go to, nothing to look forward to in this hell dimension.

For as long as I'm uncertain of where I will end up after death, I'm too scared of finding out on my own. What if I end up someplace worse? What if... In the midst of all this, I just wish there was no afterlife. Tell me it's all just a lie and that when we die that's the end of it all. Tell me I don't have a soul, that it's not a part of me that's immortal, cause I just want it all to be over. That when I die I will enter an eternal darkness, senseless, tasteless, without smell, without sound. Just a definite end, an end to all this. I don't want to be anywhere, not anymore. I didn't choose this, I didn't choose any of it.