What I can't control

I've recently figured out that I'm a bit of a control freak. But at the same time I have no control to begin with. I think they are related though, rather than opposing. That because I feel I have no control over anything, I have this insane need to find that control. Cause it scares me, just how out of control my whole life is. That I can't even control what to eat, when to sleep, my self harm addictions, my (in)ability to function in society. I'm trying to reverse it, to gain the control I've never had.

*

I just asked myself: what do I most fear? and the answer I came up with was: being this miserable for the rest of my days. But in that case I don't have anything to fear, right? Fearing something that already is to continue, isn't that rather about enduring and not being willing to accept things as they are? I really have nothing to lose in that sense, cause I don't fear losing something. I fear not gaining something.

*

When I woke up this morning it was from a dream. In the dream my teeth were falling out one at a time because I had not taken care of them for a long time. It was so realistic. Abruptly I awakened and instantly yelled out: "That's it, I'm gonna start brushing my teeth more often!" My dreams are like that now. Super intense and so realistic that they wake me up instantly and as a result I'm either horrified, inspired, disgusted, heavily confused, angry or sad to tears. Usually I'm additionally yelling something out, anything from a simple shriek to a whole conversation with myself. It's a bit disturbing to say the least.

The bridge between my dreams and the awaken world is shattering, blurred. Somehow I'm worried that one day I won't be able to wake up from those nightmares, that they will continue after I wake up, forever. I don't even know if that's possible, but in my world, absolutely anything is possible. I believe in everything, you know? Including literally getting stuck in an eternal nightmare.

Revealing the reason

I got so used to feeling good yesterday that today feels so much worse. Maybe this night is worse than my usual days nowadays, or it just might seem worse in comparison to yesterday. I don't even know exactly why I feel like crap, it's like it's got nothing to do with anything. It's all so sudden, and usually it takes a few hours upon waking up before I crash, but today it's been like shit since I opened my eyes. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

How can it hurt like this for no reason? Maybe the reason is so obvious I can't see it. No, I can see it, I just don't want to. Can't look it in the eye and accept it, I refuse to. The reason that's been there all along. I'm cold, crying and not comforted by anything. Dreaming about death and smoking my cigarettes, hoping they are as deadly as the warning label on the pack says they are.

I've started to smoke somtimes while I'm in bed, usually right before I go to sleep while reading, or just as I wake up. Because the danger of doing so is no longer bothering me. In fact, I often catch myself fantasising about falling asleep in a bed of flames. It would be an accident, careless and clumsy me falling asleep while smoking in my bed. Cause I would never set fire to my own bed on purpose, would never kill myself that way. It's merely a fantasy that I have no wish to make come true.

Some days I think I'm depressed. Always tired and sick of the world, half and half suicidal, popping anxioulytic's and self harming like crazy and not really amused by anything. Not even that picture of a cute cat doing whatever cute things. When I don't want to get out of bed just as much as I don't want to go to bed. The nighmares are back, less gruesome but more heart tearing. The days are harder to get through, ever since I found out that thing I won't mention - cause it's probably not even official yet and people who reads this might find out who it is - two weeks ago.

Oh, to hell with it. He's engaged, I saw it on tumblr. How can anything possibly make me feel better?

Unreality

Had this awful dream tonight. I was a Persian man in love with a woman who had been forced to marry him, by her family. I had noticed she was suffocating in our relationship, so I confronted her and told her that I wanted her to leave so that she could be happy. It was the most heartbreaking dream ever, and when I woke up I realised it reflected the feelings I have for my crush. If I had the choice to be with him even if he doesn't feel the same for me - or to never be with him so that he can be happy, what would I do?

I just don't wanna be in reality tonight. Not my twisted mind's reality, and not your reality either. I wanna be in an unreality, some place where it doesn't hurt. Where I don't have to wake up scared or sad and alone.

I was supposed to have laundry today, but my "morning" mood was really terrible so I let the phone calls from the crew go to voice mail and when they banged on my door I basically told them to piss off. I couldn't get my ass off to the grocery store today either, since I ignored all my alarms and stayed in bed until an hour after the store closed.

I have no motivation for anything, just wanna disappear. But I have to pack some stuff tonight for a little trip I'm going off for on Thursday. I'll do that later...

Hair

Well okay, it was like a disaster falling asleep and waking up, but I just now remember having nightmares too. In my dream my hair was falling off and I was left with tangled wisps which made me devastated! I seem to be a bit extra vain about my hair these days. Probably because it's getting longer and therefor needs more care. Also that the longer it gets, the more I like my hair. I'm like this ancient god or whatever who’s power was in their hair. It sort of feels a bit like that! The more satisfied I am with my hair, the more satisfied I am with myself, and it isn't so stupid thinking there lies a little power in that, is it? It's finally grown to the minimum length of my requirements, an inch underneath my nipples. It's practical in case I’d be caught bare chested. Silly really, cause that hasn't happened since upper school and I doubt it ever will happen again. I wonder how my hair will look on a flat chest... Anyways, I guess you can understand why that dream I had was a nightmare.

I’ve always had this irrational fear, since I was a kid, that someone would cut my hair when I’m asleep. Mostly at that time it was my sister's intentions I feared. I heard from a classmate at school that happened to, and ever since I’ve had that fear. When I listened to Lady Gaga's song “Hair” that memory came back to me. In it she sings that she feared that her mother would cut her hair at night. She probably had a more reasonable cause than I did, but still.

While we are on the topic of hair, that is sort of my indicator the testosterone I’m taking actually has some effect on me. That and my body odour. My thighs in particular are getting quite fussy, which is really neat, it makes them look less ugly, and I sort of think it gives them a little shading and could give the impression that they're less fat. I also suspect that testosterone has caused some fat redistribution, since I can now wear my leather pants which I couldn't a few weeks ago, even thought I’m on the same weight then as I am right now, 71 kg as of yesterday. I’m still amazed the battery in my scale is still working. It's been around since I bought the scale in autumn 2010, three fucking years! I’m starting to suspect that battery has been effected by some sort of sorcery which gave it eternal life or something! And I would be even more amazed if it suddenly would die.