The appointment

I hope I can maintain this fast for today and not give in to the temptation to have a sandwich or whatever. But I'm so bored with all the drinks, I want something fun to put in my mouth... ugh, gotta wait until tomorrow. Then I'm gonna eat and cry, take laxatives (I bought more), take anxiolytics, eat some more, cry some more and eventually pass out in my bed. Jolly good times.

I have hair plans. What I'm gonna do with my hair when it's grown out a little bit more. Like after New Years or something. I want to shave both sides of my head so that I'll have like a short mohawk that I'll save out to medium length. That one I want to dye black with a little green in the front. Also when it gets long enough to braid I want to finish making my set of fake dreads and put them in my hair. They're gonna be super long, super thin, single ended transitionals going from black to emerald green. And I'll tie them up like a super long, falling mohawk. Gonna look awesome.

That kept me up half the night, by the way, those hair plans. Then I dreamed about being thin. Woke up sad that I was still fat. I think I've come up with yet a new meal plan for a future. That is to fast every other day and to eat the remaining days. Which would be focus on surviving while eating and focus on weight loss while fasting. I think that would be easier to stick to and I could still be able to get the results that I want. Hopefully...

I've been planning food and exercise constantly for almost 2 months. It's been taking up so much space in my head that I forgot how to live without the numbers. Without constantly thinking about my weight, calories in, calories out, what I want to eat, what I'm gonna eat, what I'm not gonna eat, when I will eat, when I won't eat, when to fast and for how long, how to break a fast, when to exercise, what to do while exercising, how to lessen my appetite and how to control my cravings and the ever so present hunger. Constantly.

It's one hell of an escape mechanism, I can tell you. Because you get so totally absorbed that you can't even function right. I can't focus enough to participate in normal (boring) conversations, do any of my hobbies or interests, eat anything without counting the calories or worrying about the amount of calories in it, take walks or doing anything without thinking about how many calories I might have burned, have a cup of coffee without thinking it can suppress my appetite, and I can't accept free food or sweets if I'm offered any. It hinders me ridiculously much, but I feel safe.

Oh, I had almost forgotten. Today I got an appointment with a doctor at the eating disorder clinic, scheduled for the 11th of November. That's on Tuesday. I won't meet the weight criteria for anorexia at that date, but hopefully I'm gonna be at least underweight. It's just 1 more kg that I have to lose to get to that point, so will hopefully be able to manage that.

I'm so excited and scared and nervous! It's my old doctor, I had no idea that she even works in that department these days. It's almost kind of ironical that I'll get her as my doctor again, isn't it? I wonder what to expect. She'll probably mostly just ask a bunch of questions and ask me to explain my situation to her as well.

Maybe I'll be weighed and measured too, so that she will know my BMI. I wanna wear light clothes, but I don't know which ones that would be. I've gotta try on an outfit and see how much weight it adds. Cause you know, I always weigh myself naked to get the number as accurate as possible. I will be underweight by the time of that meeting, but will I show up as normal weight because of the clothes?

I worry about really superficial things, haha. They might not even weigh me at all, might just ask me and take my word for it. But yeah, I worry about that. Also I worry that my doctor will say that I don't have an eating disorder at all and that it's all just in my head and send me off to a dietitian or something. I'm so worried about not being taken seriously and the only thought that crosses my mind is: what am I gonna wear?