From one nightmare to another

A night full of nightmares again, I almost cried myself to sleep cause it was so horrible. Now I can't even remember the dreams. Waking up is resisting me, I'm too tired to function but too alert to go back to bed. I hate this in between state. No I can't even draw cause I'm shaking too much. Lack of nicotine and caffeine in my body perhaps, as to why I'm shaking, I mean. It had been almost 14 hours from yesterday's last cigarette to today's first. I was half asleep, waking up more often than not, for most of that time though. Just too lazy to get out of bed.

And I had almost forgotten, what last night's conversation with my mother brought me to. If you read that blog entry (the one right before this one) that's what I'm referring to. Perhaps I'm still exhausted, but I've forgotten most of my chaotic thoughts from then by now. Slept them away or something. Nightmares got me distracted. Everything that needs to be done in the future... I can't breathe. I still need to talk to my psychologist before I think I can even start. Bloody bad timing she had with getting sick. Although it's not her fault and it's not her that I'm mad at. Just the circumstances, and the whole situation.

If there's anyone I'm actually mad at it's my mother. For her refusal to support my decisions in any way at all. I don't think she cares whether I suffocate here or not. She only cares about the practical. She only sees the negative sides, to both decisions. And I'm just too fed up with her to even bother trying to explain how I think both those decisions can benefit my well being, but I think, that one day I will anyway. When I realise that she's still one of the most important people in my life. I wouldn't want to rank anyone as the most important person in my life though, it completely depends on the situation.

Just a handful of people that are all the most important to me, which are (in no order): my mother, my best friend, K and Y. None of them comes last and none of them comes first. Although I don't have much contact with K and my best friend these days, that's got nothing to do with it. I suddenly wonder how K would take my decision to have a child. I remember we've spoken a little bit sort of about that, the first night we met in real life. He was drunk and I had only had two drinks over a time span of like six hours or so, he was very talkative while I mostly just listened, but I remember telling him that I wanted to keep my reproductive organs just in case I ever wanted a child in the future, and I think that he was understanding about that.

More than so I really can't and shouldn't say. So I won't. But I don't think he would think of it as a terrible idea, me having a child. And also I hope that after I've moved, I could perhaps see him a bit more often. Maybe end up at the same parties/night clubs or just hang out. I don't really know, but more contact would be good. Although, I don't know if I'll already be pregnant by the time I end up in Uppsala, but likely not. I don't think my mother understands that just the process of me getting pregnant can take years. A lot of time for her to come to terms with the situation, in other words. And a lot of time for me to prepare.

I hope I've made my last suicide attempt ever now. I would never want to scare my child with that sort of thing. It makes me think of one of my favourite books, by Ann Heberlein, when she wrote about her love for her three children and how it kept her alive in a way. But she still wanted to attempt suicide and she still had all her chaos in her head. She wrote about having bipolar disorder and a lot of anxiety. I always could relate to her on some level, and the way she described her love for her children has always touched me deeply. I think I will be able to relate to her a lot more when I'll have my own child.

I think I've mentioned that book before, as it's the only one of her books that I've read. Well, not technically read, I have only heard it as an audio book, so technically I've listened to it. I only have it in the audio book version, I don't have the actual book. I've heard it maybe three or four times now, so I do think I know it quite well. It is an autobiography, mainly about her life as it was by the time it was written. She didn't include much of her past, just a few things. Like that she was raped on the Swedish Independence Day, which I could relate to a lot cause I was raped on Valentines Day, both days that are celebrated.

I believe she was 38 when her book was written, and it does feel a little weird that I could already in my early 20's relate so much to a 38 year old woman, a mother. But then again, I can relate to a lot of different kinds of people, no matter how different we may seem to be. Something else, I thought about it just a little bit yesterday, in the midst of it all, that whenever I'll have enough money to try for a driver's license, and my parents refuse to let me practice drive with them, I thought maybe I have some older friends in or around Uppsala that I could perhaps drive with instead.

Cause here in Sweden you have to have had a driver's license for at least 20 years, or if it was 25 years, to have someone practice driving with you. That's a major inconvenience for me as my parents won't let me, so that's why I'd have to find some of my older friends who could possibly be up for that task instead. Too bad my classmates won't be an option when I'll be living on the main land again, or that would have been good. But yeah. Only one I can think of right now is perhaps my ex's mother, who I'm still in contact with. But... thing is she's the mother of the ex of mine who treated me very badly. She's R's mother. I always liked her though and I do think she's a really decent person, but that son of hers is a totally different story, a story I've told you about many times before.

So yeah, could get complicated. I don't think she's even remotely aware of how awful my relationship with R really was. Although I'm pretty sure she would still remember that we fought a lot in the end of our relationship, cause we did fight in front of her a lot, as far as I can remember at least.

Oh, seems my teenage idol Brolle has come out out with a few new cd's since last I checked. Then I have some "new" music to listen to now, which is good cause I was getting bored with what I've been listening to lately.

Nope, can't get anything done today, I'm going back to bed. Can barely stay awake anyway. This is useless. So utterly pointless to even try to stay awake. I'm tired of being tired all the time.