Visiting feelings

My true feelings come to surface, or just for a visit. I know they're somewhere between light and dark, conflicted and painful. And maybe it's the music that brings them up, but I'm hard to affect these days. Not much makes me feel much of anything. Like the poem stated, I still feel stuck in between life and death, but I choose to stay there. Cause I don't truly want life and can't choose death. Like, if I can't die I don't want to truly live either. Then let me stay between.

Lie isn't very vibrant here. It feels dull and I still feel so empty, wanting things only halfheartedly, I'm not putting my soul into anything. I'm afraid of suddenly wanting life because I think that if I truly would choose life and want to stay alive, then I'll die. And then I wouldn't want to die, if you know what I mean? I'm scared of that if I do choose life, it's gonna be taken away from me, instead of now when I don't want to live.

Sure I do have things, or people, keeping me here, but I still can't choose life. And I would never again try to choose life just because someone else thinks I should. It doesn't matter who. I know my dead hopes and dreams of love eventually did not just break my heart one time too many, but also killed my reason to live. All of my reasons. Nothing is worth staying for, not anymore. Yet I do stay, but choose to stay in that in between state, as close to death as I can be without actually being dead.

Yes, we'll all die sooner or later, I just can't shake the thought that I wish it was sooner in my case. I'm so tired of living, of dealing with all those people who want me to keep on fighting and trying when that's the last thing I want to do. No, I'm not tired of you as people, I'm tired of being told what I should or shouldn't do. I'm just gonna exist and nothing more for the time being. Distract myself with art and what not. No, making art could never be a reason to live, or any kind of self medication. It's just something I do cause I don't know how to do anything else, and I don't really care about doing anything else.

I simply do what I want to do and fuck everything else. I'm not trying, not at all. I'm past that point and I've been feeling that way for months now, since sometime September/October last year. Just that it was more intense back then and now I mostly am not aware of what I'm truly feeling. I became numb, when David Bowie passed away and I'm still numb. I don't even know if that's the reason anymore.

My heart feels so heavy. I feel it crawling in there. Love, fear, all it cannot completely contain. I just took my sleeping medication (Lergigan) in 4 times my dosage. I'm tired, yet never tired enough. My mind just keeps feeding me with various thoughts I don't want to think about. They're too exhausting, just let me be, just leave me alone, I try to tell them. Just waiting for my meds to knock me out now, which can take up to an hour. I miss K more than usually again, or I just feel it more, I don't know.