Further planning

Been thinking about everything I want to tell my psychologist about my child plans when I see her on Friday. Everything that I need to plan and think about. Maybe I should write a list? But I always feel so embarrassed with lists. Would it be smart or too much to stop taking testosterone and quit smoking simultaneously? Thinking it could be good to start with both those things quite early on for various different reasons.

I know I probably have to be off testosterone for quite a while before my body gets back into rhythm so that I start getting periods again so that I can, like more safely become pregnant. I know having high levels of testosterone in one's body is not good for a fetus. So everything would have to be like before again, I mean. Or, it's just what I've heard, I'm not sure. Hopefully my endocrinologist could perhaps enlighten me a bit. Yeah I'm a bit impatient but I am trying my best to just stay calm and act in a smart way.

It's like... back 3 years ago, when I first really started to have this wish, or longing, whatever you want to call it, it felt like the light at the end of the tunnel. And it still does. No, it won't end my misery, or I don't believe it could, but I do think it could make my misery more endurable. More worth going through. Less like some utterly meaningless suffering that just follows me everywhere for no real reason. I believe it can bring meaning to my life, make it worth living.

But no, I wouldn't be terribly disappointed if that won't be the case. I'm not expecting much at all. Just the smallest bit of something. I think, that if I can't live for myself, I could very much live for my child. I think that's an amazing deal and it's something I very much want to. And I hope, by the time I tell my mother, that she will be able to see that this is what I need if I'm ever going to give life a chance again. Something to change it drastically and turn it all around.

But, I also do think that she won't see it that way at all. That she'll just remind me of the major responsibilities and all the hard work it would require of me, and of her. And my father would probably hit the roof when he hears about it from my mother. Cause no way that I'm gonna tell him myself. No fucking way. I don't know exactly why I think he would freak out, but I've just always had that gut feeling that he wouldn't want for me to have children, and to aim for having children. Let me put it this way, if I was to end up pregnant by mistake, I'm pretty sure both my parents would try to talk me into having an abortion with like all that they've got.

I think it would be different with my sister, cause she's not as disabled as I am. She hates kids though, so I'm guessing she won't go for that very soon from now at least. What I mean is I think if she had wanted kids my parents would not be so against it as I think they will be in my case. But that's just what I think, I could be wrong. But she's obviously the one in my family they have the most hopes for when it comes to the future.

But do they seriously think I'm just gonna sit here on my disabled ass until I die and not do a single thing I truly want just because they might be against it? They should be happy for me, for that I've finally found a fucking reason to live. They're all too realistic and cynical, I think. That they just see all the problems with whatever it is that I want to do with my life. At first I wanted to be an artist, they said it was unreasonable no matter how good I was at art. Then I wanted to move back to Uppsala because I hate this shitty island, they said that was unreasonable because of how dependent I am on them.

So yeah, I think they'll think me having a child would be unreasonable because of how problematic that could potentially and most likely be. But I don't care. Their opinions shouldn't rule my life anymore. I am an adult and I think they tend to forget that sometimes. If I won't have their support I won't give up, I won't cave in. It would be harder to do it without my mother by my side in this, but I'll still do it. And they can hate my decision however much they want to, I don't care.

But then I could be wrong and I might be able to have their support, eventually. I hope so. That I might have to just give them a little bit of time to process the thought of them having a grand child, not from their abled child, but from their disabled child. It's not exactly their dream come true, but I want to hope that one day we could all look at life as it became and see that it didn't turn out so bad after all.

There are two new classmates in my class that started there yesterday, and one of them I'm really starting to like. Today she talked about that she got her daughter when she was 19 and how proud she was of her and I was like close to crying, haha. I've really developed a soft spot for good parent/child relationships. Especially for mothers and their children, cause even though I'm a guy I believe it would still be closer to having a mother-ish relationship with my child than a father-ish relationship. Because of the process of making that child. Because I would be carrying that child in my womb like most mothers do.

For a long time I was absolutely horrified by the thought of ever having a biological child the way nature intended it. Pregnancy and childbirth scared the living the shit out of me. I was more than awfully disgusted by my body and wished that I had never gotten wide hips and periods cause I was "never gonna use them" and here I am, thinking my body is practically a blessing to give me that option. So right now I can't hate being trans, as it allows me to be the man that I am, and still be able to give birth to my own child.

If I'm actually fertile to begin with, that is. How can I know? I've never been pregnant before. I do slightly fear that I can't have children, but trying to not think so much in those terms, and I'll try to not be devastated if that turns out to be the case. Cause I don't think there's any other way for me to have a child. They'd never approve adoption. I most likely won't meet a partner who already has a child since before. I'm not even looking into going after meeting such a person. Besides it would never be the same thing. It wouldn't be my child then.

No, I don't think neither pregnancy nor childbirth scares me anymore. If it does, then it's just about a pretty normal amount. Pain does not freak me out as much anymore, and also I think it could be important to really connect with the child if I do actually give birth instead of just going straight for c-section. The pregnancy itself doesn't freak me out at all anymore. I've heard and read some about it, mainly just out of curiosity, and yeah it doesn't seem like an all joyful and pleasant experience, but I think partially it might be.

Sometimes I like just imagining what it could be like. All sorts of things regarding it. How I'd look, how I'd feel physically and emotionally, how I'd be met in society and so on. I guess I'm just trying to mentally prepare myself or something. And I absolutely love thinking about it. It always makes me smile and makes me feel all soft and cosy inside. Like diving into a pool of cotton balls. It's comforting, something that always makes me feel a bit better. But of course a lot of things scare me too. Things that could go wrong every step of the way, with me, the child or anything in my surroundings that I'm dependent on.

I realise it's exactly a year ago that I first mentioned this to my previous contact person up in that psychiatric department. She who I hated. However, I was so excited already then but I guess my thoughts around this have changed quite a bit since then. Then I was more desperate, just wanted and didn't think much about everything that I needed to consider. I want to believe I'm handling it in a more mature way this time. Back then my thoughts pointed in every direction and I didn't know what I truly wanted, what was possible or if I could ever even make it.

Now I'm more like... realising it will likely be my biggest challenge ever in life that is gonna take a lot of planning and preparing and it still might not work out. I still might utterly suck at parenting and fail completely, no matter how good and solid my plans could ever become. As I've stated before, I don't know much about parenthood or caring for children at all. But I'd try to learn as much as I can about it, in any way I can. Ask my friends and parents, go to some kind of group meetings, google, read articles, ask counselors or what not. There are plenty of resources if I just looked around a bit.

But I'd probably want to know if I can even become pregnant before I go crazy about the research. If I even have the option at all to become a parent.

I do feel a bit surrounded by mothers in my school class. Almost everyone has one or several children in like all kinds of ages. The younger mothers have children in ages 3 to 15 and the older mothers have adult children. It does make me feel like they sort of inspire me in a way, like it increases my longing to have a child of my own. When I hear their stories or hear them talk about how much love and joy they have with their families. It makes me want to have it as well even more. Like I keep thinking that hopefully one day I can.

And also this totally clashes with my highly unreasonable wish to have been born physically male instead. Like I don't even know anything anymore, this just tips my entire world over. In a good way, I want to believe, but still. It changes so much.

I guess, what might be what scares me the most is going off testosterone. I really didn't like how estrogen effected me on the psychological level, and I don't want any of my more feminine features such as more curves to come back. I hope my breasts won't grow back. And if I know my body right, I'll probably start getting periods again rather quickly. And I do remember that used to be a nightmare that went on for 8-10 days a month every month, irregularly with sometimes terrible cramps.

Yeah, having periods did make my dysphoria go through the roof, but maybe it will be different this time? Knowing I actually make the choice to have them again for the purpose of getting pregnant, I mean. Make them stop again, but in an entirely different way. Hopefully I won't have to deal with periods for too long before they stop, but then again time has never really been on my side when it comes to anything, so I'm not hoping too high.

And I don't even know if we're talking months or years off of testosterone, but likely years. Cause first getting my body back into being used to estrogen and all of that, then somehow getting pregnant which I am not sure how, then hopefully becoming pregnant and stay that way until I can give birth to my child, then getting my body stable enough to handle going back on testosterone again. I'm guessing all of that won't happen in zero time. And then I most likely have to include months of hassle with just getting pregnant too.

I don't know how much of that hassling I'd have to do completely by myself, or if I can somehow get help from other people around me. I don't really know what to expect at all. Finally face my phone phobia as well perhaps? Okay maybe that's what scares me the most... dealing with probably transphobic and ignorant doctors and nurses and receptionists and what not. Having to explain my situation over and over until I feel so vulnerable and shaking and sweating and literally unable to form words that I'll just crash in a corner somewhere. All worth it though, still fucking worth it. I'll fight with all the fire I have and more. Cause I just have the same fucking right to have a child as everyone else does.

And I'm willing to remind some assholes about that if I have to. Cause just because I'm trans, or because I'm mentally unstable most of the time, doesn't mean I can't have a child. Not anymore. It was a must to get sterilised to get your gender legally changed here in Sweden up until as late as 2013 and I just very barely made it through without having to get sterilised. It was during late 2015 that I had my gender legally changed and I obviously still have all my reproductive organs intact. If that hadn't been changed in the Swedish laws, I probably would have gotten sterilised.

But luckily society caught up with reality just in time for me, that it's not right to force trans people to get sterilised and it was time to change that horrible law. I don't even want to think about how horrible I would have felt by now if I had gotten sterilised, if the law hadn't been changed. But then I also sense that I would have waited. Kept my female personal identity number until I was sure about my future. If or how important parenthood was to me. I do have that sensation, because becoming legally male was always just a bonus, not the main goal. The main goal for me was just getting more comfortable in my own skin with the help of hormones and surgery.

No, I still don't regret having had the surgery I did have. Not at all. It does feel a little bit sad that I won't be able to breast feed my future child, but I know that new born babies can be fed in other ways too. There are solutions to that. So no, that doesn't bother me much, just a little bit, but I still wouldn't want to have my tits back no matter what. They were awful and I hated them. Speaking of that, tomorrow is my 2 years post op anniversary! I must remember to take pictures of my chest and celebrate it somehow. Write everything that comes to mind. I can't believe it's already been 2 entire years. And I know I keep saying that, but I really can't believe it. But yeah, it was March 10th 2014.

So yeah, I hope they won't grow back, haha. That would be devastating and that was a very desperate and forced laughter in half panic. If they do however I hope I can get that corrected back to the way it should be again, without having to pay for it with money I don't have, that is. Better enjoy this upcoming summer shirtless as much as fucking possible even if it's bloody snowing then. Just in case they do grow back and getting a second operation won't be covered by the state and therefore it wouldn't be a second operation and I'll never be able to show my chest in public ever again. Cause I would want to go off testosterone sometime this year, maybe by the autumn or so. That should be after a few hectic months of information searching and thoroughly discussing the topic with everyone involved.

Yeah, long ass entry about me just drowning you in all these thoughts about the same topic that's been on my mind for years now. I just have so much to think about regarding this, it's driving me crazy. And I try to consider literally everything I should have in mind so that it won't take me by surprise someday. It's now 2:40 am and I've been going on about this since 7:30 this morning, which was now technically yesterday. Almost non-stop at that too, just didn't think about it that much during school, but a little bit.

I hope my psychologist won't react badly in any way when I tell her. I just think I really need her support and I do want to tell her before I tell my mother. But eventually the whole world will know, I guess. We'll see if I'll come out at school and tell them too, but probably not if this is my last term there. If I go there next term as well, I might consider telling them about it though. Cause I might be off testosterone by then and that might make me a maniac. Also I might not be able to contain my joy over starting my own little family.

I guess it is something I'd want to share with them, but not everyone there. I would rather not want that only other guy in my class to know about my trans background, for example. And one of my teachers, cause don't get me wrong I do like her, but she would likely be ecstatic about it since she's like overly interested in people who don't fit the norm, and she'd probably drown me in a million questions I would not be comfortable with answering. But, I would have to say things I'm not comfortable with if I want to include me planning on getting pregnant. Cause I mean, I wouldn't be able to skip all those details, you know, about how I'm not like most other guys, just in order to explain the fact that I can get pregnant.

I'll probably just tell the leader of the organisation or what to say, the main teacher, and the few I'm friends with on facebook as well, cause I'm sensing I would want to document this on facebook. I'd want all of my friends to know what exactly I'll be up to, cause it's kinda huge. Damn I just can't stop writing at the same time as I feel I don't really have anything more to say. But I'll stop here for now, and anyone reading this can count on me continuing rambling about this topic further on.