Slowly solving the war

I just started yet another drawing of Caspian, about an hour ago. Judging by my most recent new drawing skills, it's not turning out very good and I don't know why. It could still, possibly, be better looking than my previous drawings of him, as this one might be a tad more realistic and all the other ones are made with black lines. I listen to my playlist on Spotify with songs that all remind me of Dala and Caspian.

I know I don't often write about her, but it just suddenly struck me how similar my best friend sometimes can be to the dragon I had as companion back in Dala. I mean personality wise, in just some ways. I don't really think there is any reincarnation involved with those two, it could just be a coincidence.

I still think a lot about Caspian. It's just that my thoughts are so clumsy and distant about him and everything regarding him these days. I guess... I'm so scared of making a mistake that I hesitate and hesitate. I draw those thoughts back and try to sort them out before I utter them. Like they're so chaotic. The thoughts seem to stem from somewhere deep in my core where it's usually very messy. Thoughts from my soul, or just really deep in my mind. I don't know if any soul can actually create thoughts that way. I don't know much about souls.

Just that they seem to be infinite, immortal, can travel through space and time, and can apparently be stuffed into different types of bodies on their journeys. I don't think they're a fixed mass but sometimes it feels like the part of my soul that I'm carrying with me in this life is more or less fixed, except that it at the same time feels very scattered and split into parts, like it's literally all over the place. With just a small part that I'm even aware of, and then Anna is aware of another part of it, and the rest is a mystery.

So that's sort of just about all that I've figured out about souls and what they could possibly be. I don't even know if they're made of energy or magic or something else. In my own pretty unstable belief, energy and magic are two different things that could clash or work in harmony with each other. To me, magic is as natural as anything else that is commonly viewed as natural.

Now I don't truly believe that this world completely lacks magic, believe me it would be even duller then. No, I do think there's some, rather minuscule, amount of magic in it. Like half hidden in its corners. I do not know to what extent I could take my own magic powers yet, but I know they're not completely gone.

I can feel the weight of the memories. The burden that comes with carrying them in my soul. I never told you this, but I stopped feeling what I would describe as the presence of Caspian, just a few months before you came into my life. Is that a sign? I thought he had abandoned me, but maybe I couldn't be more wrong. I don't know. This is the war, the conflict within me, that some parts of me cannot accept what you once told me. It's still ripping and tearing, but not as violently as before.

I notice that I'm feeling warmer around you lately. Like... it's hard to describe, but just a genuine warmth whenever we talk and such. Worth mentioning is that it's hard for me usually, to feel that I miss a person when we haven't spoken for a while, but I do miss you quite a bit and it doesn't usually take that long either. I don't know exactly what this means, but I think I'm sort of letting go of the war, its hold on me. Like, playing with a thought, I don't know. I don't know how much it's alright for me to say here, although I'm pretty sure you're the only one reading this blog of mine these days.

I never felt abandoned, never truly, by Caspian. It's more like I've always felt that he's still around somehow, watching over me, keeping an eye on me. I wish I could remember more about him, how he was as a person back in Dala, then maybe there wouldn't be a war within me now. But so much went lost when I was born here, and further into my childhood as well. I can only remember fragments of my past life. Fragments from an eternity. That's very, very little.

I feel as though some part of my subconscious mind might be keeping me from remembering more, in some annoying way of protecting me from something that might possibly hurt if I could suddenly remember it. I'm still awfully curious about how I died there, but I think I was murdered, or executed. It makes the most sense when I think about my last memory from Dala. And that Caspian saw it, that he saw me die. And I guess, though it is just a guess, that something like that could make him forget his own memories if he was in fact reincarnated too.

This is something that I just thought about, it's only theories and I could be wrong, but all I have to go after is my own fear and Caspian's eyes in the last memory that I have. It's not much, but I might be on my way to find out more. I hope so. But oh, one more thing, is that my belief is that once memories are lost, for whatever reason, I don't think that they can ever be lost forever. That they're still there, just hidden where one can't reach them yet. So, if there are in fact memories that have been lost, I'm certain they will come back when one is ready for it.

I wonder if humans could ever understand wanting something truly precious gone, just because the burden of carrying it is too painful? It just hit me when I thought of a time when I was really down and my contact person of the crew talked to me and for some reason I got into talking about Dala. I couldn't make her understand that at that point remembering my paradise was not something that I wanted. For long I believed that my memories brought a lot more despair than comfort. That they were a curse. To have lost something so amazing, it made me wish it had never happened in the first place.

However I don't really feel like that anymore. For the past couple of years or so, I've been wanting to remember more, rather than less. I still do curse my memories from time to time, cause sometimes they still manage to make feel miserable. But it's not them truly causing my misery, no, it's the complete opposite, it's this world's memories that are causing the misery. The contrast between them is so immense that thinking about Dala is a little like being blinded by direct sunlight after you've been dwelling in darkness for a month.

Of course not everything was perfect in Dala, but things simply worked in harmony in a way things literally never seem to do here. Here things clash and I crash and burn and then I do it all over again. There I soared through the air on my wings and bent matter to my will as if it was completely effortless. Although I do actually remember the back pain after long flights, and doing magic does drain you. But I was just so different there, I was confident, laughed it off if someone said something stupid or ignorant, I walked tall and proud and wouldn't let anything get me down. That's the demon prince about me that I truly miss. I miss that pride and confidence, that undying self love and feeling like I owned the place.

I think that's what got to me in the end though, that I was a tad too confident and maybe thought I owned the place a bit too much. I know I was both loved and hated in Dala. To me it was Heaven, but I do have a sensation that those that didn't like me there, might not have felt the same way. As I left Dala and came into this life, I still carried like remnants of my old self with me. Although I had it a bit confused by this fairly new body of mine and said I was a princess instead of a prince. I spoke the Dalarian language (as I use to call it) but everyone thought it was just nonsense. I was still convinced that telepathy was a way of communicating until I found out that's not the case here on Earth.

I was very proud, acted like I was some kind of royal even though I hardly was. This I can't remember all that much of anymore, it's mostly what I've been told was going on with me when I was still very young. I thought I was still in Dala for some reason. I believe it so deeply that however I did die back in Dala, it disrupted me immensely. So much that it blurred the line, the border, between the two lives. Adjusting to being human here on Earth... I never succeeded with completely. I still feel as though I'm in some kind of dream and I'm about to wake up in Dala and that this life isn't even real. It feels like one of those lucid dreams I have when I'm close to the surface in my sleep. My whole life literally feels like that.

It's not just a feeling of alienation and of not belonging, it doesn't even feel real. I don't think it ever will. I'm an adult now, I don't think things are gonna change much in that aspect. However, I started losing my old self around the time when the bullying at school was the worst, somewhere between age 7 and 9. That was when I gradually stopped believing that I would come back to Dala again the easy way. By just closing my eyes or making myself wake up, I mean. I started slowly believing in the new reality that I had been thrown into.

It took years. Years of bullying and abuse before I started connecting. But I disconnected at the same time, as I got torn apart when Anna came along. I developed traits of various mental illnesses and in a way, I think I became more human. I know that why I never liked being human is because it was something that was forced upon me. I don't know, if seeking revenge when or if I get back to Dala would be such a good idea, for what they did to me. I am sure that I did not choose this life, not freely at least. No amount of curiosity would ever bring me here. None.

I think something or someone brought me here against my will, and that either Caspian could have been brought here too, or that he followed me here. Though that I'm certainly not sure about. Somehow, I'm not scared of my own thoughts and feelings lately. They're not so foreign anymore. Oh my god... another "Narnia" reference... the endless winter in my soul that is finally slowly turning into spring. Why so much Narnia stuff related to Dala and my soul? Well, just two things, but still.

Fuck, I just wrote a poem and I'm literally crying right now. I think I accidentally might have untied a knot or two in that war within me. Things look clearer and I'm not afraid. I'm scared to post that poem though, I might be revealing too much and way too soon. I don't want to overwhelm you. I'm overwhelming myself. But now I really think this spring might... change things. I had no idea I would just suddenly solve so much of that inner conflict and I had no idea it would take the direction that it took. Oh my god we so have to talk about this but don't think I could handle it just yet.

Although, come to think of it, I should have known something was about to change within me already that early morning right after our conversation, as I went to sleep, but I didn't. I didn't know anything until now. Not before it fucking smacked me in the face. Sometimes I think I can be a bit slow. And the Swedish word "trögfattad" comes to mind but I have no idea how to translate it. Okay, "thick" was the word the dictionary gave me. It would be a sort of more demeaning word than "stupid" but close enough, I guess.

Where was I? I'm getting side-tracked cause I'm overwhelmed. Not in a bad way, but in like a shocking and not really getting it kind of way. But I do get it. I'm just gonna switch from emotional to going analytical and try to sort this out. I have much, much work to do. But I do thank my subconscious for the realisation, I don't think it came too early for me, but perhaps too early for us. I'll hold on to the poem for a little while, until it feels right to let you, or anyone, read it. I don't mean to keep it secret forever. But it just happens to be, that my realisation came right when I was writing it. In the middle. Without much warning. So I think it's indeed a really important poem.

I don't know what to do right now. I keep shifting between crying and shivering but it's not sad tears at all. It's just very much right now. I feel though, maybe you'll have a sensation you know what this is about concerning what I've written leading up to the realisation. You've always been really good at reading between the lines of what I write and I don't intend to truly keep this from you. I guess I'm being subtle and hinting like fuck cause I'm holding back information yet I'm so eager to let you know. A little too eager maybe. I wouldn't be able to fully explain myself much more beyond this at this point. My words are as vague as my thoughts, but my feelings... damn they're not being vague at all.

They're pretty chaotic right now, and I won't try to calm them down, but rather just give them some time and space while I try to sort this all out. Some of that war is still ongoing within me, but it's much less of it left now. I'm crying again. Damn. The tears don't really manage to run over the edge but I know they're there. I just sit here while I notice all of this changing my thoughts and feelings radically. I'm so confused right now. It's too early to say anything, what if it's not even real and I'll go back to my strong doubts again in a few hours or by tomorrow morning? I'd feel pretty dumb and horrible having posted this text then.

Woah, so much has changed within me just this past month, it's hard for me to believe it. First realising and deciding that I want a child, then deciding to move back to Uppsala and now this. The ground is shaking beneath me, yet it's never felt more firm. I believe with my new sudden will to live, other things changed within me as well, as a result of that. I'm no longer cloaked by the darkness that used to drown me so much before. It's getting warmer, not just outside of my window, but within my soul as well. I've long said that it's winter in my soul, and I've felt that for at least the past 4 or 5 years now, but now it feels like the ice is melting, and I have so much to look forward to.