Restless

I notice how my poems are changing. They're not just darkness and despair anymore. Of course though, I still write about my past and sort of how it affects me or how I think it will affect me in the future. Just because I've got a reason to live now doesn't make all the pain go away. But it's like, I feel I'm still suffocating, because I still feel sort of stuck here. I can't do much while waiting for my psychologist to get well and all the waiting is indeed painful. But I've been living like this for so long now, I hardly think a few more days or weeks is gonna kill me.

But I am aching for at least just starting with anything at all. I guess cleaning my apartment wasn't enough and I knew it wouldn't be either. No, I need for shit to really start happening. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel even though it seems far away right now. I guess I'm living on hope, that things will turn out alright in the end. That it won't be too horrible dealing with my mother not wanting me to move back to the main land, that moving won't be too much of a struggle, or finding an apartment. That it won't be too expensive for my parents to pay for thoroughly cleaning this apartment.

And also that going off testosterone won't mess me up too much, that I can get pregnant without too much hassle and complications. There are so many different small steps on the way it feels a bit like I'll be walking in a fragile chain and just praying that no link will break or I would fall. That every little step on the way towards my goals would each be a link in that chain then. I know the metaphor isn't perfect, cause I highly doubt that everything would fall apart if one or a few things won't work out. Reality isn't much like chains, I realise.

Once again I'm holding my breath for what's to come. Once again I keep things secret for my own good. I so hope that my psychologist won't be against any of my goals. I don't know what I'll do if she too would advice of me to stay on this island and not think of me as a good parent in the somewhat near future. I hope she will be realistic but also that she would want to help me achieve my goals, as a support of some, or any, kind. I think I'll need it a lot, but I know I can't count on her too much or lean on her too much.

I just... mostly I need advice on how to tell my mother and how to face her reaction to me putting down my feet on the ground and firmly state that I will be moving no matter what. I don't know how to deal with the realisation that she's keeping me here against my will. I'm an adult with a free will and she just doesn't treat me that way. I don't deserve this. I think I do deserve a second chance at trying to make it mostly on my own in my home city again. And she can't refuse a decision that isn't hers to take.

It's hard, just going about my days not knowing what the fuck to do until my psychologist comes back to work again. I feel so trapped here. I don't know what to say at school, as they all think my future lies on this island and only I (and anyone reading this obviously) know that it most certainly doesn't. What can I say when they ask if I agree to a meeting with the main teacher of the asperger class/course for possibly going there next term? I don't want to go there next term, I don't want to live here next term. Should I just keep on smiling and nodding and lying? It hurts my heart.

But I can't tell them, not now. I have to wait. So maybe that's kinda how I feel these days, as well as joy over the future, when I think about everything I want to do when I get to Uppsala permanently. I'm as usually torn between two different states of emotions. On one side I'm jolly happy about a future that I want and that is indeed a possible future, and on the other side I'm suffocating and feeling stuck because I have to keep it all inside for the time being.

Maybe that's why my poems are both sad and joyful at the same time, cause they reflect both sides. And lately I've been feeling the bitter side more, like these past few days. I just keep wanting for things to happen but time is ticking and nothing is happening. I know I'm impatient and that's not good but I just want so much and I'm not used to wanting anything.