I've never really felt as trans as I do these days before. I mean, it's like I really can't, and now don't even want to, escape my female body. And how I suddenly relate to certain parts of it is starting to make me confused. Not about my identity, but about how I relate to the way my body is, how it functions and all of that. I used to despise it so bad, I used to be disgusted by it. And now... I don't even know.
The magic between my waist and hips... yeah. Well I'm not much for believing in miracles on most days, but yeah, some magic I do believe in. I think I would still want bottom surgery at some point in a quite far distant future, but just that it has been down prioritised a lot. And I just feel it so much how my gender identity is clashing with my body these days, but like, not in a bad way?
I did watch a documentary about a transguy who gave birth to his child, although he did it before medically transitioning, but like after socially and emotionally transitioning. I vaguely remember how he talked about how he felt during his pregnancy. Like about not being able to pass at all and stuff like that. Now I have no idea if I would pass or not, but maybe likely not, although that's not exactly my top priority and I don't think it should be either. Staying healthy and making my child the most important thing above everything would be top priority.
Would I love my child more, or less than I love K? That question just hit me, but in a way, I hope I'll be able to move on a little bit from K over time before I have my child. Not really counting on it, but I think it could do me and my family some good. Of course I hope I'll love my child more, I think I would be deeply worried otherwise. And I'm hesitant to publish that question but I think it could be important to address.
I've been thinking about names a bit today, and I'm somewhat struggling to reach a decision. It would be easier to name a girl, cause I find there are more beautiful female names out there. If it's a girl though, I would like to name her a bit after my best friend, (like for a middle name), but first ask her and also which of her names she would rather want for my child to have if it would be okay with her. And if it would be a boy, I'm more likely to want to give him one of K's names, if he would be okay with that.
At this point I'm having so much difficulty with choosing names that my child would have so many middle names that it would almost be ridiculous. I think 2 middle names would be just about enough and more be somewhat crazy and less would be somewhat impossible for me. Yeah I know I've got loads of time to make up my mind but I just don't want to be there like 2 months before it's time to give birth and still be clueless.
Okay I just watched another youtube video again and why do I constantly feel the need to write about that? Anyway, this one was sort of a do's and don't's when you're pregnant and the woman in the video mentioned a lot of things that were like half obvious to me but that I still hadn't thought of before. Things like you shouldn't dye your hair, use nail polish and different kinds of food you shouldn't eat like loose cooked eggs or what are they called? And like, no caffeine or soda either.
So... basically, if I thought having a child and raising it would be difficult, I can assure you my difficulties will start much earlier than that. I have a list of five...? different medications that I'm taking every single day that I might not be able to take during a pregnancy. I have a sometimes mind-numbing chronic tension headache that I might not be able to medicate at all. I hate drinking water and don't know if gulping juice and milk instead would even be remotely enough. I have to kick a 5 year old heavy smoking habit and stay away from cigarettes completely. Can't drink alcohol obviously, and apparently not coffee either. Then on top of all that I will most likely have to deal with shitty and ignorant doctors and other hospital staff and paper works and god knows what.
I'll probably lose my temper fifteen times a day, if I'll even have any temper to lose by that point. Ahaha. Yeah I'm looking forward to it like hell. Right now I'm mostly just trying to gather various kinds of information in ways I don't even know, and mentally preparing myself, and randomly discussing it with my mother. I do plan on telling my best friend on the main land when I get there as well, and about my plans thus far. I hope she won't be against my decision but I don't really think she will be either.
I do remember we discussed it lightly at one point when it was a debate in the whole country about if they should change the law on sterilising trans people against their will. I remember I told her I was likely not gonna get sterilised as I had then just realised that the only way I could ever have children in the future would be the natural way, most likely. And she agreed with me that it was a wise decision. So I think she'll be cool about it, but, like my mother, also worry about the practical stuff.
I'll tell her that I'm very well aware of the humongous list of practical issues I would have to deal with in the future, and that I'll work on every problem as well as I possibly can. Also, I will most likely opt for trying to quit smoking without any help, cause in that way I can do it completely in my own pace (whether that be quick or slow) and without having some medical expert nagging at me. I would of course use the aid of nicotine patches and chewing gums but then also stop with that eventually.
I did manage to stop smoking in one week prior to my surgery, but then I did not have to be nicotine free. I'm just gonna assume that being dependent on nicotine during a pregnancy is not even an option. So, my plan right now with that is to gently decrease my smoking habit over the time of about a month (since I smoke literally around 40 cigarettes a day, every single day, it's a lot) and then decrease my nicotine consumption over yet another month, and then to obviously be completely smoke- and nicotine free after about 2 months.
I think it could work but I wouldn't try to stress it if I'll realise somewhere on the way that I'm gonna need more time. Then I'll just give myself more time. I'm not really in that kind of a hurry. Then hopefully by the time my body is completely free of the extra testosterone I've injected for, it will be 3 years then, it will also be free of any toxins and practically as healthy as I can possibly get it. But then I might have to wait with possibly decreasing my medications if that's gonna be necessary too, cause I don't want to and shouldn't do everything at once or I think I'll just die.
I'm starting to realise it might take more than a year just to get my body physically ready for a pregnancy. I feel like dying a little right now... patience, patience, patience... God, I really need my shrink.
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