I still don't know if I'll fall for my classmate or not. I notice I've been starting to follow her around at school a bit more and I always want her company and support. I hope I won't end up dependent on her presence when I'm there as that could be problematic. I actually think you would like her, Y, as I thought about it during our conversation but didn't say it for some reason. Although she can be a bit intense at times. It's just a guess that it could be partially because of her adhd, borderline and bipolar diagnoses. She's not too much for me though, but then I guess it would take a lot for a person to be too much for me.
I don't know, but I hope we can become good friends in the future, like we'd still keep contact after school. And when you said you hope I can find some friends to support me on this island in the future I did think about her. As a friend who could quite possibly be that kind of support, I mean. The only thing that I need to be sure about before ever thinking that far is if she'd be okay with me being trans. I know I can't really consider anyone a real friend unless I know they're okay with that aspect of me. Perhaps for good reasons.
I know I would like to meet her outside of school at some point so that we could really talk, but I'm not sure how or if that could be arranged. Mostly I'm not sure if she'd be comfortable being like, alone with a guy she might not feel 100% comfortable around. I could perhaps allow for my other classmate that I like too to be around as well, if that could offer more safety for F. Like I wouldn't really mind coming out to M as well, I think she wouldn't take it negatively. I don't really think any of those two would, but yeah I still have some doubts, I guess.
Yeah, I know I'm putting aside the fact that I might fall for F but it really is beside the point. At this point, I just want to be her friend and nothing else. And I do think she would be a good friend. If she accepts me, that is. I also know she knows a bit about having mental health issues and also having children on top of that. But yeah, one thing at a time. I won't rush to tell her absolutely everything at once, I know she might need time to process one thing before the other.
I did talk to my mother some more about my child plans and she mentioned a few things I hadn't thought so much about but I think, over all, I've thought about close to every aspect in some way or another, at some point or another. I will get my next shot of testosterone sometime next week and I do plan to continue with testosterone at least until autumn. If I'm gonna be traveling to the main land this spring and all of that I don't think being off testosterone at that time would be a good idea, and besides, I do need to consult my endocrinologist first as well.
Then I guess my plan with my smoking habit would be to first give myself some time to adjust being off testosterone and then, maybe after a month or two, start slowly decreasing my cigarette consumption and eventually stop completely. Then also I will stop trying to lose weight whether or not I've reached my goal, and instead try to eat as healthily as I possibly can and also stop drinking alcohol. Then of course not engage in any other self destructive behaviour. Good thing for me, I don't have any fresh cuts or wounds on my body anymore and I haven't been cutting or burning myself for almost an entire year now. So I don't need to worry about that habit, I mean.
My wild guesses are that I won't be looking into actually becoming pregnant before at least a year from now. Things will take time and some things will likely even take more time than I think they will. I'm really trying and will keep trying to be as patient as I can and observant and plan everything as carefully as I possibly can. And I'm so, so, so glad that my mother wasn't totally against this. It really helps a lot but I will try to not rely on her helping me too much, cause at the same time I do want to be as independent as I possibly can.
And yeah, no I don't even know exactly what I mean by "independent" when it comes to this. If that means facing my fears such as my phone phobia or what not, or if it just means me doing what I can besides that. I guess I'll try anything and if it really doesn't work out then ask for help. And I do know that I might have to tell my main teacher at school cause this is a total change of future plans that really can't include studies at all for a number of years. But yeah, I can at least go 2, maybe 3 more school terms before I'd have to stop going to school.
Ugh, trying to find videos on youtube about trans men and pregnancy is utterly useless. I mean actual useful information. The closest thing I could find was a little bit of information in the comment section of a video that was just stating that trans men can get pregnant too and not just women. Yeah I know reading the comments of such videos is always taking a risk but lately I haven't been so bothered by the ignorant and terribly rude kind of comments on youtube. Like there was a whole bunch of people stating that "trans men are not real men" and yadda yadda, but I simply sigh, roll my eyes, scroll down and ignore.
Anyhow, after I had done some scrolling through that shit I actually found a few really decent comments. In one a person was asking how treatment would be different for a pregnant transman versus a pregnant woman without being an asshole about it. The answers were quite interesting although I was aware of a lot of the information already. I know that is thinking far ahead but there's so much I don't know that I would like to know. I'm just sponging up every little bit of any kind of information I can at this point.
I would like to know more about the process leading up to becoming pregnant, I guess. Like everything from going off testosterone up to the point where I'm doing frequent pregnancy tests. I don't know really, but like, what is expected of me to do preparation wise and like how on earth I could become a good candidate for insemination if that's even an option. Or if I should find some plan B if it turns out to just be plain useless to try for insemination.
I've been thinking that maybe I shouldn't try to lose more weight now. To not opt for getting down to 50 kg at all, I mean. I do know that would be the best cause I'm also scared of being considered "too thin" for getting pregnant. And what if I would fall down too deep into my eating disorder and not be able to climb out of it? I know it's not my decision whether to stop being eating disordered or not, but it is my decision to not act upon it or how to put it. I haven't lost weight for a while now and I can choose to continue not losing weight. Just focus on maintaining and eating more healthy food.
I have also been trying to accept my body more. And I know that going off testosterone will likely bring some of my curves back (not all cause I doubt it would bring me back to my max/starting weight again) and that won't make it easier for me to accept my body, but yeah. I have though, actually gone from hating my body and thinking it's fat and gross at all times, to more thinking it's like that only sometimes. I think that's a huge step in the right direction.
First of all, I've been trying to not compare myself as much to other people's bodies, whether I find them as thin as I'd want to be, as masculine or just prettier in general. I also try to not think so negatively about my body, and think... I don't know if "positively" is the right word, but more neutrally maybe. So no, I don't think I genuinely hate my body anymore, I just dislike it most of the time but sometimes it's even okay. And yeah, a third thing would be that I'm focusing more on what I don't view as horrible about it.
I wonder if I'm at all gonna pass without testosterone. Heck yeah I'll grow a beard and hope I can keep it cause it might and probably will thin out a little bit. It's pretty thick already though so I don't worry too much about that. But yeah, having at least a bit of facial hair during that time could possibly increase my confidence a notch.
Right okay, I'm just gonna leave you with these random thoughts for now, too tired to continue writing and processing everything.
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