Conflicted

Y, I thought long and well to think of an answer to your message to me on tumblr, I wrote a whole lot but then I fell in deeper in my true thoughts and feelings and they left me really confused. I'm going to attempt another try for an answer and hopefully I can at least somewhat describe what I think is the truth now. Yes, I got a few more very vague realisations/insights but mostly I'm just confused, by what I believe and what I want.

I don't know for sure if I think you're right about that falling for someone who requites my love would mean choosing life or not. In a way, I guess? But I've been in a relationship with mutual love before and I still chose death, although I was quite a lot younger back then and didn't understand those sorts of things. In a way, I think I'd have to choose life if I choose to stay with that person (the one who's requite my love) for all eternity, but then I could also choose to only stay with them until I can die, or that was how I used to reason and now I don't know. On another note, I do know that if I will fall for someone who would feel the same for me, then I would choose life but not otherwise.

I have all these high standards and conditions, requirements that life needs to meet if I'm gonna give it another chance. Like this or that needs to happen or else fuck that shit, I'd rather die. I know it's very black and white thinking, and having those high demands on life is probably what made me hate it so much, those high demands on myself, basically.

I'm far more afraid of living than I am of dying, yes. Life obviously isn't easy, and I know that if I was to truly choose life, I would all of a sudden have more demands on me, more responsibilities, more expectations and that scares me so much. I try to escape life by staying as disabled as I can be, by declining any kind of help to basically learn how to lead a better life eventually, to be more independent and all that. I'm basically letting others live my life for me, in a sense. I don't know if that's understandable?

To me, that is the in between, to not be dead but to also not live my life fully. I know there's no literal in between, either you're alive and breathing or you're dead and not breathing. Simple as that. But in my world, I tend to use such expressions to describe what I cannot describe in a more direct way without making an entire book about the topic and although I love writing much, I do also like having these more abstract ways of describing things. So, anyhow, that is what I mean by being in between, it's more figurative than literal.

Unrequited love is not safe for me. I must admit, your statement didn't sit quite right with me and I'm not sure how to react to it. I'm not sure I completely understand what you meant by it either. But as I see it, it's just a nightmare and I wish with all that I am that it didn't have to be this way, me constantly falling for unobtainable people. I've tried to avoid it from happening in every possible way I could ever think of, and some ways that google suggested to me as well, but nothing has ever worked. I'm tired of trying to control my hopeless heart. All I ever wanted was mutual love, all, all, all. Maybe I did misinterpret what you meant and if so I'm sorry and I did not intend to.

You're partially right that my numbness is comfortable. One one hand it's indeed quite comfy to not be in that twisting storm of constant emotions way too overwhelming - but on the other hand, it's quite awful and problematic as well. I can't connect to myself as well anymore. I miss feeling alive, I even miss the "negative" feelings that tore my days and night apart. But mostly I miss the passion, the fire. Whether that be for love or creativity or anything. I do wish to break out of this numbness but seems I have no clue as to how. I've gotten used to it.

I might be scared of facing my fears, but I'm not actually, not really avoiding them. Maybe I just don't know what to do about anything anymore? I am so lost when it comes to love, it seems I'm doing exactly everything wrong and I don't even know what wouldn't be wrong. At the same time, I did make the choice to stay in love with K and to not let him go, to not "get over" him or however I should phrase it. I know it's not a very wise decision and it probably stemmed from my obsession, but also from me caring as much about him as I do.

And I know, I know very well that that decision does not make anything regarding love easier for me. I know my love for him is blocking my ability to love anyone else, and I think, also it's blocking my ability to truly see you. I'm torn towards that decision, as part of me wants to let go so that I can see clearly again, while part of me wouldn't let go for anything in the world and beyond. I think I still need to love him the way I do, for some reason, but I have no clue of what to do about my, and our (yours and mine) situation when it comes to me not being able to truly see you. I want to, but I want to so many things at the same time and I can't just pick a choice at this point.

I know I need to let go and just go with whatever happens, and I think maybe I will one day, but as of now, I'm still scared of letting go of the steering wheel.

Yes, I see, I know that is a possibility, but as I said I'm very torn and conflicted. I want more than I can have, but if it needs to be said, I'd choose my ancient lover over K, but not before I'm absolutely sure that he's found me. I just can't accept such things so easily and I am still unsure. Something doesn't feel right within me and I don't know whether to trust my gut, my heart, my soul or my mind. They all seem to tell me different things at this point and they've been yelling at me and stabbing me for months now. I don't care about having peace from that war but I do care about knowing what to do about anything eventually.

Right now, I'm mostly just trying to go with it, not force or throw myself into any direction. I just can't at this point. Too much remains uncertain to me, I'm still holding back a little, but in all honesty, this has been ravaging inside me for quite some time now, under the surface. I don't know what to make of anything at all. Partially, I just want to take the leap and hope it all ends well, but my fears are holding me back. And that searing, tossing and turning gut feeling that is trying to tell me something isn't right, should I ignore it or not? I just have one more question for now: how much time can you give me to figure this mess out? I'm saying, you might have to remain unseen whilst this war inside me is going on. I don't want it to be that way, I wish I could just see you by looking, but all that shit is blocking my sight.

And I'm pretty damn clueless as to what exactly I'm supposed to do about that mess, cause obviously just giving it time didn't seem to work. I have to try different things, dive again and see what I can find in the abyss. Alright, I thought it was finally time to give you some more insight of what's going on with me although I'm far from done with trying to understand it. I think, keeping you updated of what remains unseen within me is more important than whether or not I manage to solve this chaos. I might never be able to. And I want you to know about that conflict within me, even though I can just barely describe it in an understandable way.

Anyhow, that's all I can think of for today. Now I'm far beyond tired and should rest until I can fall asleep sometime later tonight. I've wanted to say all of this for so long now but I just couldn't find the words but I suppose this will have to do. I can't describe it better, or I think I can't at least. I hope it can give some clarification. Also, I do agree it would be good to talk/write again in private as soon as we both feel up for it. I do look forward to talking to you again.