After thoughts

Okay I can't really think straight right now and I'm close to crying. I just feel it's crawling beneath my skin and I can't sit still. Apparently I got 3 new followers on tumblr right after I had posted that poem. I had been losing followers quite steadily lately so that was a bit of a nice surprise. I can't make sense of much right now. It feels like everything from the past few months, or years, has been leading up to this realisation. That I need to take a firm grip on my life and shake it so hard that it won't even resemble my life anymore.

Oh my god, what I'm facing now... it leaves me gasping for air for I've forgotten how to breathe properly. It just feels like suddenly all the pieces fell into place and I can't stop shivering, trembling at how immense this is. I hope I won't chicken out and stay in this horrible comfort zone. My life awaits me outside of it. I know that now. If only I had known before, what would I have done to possibly prepare myself? It's an intriguing thought, but not much I can do with it.

I sooo need my shrink now, now more than before. From having zero plans on what to do with my life I now have two huge ones. I'm moving back to the main land with our without my family's "consent" and I'm gonna have or start my own family there. It's a whole new world. The prophecy was never clear if it was gonna be a positive or a negative experience and now I think I know why.

Y, I started on a reply to your first message to me on our tumblr, but I lost my concentration and ability to explain my confusing thoughts mid through it, so I'm holding it off until tomorrow or whenever I can focus back on it again. I read some of your second message but holding back tears and trembling as I do, it was too difficult for me to read it right then. Not because of the content, but just my mind being an annoying blockage again. I will of course go back to both your messages as soon as I can. I have too much on my mind tonight, it's dividing me and shaking me senseless.

I know I just posted another entry but I felt some after thoughts could be good. Tiredness suddenly washes over me, I should go to bed soon. Okay I'm out of thoughts, just tiredness and confusion and fear is left. This spring, this whole year, will for sure be daunting, but I think, empowering too.