So... I just told my mother about my moving plans because it was getting too difficult to talk about anything with bringing up my endocrinologist and everything. I know her first reaction to me wanting a child was good and then turned bad so I guess I'm more prepared for the same thing about me moving. Of course she told me I had to do it myself so I guess I'll be searching for ads for apartments in Uppsala all spring in hopes to find the smallest bit of something I could live in. Cause apparently my queue for apartments in Uppsala is so low that there's literally nothing. I don't know if things are actually meant to happen this year or if I'm just gonna wear myself out for nothing.
Cause I just got that feeling. Trying to find a legal apartment that is decent and big enough for money I can afford (with allowance then) within the Uppsala district this year suddenly sounds halfway impossible. I wonder if I could possibly buy an apartment instead of just renting it, or if that wouldn't be possible with my financial situation? I have to look into it somehow. I tried to tell my mother how I hate it on this island and missing my friends and what not. I don't know if she'll ever understand. Why did I have to move here in the first place? How stupid could I be?
I know it's still weekend and Easter but I would want to get into contact with my endocrinologist sometime next week. Yeah I could just go off testosterone like my mother suggested but I think it would be better to schedule an appointment so that I can go through that decision with my endocrinologist and also I could ask things like what to expect going off testosterone, how long it could take for my body to "get back to normal" again and such.
All these thoughts make my head hurt, and I'm sensing it's gonna get much much worse. My mother was like "good luck, have fun" about both my life decisions and I just... feel like strangling her a bit. I read on various websites about people's mothers wanting to have grand children but their children are not up for that, and I just sit here and wish things were reversed. Why couldn't my mother be... I don't know, but a tad more happy for me or supportive of like the biggest decision of my entire life?
This is probably some control tactic she's playing at, for all I know. That if she doesn't support me she'll think that I would eventually give up on my crazy dreams and get back to "reality" again. I don't know how I can do this on my own. I will have to try and keep trying and hope I won't screw up too much. Like it would be hard for me to inspect apartments in Uppsala from over here if I ever get that far, I won't know what I'll sign up for. Chances are I could be scammed a lot. Of course I'll turn to my friends first, and hear with them if they know someone, anyone, who is moving or just has an apartment free somewhere.
I might even aim for living further away from Uppsala than I intend to, just to get away from this damn island. How is Alunda these days by the way? The village I grew up in. But would I be able to even live with myself if I had to put my child in the same horrible school that I went to as a child? Now that's something to wrap my head around. Or maybe Gimo or Östhammar would be better then, they're a bit bigger, slightly further away and the latter even counts as a city... I think. I don't know, I really don't know. I'm restless in my soul and I just want to go. Do I really have to queue for ten years to get a decent apartment in Uppsala?
Okay I managed to get into the website with apartments myself, and it is like my mother said, just newly built apartments with a rent of at least 7000 kr and if I say I'm interested I'd get like number 70-ish in queue out of like 180. I'm not even sure what all that means but I'm guessing it means my chances of getting those apartments are pretty slim. And I have to make sure I can get the extra allowance for the rent if or before saying I'm interested in those apartments. Cause I can't pay for that kind of rent with just my regular allowance, since that rent is higher than the original amount that I get, which is somewhere around 5-6000 kr.
With the extra allowance though, I get more like 10.000 kr a month, and that pays for my rent which is at 5500 kr. So I guess I'm actually paying around 500 of that rent each month. I just don't understand anything. But yeah, I should start hunting for apartments first in and around Uppsala, secondly anywhere in Uppland. I know I might regret it if I hurry too much and get an apartment in a small village tens of miles from my favourite town, and I guess I should just chill, but right now I just can't fucking think.
But yeah, I could like, make a status update on facebook or something and see if anyone has any suggestions. My best friend might know more, and I think her husband might too. And I hope they'd be willing to help me. At least with explaining things in an understandable way, which my mother is kinda incapable of, especially late at night which is when we talk as she's more of a morning person. I don't know why I felt like I had to tell her right now. Now I have two different things that she'll be against or already is but isn't showing it much. But yeah, I'm not blind, I'm not stupid and I know her.
I know what she feels when she gets silent in the phone like that and says that she has nothing to say about it. When she on some level knows that I can be stubborn as fuck and that when I've decided for something there's nothing stopping me. And she even had the guts to bluntly ask me if I think I could provide a safe environment for my child. I was *this* fucking close to tell her that "yeah well better than you could provide me with at least" but I held my tongue. It was a bit hard to talk with my heart somewhere up in my throat and shaking like a leaf but I did say something about that I'll bring some with me of how I was raised and change a few things here and there, without going into details.
I just didn't think now was the time to tell her about what I thought sucked about the way she raised me. She also again brought up that what about if everything goes to hell and I won't be able to hack it, and I was close to mentioning my best friend, but I didn't want for it to sound like I was just gonna count on her if anything gets a little hard, so I didn't. No, I wouldn't want to give up on caring for my child for anything, but my mother clearly doesn't believe that at all. Nope, she's sooo fucking certain that I would just one day say "fuck this shit, you take care of the kid" as if I ever fucking would.
A child is not a thing you can get bored with and then get rid of. A child is a living breathing human being that deserves all the best and that's what I'm gonna give mine, no matter fucking what. But I can't convince my mother, I don't care about my mother. Although it would be good if she could stop worrying so much about it. She's so damn negative about the whole situations it's making me angry. And this whole deal about moving, I think either I'm gonna give up which won't happen, or she's gonna cave in and help me in the end. She always does. Although I really try not to count on it, I need to try this on my own or how the fuck would I survive life in Uppsala with a child as well?
This is all very overwhelming. My body is so tired by now I literally can't sit up straight (my back kinda hurts in this position too) but my mind is racing like fuck. I've been up and awake since 6:30 this morning too, so that's why my body is so tired by now, and it's 23:02 right now. Right, it's now 1:15 and I'm going to bed. Playing some WoW helped distracting me a bit, so I think I'm good to go.
Also, thank you Y for the flowers, they're really lovely :)
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