Energetic thoughts

I've been thinking, I might have to solve issues about this moving deal in ways I can't even imagine at this stage. I'm not saying that dream or whatever to call it might not even happen, I'm just saying it might get a lot harder than I can imagine. It might really put me to the test, and I might have to ask myself things like: how will this be possible? and, is it worth it? - along the way. I'm counting on having to suddenly take on a lot of responsibility. Like really start getting able to pay my own bills again, for example.

Cause when I say my mother takes care of everything, I mean everything. Everything that I will somehow have to be able to to take care of myself by the time I'll be all settled in Uppsala. I think that about the bills is gonna be one of the things that will worry my mother the most. I was half lucky in Uppsala, when I lived there, meaning I managed to stay out of debt, but very barely. I have a world of responsibilities ahead of me, but I think and hope, that I could be more prepared for them now, and face them in a more mature way.

Don't know if it's because I'm older or whatever, but I do want to believe that some things have changed. 3 and a half weeks until I turn 27. Damn... I thought I was gonna die and it turns out to be the complete opposite. I really fucking hope, ahaha. Damn, I suddenly find myself wanting to live. What happened? Not even six months ago I wanted anything but to live. I begged for death then, now I'm fighting for my chance at life.

Perhaps I wasn't ready sooner, perhaps I needed a prophecy to shake me up. The vision of me dying though, Satan's horrible words, will it come even later or was it just to scare me? 3 years ago, he told me I would have 3 or 4 years left to live. Maybe he gave me that prophecy, I don't know. But I'm tired of blindly believing at this point. Maybe he was just a hallucination, I don't know. Maybe it was all lies, I don't know what to believe.

I just remembered something, that back when I had just started having these thoughts on wanting a child, or maybe even just before, I watched an episode of my favourite thriller tv-serie "Cold Case". I don't remember what the episode was called, but it was basically about a young girl back in the 1960's (I think she was the murder victim) who was 16 years old and got pregnant with her boyfriend from high school. Her parents thought it was best she went away to some nun monastery to have her child there and then to give it up for adoption. I just remember I cried like a million tears when she had had her baby and she didn't want to give him up. She sang "You are my sunshine" with a trembling voice and it just touched me so much. Never before I've had such a reaction to a mother and her child story.

I guess, it could have sort of helped sparking my own feelings about if I ever wanted a child in the future myself. It certainly rattled me however. Anyhow, I talked to my mother on the phone about 2 hours ago now and when I said I've been cleaning without the help of the crew she sounded so disappointed in me. Like, I strongly got the sensation that she wants for me to stay disabled so that I can keep this apartment. It just hurt me so bad, but I didn't say anything. I doubt that she knows about my realisation, that I can see through her caring facade and that she's trying to control me.

And it's hard, to pretend like nothing whenever I talk to her, but I try, cause I really need to talk to my psychologist about this first. I don't want to go behind my mother's back but I will if I have to, like if that's the only way. I'll tell my psychologist about all the times I've brought it up with my mother, about wanting to move back to Uppsala again but that she's denied it every single time. I'll also tell her that it feels like my mother just wants full control over me and that she wants to keep me here against my will, but that I think it's gone too far now and I need to break free, once and for all.

And then of course I'll talk about my plans for having a child cause I want to hear her opinions on that too. So yeah, I'll bring up both topics at once cause I feel I really need to. That they're equally important. If she'll ever get well soon...