Oh, how I miss my friends on the main land. Those I haven't seen or heard from for all too long. I know my best friend's ex who is a dear friend of mine still cares about me and I would very much like to get back into some kind of contact with him again. And also I'd like to meet up with another person who used to be a friend of mine and my best friend but she un-friended me on facebook for unknown reasons so I'd just like to know what's up. Like did I do something or what? I don't even know. We weren't extremely close but like... I don't know, I told her about my life like a lot and we used to have fun at parties.
And hell yeah I'll have a housewarming party of the wildest kind when I'm all settled in or around Uppsala again. Invite practically everyone and hope as many people as possible come. I do aim for having a pretty large apartment after all. I would try to plan it as well as I possibly can and pick a date far into the future so that people will be well prepared for it. Like maybe ask people to bring all sorts of food and or sweets they like and then offer booze or something like that. And of course let people sleep over if they need to as well. I need to get a stereo equipment so that music can be played out loud.
Wow it was so long ago since I last held a party of some kind. It must have been for my 21st birthday back in 2010. I wish some of my friends in or around Uppsala celebrated the bigger holidays with friends rather than their families so that I could join in maybe. I'm sick and tired of celebrating with my family. But yeah, once I have my child I probably will and probably should be celebrating Christmas and such with my parents. I mean, my child should meet their grand parents at least once a year or so. I think it would be the best for them, and my own petty needs would definitely not come first anymore then.
I do however look forward to celebrate like Christmas a birthdays and such with my child, like it would be meaningful again in a whole new way. But haha, I kinda suck at buying presents though. But, I think that it won't be so difficult to find presents for a small child. They usually say what they want and not. Lots of toys, I can imagine. Although I'll probably be living on a budget and not be able to afford all that much toys all the freaking time. And they'll want the really fancy and expensive stuff and I'll have to buy a cheap rip off instead and hope my child won't be extremely upset and disappointed by that...
I do remember my own childhood and my parents weren't that rich either. I did get the cheap rip offs and yes I complained but in the end I realised that was way better than getting nothing at all. I was a pretty smart kid after all. Wonder where all that intelligence went. I think my child's childhood might become pretty similar to my own, in how my parents raised me, that is. I liked how no gender roles were forced on me. Over all my home environment was above average, I believe, but yeah, having two asperger parents (although undiagnosed but they're pretty obvious cases both my mother and my father) did make it difficult at times.
They didn't always understand me. I couldn't always read their signals or lack there of, there was a fair bit of misunderstanding, just to mention a few things. And I know my child will have an asperger parent as well, but what can I say? I'll do the best I can with what I've got. I didn't know that many other adults except from my parents when I grew up, except from like daycare staff, school teachers and that sort of people. I hope my child will know more adults such as my friends. My parents didn't and don't really have any friends. Yeah my mother had two pretty close friends that I saw just a handful of times when I grew up but I couldn't really connect with them, except from one, Carina.
I think it's safe to say her name here as I'm no longer in contact with her and I don't even know what happened with her. She was very kind, a fair bit younger than my mother and I remember she gave me clothes and toys. I always had the impression that she really liked both me and my sister, but she was troubled. When my mother first met her she was desperately fleeing from her abusive father. I never knew the full extent of the abuse but I know at some point he literally stole all her pets (dogs and horses) and threatened to have her evicted. I think she was 28 years old at the time, but I'm not sure about my fading memory.
I do still think about her sometimes, as she was the only adult from like the outside that I knew of in my childhood. She was the one who also encouraged me to start writing diaries when I was 8 years old. I thought that was an absolutely lovely idea and I've been writing ever since. Then she had to move again, just a few years later or so, to flee from her father again, and I never saw her again. And that's it, that's all I can say about her.
But yeah, I do hope that my child will get to know my friends a little bit at least. That they won't be all repulsed by the thought of getting to know my child, haha. Oh my god, I have no fucking idea what their reaction is gonna be to me becoming a parent. But, most of them don't even know the full extent of my disabilities so they'll probably think it's all good for me to have a child and what not. Alcohol... I just thought of it. My parents let me drink beer already when I was like 10-12 years old and I had champagne the New Years Eve when I was 11, with the reasoning that they wanted to "take the mystery out of alcohol" already from early on. Although I was thrilled over being allowed to drink, I don't think I would do the same with my child. And it didn't work that way anyway. Both me and my sister are or have been abusing alcohol as adults.
That whole thing just makes me feel uneasy for some reason. I don't think children so young should drink alcohol. It's not good. But then I know teens and their habits, so maybe I would allow for some when they're... I don't know but maybe around 15 years old? I really do hope they won't ever get into alcohol addiction. It runs in the family. Some relatives on my mother's side and now my sister, and I've been there too. But I'm hoping I won't fall back into it again, but truth is I might and I can't do anything about that as of now. Okay that's just a side note, I don't think I really need to worry about that just yet. I haven't even gotten pregnant yet, it's gonna be a long time until my child becomes a teen.
I was just thinking what I would tell my child about my situation with Anna. Since I would want to be as open as possible about everything that isn't plain inappropriate to be open about.
Oh, I heard in a video about pregnancy that the ideal weight for it is to have a BMI of something between 20 and 24 or if it was 25. And I just calculated my BMI and it's at 20,2 so that's kinda exactly on the minimum then. So I'm hopefully not gonna be considered too thin for a pregnancy, or be advised to gain weight. I hope so at least. I'm thinking I'll check my weight once every month or so, just to make sure I stay as close to 57 kg as possible, or mostly keep track of if I lose weight cause then I'd have to gain and what not.
But like, no obsessive every day weighing cause that's just unnecessary. And it could also trigger me back to old habits again. Oh, and if you ever wondered, I have no problem discussing weight loss or stuff like that, like it doesn't trigger me or anything. Not much at all, at least. I know I said I'm doing nothing in terms of working towards my goals right now but I realise it's not exactly true, since I'm fighting this eating disorder right now.
It is a struggle, but not all as hard as I imagined it would be. I mean, it's difficult eating especially in the morning cause I'm so used to intermittent fasting then, and it's hard to know if I'm eating too much, too little or just enough over the course of a day. And also the type of foods I eat have higher calorie count than what I should be eating so that's something I keep in mind as well. I mostly live on bread, hot dogs and portion size pizza. I drink tropic juice, sugar free lemonade, coffee and small amounts of diet coke and tap water these days.
I aim at eating more vegetables and chicken, rice and pasta, and to drink more juice. I'm guessing it's gonna take a while before I can even consider my eating habits semi healthy. It's a long process, for some reason. Good thing I've got time then. I imagine telling my best friend about all my plans, and I wonder how she will react when I do tell her. I will either tell her over facebook any time from now, or when we see each other in May. I hope we can find a time and space when I visit, to talk, just the two of us. I really think we both will need that. To talk freely about everything that's been and about the future. I want to know how she's been too.
I think the last time we talked was in mid January this year, so it wasn't that overly long ago, but yeah, I always miss her and I miss talking to her. Especially now that I have two kinda huge news to give her. And I think she'd like to hear about my suddenly so positive outlook on my future. Like I don't think that's ever happened before, me being positive about my future, that is. And I do hope she has been doing okay since last we spoke. I think about her a lot lately, I just want to get back into her life again, you know?
And I long for living there, closer to her again. So then hopefully we can meet a bit more often than barely once a year. I've been thinking it long before and we've spoken a bit about it too in the past, but now it just hit me again, that maybe I would want for her to be the godmother to my child. I'm not entirely sure, but I might want for her husband to be the godfather in that case. I do consider him one of my closest friends but I'm just not sure how he would want for such things to be. I think it's a decision we should all three be taking together if it's something that I'll even truly want. Maybe it's just a bit too Christian for me, I don't know, but me being a Satanist and all might not work with that godmother/godfather thing.
But yeah, let me put it this way instead, that if something was to happen to me and I wouldn't be able to care for my child anymore (or I'll drop dead, who knows) I would want for the two of them to be the ones to take over my child or how to phrase it. I think that's a really important decision though, and I think they wouldn't decline it either, as I know they're kinda planning on having kids in the future as well, we're practically the same age which could be a good thing too and I trust them with my life so I think I would trust them with my child too. I think it could be really good to have that as some kind of back up or what to say, that if everything turns to hell or what not, I would want for them to step in but only if they'd be up for it.
I know though, that things would have to get really bad for me to give up my child for anyone in the entire world. Like if I die, get so badly injured or ill that taking care of my child wouldn't be possible at all, things like that. Things that can happen no matter how careful you are, things you have literally no control over. Damn, why didn't I think about this before? It could be really important, cause I would want to avoid sending my child to foster care if at all possible. I'm not sure what Swedish laws say about this though. My mother said she would never take care of my child if things turn hellish, and they would be my child's closest relatives. Unless my sister would suddenly raise her voice and agree to take care of my child if things would go terribly wrong, but I kinda doubt it.
Although, I do just remember that my youngest cousin (who's about 5-10 years older than me) is awaiting his first child with his now pregnant wife, and I don't know if they would ever agree to care for my child if I died or whatever. I don't know, I haven't spoken to him in many many years, although we are friends on facebook only because I found him there and he accepted my friend request for some reason. However, I would only agree to handing over my child to him if the law would refuse me handing over them to my best friend instead. I don't know if it would be legal or not. But if my best friend would be my child's godmother, then it shouldn't be a problem, right? Isn't that what the title "godmother" is meant for? Or am I terribly uneducated on the topic?
Yes, okay I seem to know my stuff. I found a website via google that clarified that that's the originally intended purpose of a godparent, although also that it doesn't have to be that way. It's up to the actual parent/-s to decide. So that's good to know. But another thing to consider is that I'm no longer a member of the Swedish church (I left it freely a couple of years ago). I have actually thought of re-joining them though, so I might do that if I decide to make my best friend my child's godmother if it's required to be a member. Cause then it wouldn't be completely pointless to be a member, I mean.
I do however not want to baptise my child so I wonder about that too. I just don't want to do a lot of unnecessary, half shitty, religious bullshit stuff for my child, I mean, a religion that I don't even follow. Perhaps it can be fixed some other way, to like go to a court and just state that I would want for my best friend to have these and those responsibilities without the fancy title, I don't know. It just seems very Christian and I do not want to get too mixed up in that religion. Nothing against anyone who is Christian, just being over all and generally against the religion itself.
I mean, if my child would choose to become a Christian I would of course support them in any way I can, that's not what I meant. It just wouldn't make much sense for me to do a lot of weird Christian rituals for my child as a baby when I'm a Satanist, if you know what I'm saying. Unfortunately Satanism doesn't offer much in terms of decent and good rituals that are similar to those of Christianity. Or I haven't found any anyway. And also, it's important that any such decisions I take regarding my best friend are okay for her as well. However, I have some time to figure things out, but I think it was imortant that these things came to my mind. Those are decisions I should probably take pretty soon after my child is born, if not sooner. I need to have it settled sooner.
I'm just looking forward to sharing my pregnancy journey with like everyone I know, haha. I would so document the hell out of it. I think I would thank myself for that later on. Like maybe 5 years from now and I'll wonder, what was it actually like now again? And I could just look into what I documented and be reminded of it. And I love documenting various aspects of my life and looking back at it. And also I think it could even also possibly be of interest to the world as well, (like facebook, tumblr, this blog, maybe youtube as well) because I'm trans and mentally disabled. I'm not just the usual, standard parent to be, I mean.
I would want to come out on tumblr eventually, but I'm holding it off for now. I want to move first, and go off testosterone, then I might. I will probably go off testosterone before moving, simply because I think that's gonna be easier. Than to first move and then try to find myself a new endocrinologist in Uppsala to book an appointment with and then go off testosterone, I mean.
I'm back to adding stuff to my autobiography again. It's been a little while and more things have happened in my life that are worth writing down. I finished writing the chapter about 2015 and just started on a new chapter for 2016 that I called "En anledning att leva" which directly translates to "A reason to live". I think I really will write down a lot about what's hopefully gonna happen in the future. I can't end the book like it is now. No, I'll give it a good, possibly even a happy, ending sometime much later. I want to write about moving back to Uppsala and having my child there.
I think that will really make the book an interesting read too. Not that many memoirs out on the market about a very troubled transguy who then also gets pregnant and has his own child. I just thought of this and what an awesome idea I think it would be to include that stuff. I wish you could read that book once it's done, Y, but it's in Swedish as of now. I have even thought of translating it, almost kinda just for you if you would want me to. I really don't mind writing about my life a second time in my second language, but it would undoubtedly be a lot of work.
It was easier for me to write in Swedish mainly because of the school system here not really being all that translatable. And I've been going to school most of my life, so it's a lot about mentioning various schools and grades and all that stuff. But yeah, I think about you sometimes when I write it, that I would like for you to read it but I just don't know how. Now of course you do already know almost everything that is written in it so far, but I don't know, it's more detailed I guess, and more structured.
It's been so easy for me to write it, because of how my life seems to have been split up into different eras, I changed drastically from one state of mind to another. Also because my long term memory is, as far as I can understand, exceptionally good. Literally the opposite to my short term memory which barely even exists. And then with the help of all of my diaries ranging from age 8 to 24-ish and then blog and journal entries on my computer and online to support my memory even more. It's been a breeze, practically. I've read a lot of autobiographies/memoirs (well a handful at least) so that helps getting inspiration for how to structure up chapters and stuff like that.
I don't know when I'll stop writing and call it done. I'm thinking maybe sometime around when I'll hopefully feel more at ease in life, like I've gotten somewhere, achieved something, can appreciate my past more or whatever along those lines. If pregnancy and all of that works out at least somewhat well, I'm thinking I might stop writing that book in a few years from now, once my child has been born and I've gotten all settled and everything. But then maybe I won't ever really settle in life? Maybe I can't find a good time to end my book? It can't continue until I'm 99 years old, it would be far, far beyond massive, haha.
Maybe I'll end it with a cliff hanger instead and immediately start writing another book continuing where this one left off. Either way, I guess it can work out. Oh, I just thought of that I think my psychologist will be so relieved when I tell her what I think the prophecy is about. That I'm not dying at all, I'm gonna live. And not just exist and barely survive, but truly live my life like never before. I hope she'll see the good side of things like I do, and not just focus on what will undoubtedly become difficult.
Still no word from her and now it's Easter. I'm on holiday again from school for a little more than a week, just like everyone is. Because of Easter. I don't really celebrate it though, I only ever do when it falls on my birthday, which it does some years but not always. I might buy myself a nice bouquet of daffodils though, just because it's my favourite flower and it only blooms around this time of year. I generally don't appreciate most plants, I think maybe my fear of roots has to do with that. I don't know. It's a stupid phobia but it's there nonetheless. I do like some flowers and plants though, but I don't really, truly appreciate them the way most people seem to do. Nature doesn't impress me.
I did send some of my poems to my psychologist a couple of weeks ago or so, and I hope she's read them but I don't know if she has. Not like she has to if she's sick, I just think it would be nice. I don't know. And I can't help but worrying about her too, thinking what if those poems and that e-mail is the last words I'll ever give her? What if she's dying and just won't tell her patients about it? What if I'll lose the only good contact I have on this horrible island?
A classmate of mine mentioned that her daughter's psychologist had died and it just stung in my heart immediately. How I fear that is happening to my psychologist too. Yeah, I do have a slight fear of being abandoned in the worst of ways, but usually that fear doesn't affect me much, unless something happens. Something like this. And I know I should just chill but how can I?
I know this fear will only intensify as I keep waiting for a sign of any kind. That she's better, worse, coming back to work or not coming back. I swear if that receptionist calls me again two weeks from now-ish and tells me my next appointment with her is cancelled as well I will fucking hit the roof and scream my freaking lungs out. Not at the receptionist of course, but like 5 seconds after the phone call.
So, every time I watch a youtube video on pregnancy and child care they always bring up breastfeeding and I'm like... half sad that I won't be able to do it and half just pissed that they're generalising. No I don't want my boobs back, I don't know what I want. I'll just connect to my child by holding them instead or something. I need to invest in a good arm chair or something so that I can sit in it and hold my baby. I think that would be good. And speaking of furniture, I would need some good storage space for fragile things that I own that I don't want to get broken or something. Like something with a lock on perhaps. Although I don't think baby would be crawling around and breaking my things the first thing that happens. But eventually it will happen.
Also another thing I thought of, I should probably stop talking to myself in English constantly when I'll have my child unless I want to make them bilingual from early on. I know that can be confusing for a child to learn two different languages simultaneously that early in life and I should probably focus on teaching them Swedish and maybe wait with the English a few years or so.
I'm getting too tired to focus and I'm getting bored as well, so will probably end this text soon. Also, thank you for your message to me, Y. It was interesting and lovely and I'll get into writing an answer for you soon enough. Damn I seem to be constantly hungry today. No idea as to why. I keep eating. And then I'm hungry again 5 minutes later. Okay I'm out of words, good night.
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