Staying alive

I just dreamed on the couch that I was gonna have bottom surgery about 3-4 years after I had had my child, and the dream revolved mostly around how to explain to my child (which was a boy in my dream) about what I was going through. It was pretty intense and often times very emotional. It was partially a lucid dream, by which I mean I controlled some but not everything. I think I made it somewhat realistic at least. But honestly I have no idea how I would explain such a thing to a child, but would I really wait as long as 3-4 years though?

Who knows, maybe it wouldn't be possible before then, since I'm gonna need to be able to take care of that child 24/7 for about that long, and having surgery tends to make you kinda not so able to take care of anything really for at least the first few days after, up to several weeks after. And I know that bottom surgery is pretty invasive even though I would go for a bit less invasive method that also usually only requires one operation.

All those things about it are good now, I realise, if I'm gonna need to be up and about as soon as possible after the operation for my child's sake. I would of course need someone to help me with the child care during that immediate post op time though. I'm sure it can be arranged somehow, even if I'm still, or again for that matter, single by that time. I hope I'm not still single in 4-5 years from now... that would be sad. I'm pretty sure I will have let go of K by that time and so I would be open for someone else that I could fall for.

But I don't know, I've heard it's much harder to find a partner if you have a child. Cause of course then, partnering up with me would mean also getting a child as a bonus. I'm not saying it can't happen of course, anything can happen and that I know, just saying it might decrease my chances of finding a decent partner. I won't really have time for dating, I'll be very busy, probably won't talk about much else than child caring and raising and all the struggles that comes with it. But of course it's not impossible to find a partner when I have a child. It might even increase my chances that the few people I might find would be decent.

How am I thinking now? Just a thought, that if someone knows they'll get a child too but still would want to give me a chance, chances are that they are serious about it. I'm hoping that by raising my child in Uppsala, they will get to know more decent adults than just me and my parents and my sister. If any of my friends over there would even want to see me when I get back there, that is. If they'd even be remotely interested in having even just the smallest amount of influence on my child. I don't mean they'd have to baby sit every day, but just being in our company every once in a while whenever it suits all of us.

But yeah, of course I would ask for help from my more trustworthy friends there (I can think of a handful of people at least, possibly more if I think longer than for three seconds) if or rather when I'll need it. I would turn a lot to my best friend and her husband, but then also to those who also have children of their own, as they might be more familiar with that situation then. Not a lot of my friends in Uppsala have children, but a few. It would be nice to just meet their families and hang out at a park or something too. Just for fun, I mean. It's not all gonna be necessities to left and right, I do think it's gonna be a lot of fun and cosiness, joy and love as well.

I guess I just seem to be more focused on the practical stuff cause that's what I need to make plans around and understand the complexity of. But in my mind and heart, where all my thoughts and feelings about this topic come from, I think about and imagine a lot of the other stuff too. That joy, fun, love and so on. Things I barely even have words for. Just imagining holding my new born child for the first time, sleeping next to them (I imagine having their crib right next to my own bed so that I won't accidentally suffocate them in my sleep as I tend to move around a lot, which I fear could happen if I let them sleep in my bed), teaching them how to talk, just taking a stroll downtown or wherever with them in a baby carriage, feeding them and so on.

All the thoughts flicker through my mind like a jumbled up movie played really fast with emotions connected to each sequence, or sometimes I stop and focus on one particular thing. I've been thinking maybe I should take a simple, like really basic cooking class of some kind sometime during my pregnancy preparation period, so that I'll be able to cook proper food for my child once they start eating real food then. Because I completely suck at cooking and I do realise that I most likely will have to like "overcome" that in the future.

I did somewhat manage vegan food back when I was vegan and basically had to cook everything I ate. But otherwise I've mostly been living on sandwiches and pre-made meals that you just pop into the microwave. I cannot let my child live on that crap. That's just out of the question. And I can't really let them live on just macaroni and meat balls either, which is about the only thing that I can cook. But I mean a really, really basic cooking course, possibly even look for something that's aimed at new parents if there is such a thing. But just, something that would teach me how to cook from scratch, basically. Cause I know practically nothing.

I mean, I try to follow instructions on the food item packages but always seem to fail. I can however actually cook rise now, which I couldn't a few years ago. Or even just a year ago. Well, as long as the rise is simple enough to cook, I do know that different types of rise are cooked differently. But for example, I do not know how to cook potatoes cause I've never tried. I can't make lasagna either. I know that I originally completely sucked at multitasking and that has made cooking very difficult, but I also know that's something I can learn to get better at. I manage multitasking in WoW somewhat well, for example. And I will have to learn more multitasking when having a child, haha oh my god...

Cause I won't only need to be able to take care of a baby, but myself as well so that I'll have a fighting chance to cope with that stress. I need to stick to healthy habits such as sleeping well and eating right. And really try to avoid ending up in alcohol over consumption again. If I do start smoking again that will have to wait until baby is old enough to be let out of sight for a few minutes (as I certainly won't smoke indoors then or too close to the child so that they inhale the smoke).

Actually I heard that passive smoking is more dangerous than actual smoking, that the smoke that comes from the cigarette where it's burning is more dangerous than the smoke that you would inhale from taking a drag. Although I have zero sources on that so I'm taking it with a grain of salt. It's just something that someone told me quite recently. Either way I would not want to poison my own child with cigarette smoke. I want to be the best parent I ever could be. And that means about literally everything that I've thought of and also what I haven't yet thought of.

I'll do my fucking best to create an as healthy and safe environment as possible for my child, simply put. I'll take all the advice and tips I can, just soak up all the information there is to get. And when in doubt, ask someone who knows. I've been listening to "Here with me" by Dido literally all day, and I keep interpreting the lyrics differently all the time. But mostly, I think it's about my longing for a child, especially when I hear the chorus. The second verse also fits in with that, but not really the first verse.

I heard that song for the first time many years ago, as it happens to be the intro song to the tv-series "Roswell" that I watched sometime during the end of the 1990's. It's older than that, I believe, but that was when I saw it. Roswell was the first thing that made me connect to my otherkinness, or how to phrase it. It was when I watched it that I felt a strong connection to the aliens that the show is all about, and I felt the alienation within me stronger than ever before. I knew I wasn't an alien, but the feeling of being different from the real humans felt similar somehow. I'm realising just now how hard this is for me to explain. But I felt alien among humans just like the alien teens did in Roswell.

It is a high school drama with a love story as focus, which is kinda boring, I know, but it had a lot of depth to it as well. Or so I though when
I was 8-10 years old or so. I tried re-watching it a couple of years ago but I couldn't really feel that connection to it anymore. Then I was mostly just annoyed by all the teenage drama and that the focus was too much on the main character which is a boring human, haha. Anyhow, I just found that song again early this morning when I clicked on Dido's name on Spotify and it was listed among her top songs. I didn't know it was that one when I clicked "play" but discovered it pretty soon. So, it's a lot of nostalgia for me, connected to that specific song by her. I didn't even look for it, it just sort of came to me.

I've been wondering, perhaps a bit silly, what songs I would play out loud for my child when I'm pregnant, if I can get pregnant even. What I would like for my child to hear from very early on. I know it doesn't have much effect on a baby when it's still in the womb, but I've heard around that playing music or singing could possibly, in theory, have a calming effect of some kind. Oh god I just can't contain myself over how much I long to be pregnant! I never, never thought I would actually look forward to such a thing.

Back in my past, all the way up until my mid 20's I was only disturbed by the thought of being pregnant. Repulsed even. Now it's like the greatest thing I can imagine. Well, next to actually having a child then of course. I do absolutely look forward to all the years after a lot more than the actual pregnancy. Just wanted to clarify that. But it's a difficult thing to grasp, like how does one in actuality look forward to a time span of over 20 years? Or like, the rest of my entire life? It's a concept too hard to grasp for me, cause I've always hated my life.

I'm not saying I'm gonna instantly love everything about being alive and I'm not saying that would be a requirement for me to want to live my life either. No actually the smallest bit of joy and love would bring enough meaning to my life for me to want to give it more than just one chance. I know hardship will most certainly come, having a child will absolutely not cure my fucked up mind or automatically fix my self hatred. That are things I will have to work on, and I've already started. I started some time ago to work on my self esteem and confidence, and I will continue working on a lot more of my problems as well. I just can't take everything at once.

I will try to find a decent psychologist in Uppsala and fucking fight to get one of those. Because yeah, Gotland was always better in that department but it's in Uppsala that I will actually, really need one. Here, I do like my psychologist, but I never once actually worked with any of my problems with her. I've mostly been story telling about my life and discussing random things. She's suggested help but I've declined and told her "I wasn't ready" when in fact I wasn't even interested. I didn't want her to abandon me because of my lack of interest to get better.

But now I do have such an interest, but I need to move first, get back home again. I feel as though only there I have a chance. I can't breathe here. I hate this place and I miss my home town. And when I say I want to start my life over I really mean it. Get myself into some kind of order, finally, for the first time ever. Yes, I did seek help as early as in 2005 for the first time, but I wasn't aiming at getting better.

Back then and through all the years that followed I was aiming at getting diagnoses and wallowing in my pride of being mentally ill. I glorified mental illness, and of course, self harm. With idols such as Berny Pålsson (Swedish writer, wrote two autobiographies about her tragic life as mentally ill and a drug addict) I did both suffer and thrive in my misery. I'm not thriving in it anymore, I want to get out of it. Not saying I want to lead a "normal" life, just a functioning life. A different life with different views on the so called reality, but without my malfunctioning brain constantly hindering me from the things I want to do.

It will of course always be a hinder, asperger doesn't go away with age or therapy, but I believe it can at least be managed, if I learn how to manage it. Get into that extremely boring thing called routines, take medication if necessary, go to some kind of therapy or counseling or whatever they can possibly offer upon death threat in Uppsala. And by "death threat" I just meant that I'll do (almost) whatever it takes to get the help that I need. Yeah, I know it will be hella stressful to get ready for pregnancy, be pregnant and then care for my child at the same time as I'll be working on my own brain as well. But... that's just how I roll.

I don't let things take "as long as they need to" because you know what? That will always happen anyway. Things take as long as they need to whether you plan it for happening quickly or slowly. Things don't care about your plans. So that's why I want to do everything at once, cause it's most likely gonna take forever anyway. I might have a very difficult time getting pregnant, especially if I can't get inseminated here in Sweden. Like hunting for good sperm can literally take years. I sure hope not, but I'm trying to be realistic. And I'll be so frustrated about it all like there's no tomorrow.

I just keep thinking though, that I remember my mother at some point told me she got pregnant with me really fast once she and my father had decided to have a child, and I just keep thinking that I hope it will be the same for me. I have no idea what so ever if such a thing has anything to do with genes at all or if it's entirely depending on other things. I have no idea, but it would be super nice if I could get pregnant quickly too. It's just something that sometimes pops up in my head these days.

By the way, I'm finally done cleaning my apartment now. It's not perfect but it's decent. It took me four whole days although I did very little on Monday. Now it's just the fun part left... keeping it nice and clean. I mean to take one or two days every week to touch things up, clean the dirty dishes and swipe the floors with a broom. Might like swab the floors and such more heavy cleaning a bit more seldom, like maybe once every other week or so. But hopefully the maintenance won't have to continue for too long, before it's time to start packing and leaving, I mean.

Oh god, I'm so not looking forward to the hysteric moving... Packing, transporting everything, unpacking, looking for apartments, change my address again and all that fun stuff. No, I just want to be able to clap my hands and I'm suddenly all settled and ready in a new apartment in Uppsala. But instead I have to go through all that fuzz. Yeah I'm dreading that a bit. Or a lot. But yeah, just suck it up and do it cause it's not gonna do it itself. Adulting... yeah it has its downsides and what not.

I hope I can find a fairly permanent place to live in in Uppsala, so that I can stay there for at least a few years. I realised I probably shouldn't even bother looking into getting another LSS apartment, cause I don't think they would approve. They've been wanting to kick me out of here cause things haven't exactly been working out and if I can't have an LSS apartment on Gotland, I probably won't be able to get one in Uppsala. There are other ways I could get help in my new apartment though, from other instances, so I won't really have to worry about being completely left on my own. It's just not as "top notch" as LSS or what to say, haha. But it would be better than nothing.

Actually I think I would feel relieved not living in an LSS apartment, like I would feel more free and not have my private sphere invaded constantly. And I've gotten better at remembering my medication too, I just thought of. I'll just try to leave my mother out of most of my thoughts on having a child for now. I don't think she would ever want me to have a child, and definitely not now-ish. And leaving out all of my moving plans, it's hard to talk about my child-having plans, as they do seem to tie together more and more.

I don't plan on keeping her in the dark forever, no certainly not, I just need to speak to my psychologist first. I want her advice on how to tackle this. No, not just want, I desperately need it. I'm trying to be patient, to wait for her to get well again as she's still sick as far as I know, but that patience is wearing thin. But, not much I can do about it, but to wait and see what happens. I have no more energy for today, I might write more but likely won't post it in that case.

I tried some of my new make-up as well, at least the eye shadow to contour with, and I must say it was difficult (okay impossible) to get it even when using it alone over my foundation and powder, but the colour is great. I will wait for that cream foundation to arrive before I try again, to use that as a base contour sort of and then use the eye shadow over that. I did not try out the false lashes cause it's kinda late and I don't want to accidentally glue my eyelids together cause I'm too tired to focus on what I'm doing.

But yeah, I'll leave you with these thoughts of mine for now, some new and some old ones. Oh by the way, don't know if you noticed or not, Y, but I left an answer sort of for you at the threshold, a couple of days ago or so. I think that's it for today, I've written a lot, been cleaning a lot and I guess I should be more tired than I am.