The prophecy

I started talking to my mother on the phone about it a little bit but I just felt in my entire being that I did not want to hassle with that right now. She just thinks I should be stable and have a job before having a child and I tried to tell her that I'm probably never gonna have a job. That doesn't mean that I can't have a child. I'll contact my endocrinologist by autumn by myself if I have to. I don't think she realises that the decision has already been made and there's nothing she can do to talk me out of it. Or even to push it further into the future. I want to live now, I can't be trapped in that horrible in between state wanting neither life nor death for a second longer than I have to.

If she thinks I could just keep postponing it she's so fucking wrong you have no idea. And I'm pissed at her trying to control my life. If that means I'll have to go behind her back then that's what I'll fucking do. I'll face every single fear I have in me, I'm not giving up before I've even started. My mother has too much power over me and I think that sometimes she's abusing that power. And the only way for me to take back some ounces of control over my life is to screw her opinions and go behind her back.

She can not control this decision that I've made. I know my fucking rights. And I'm not gonna wait for being more stable like a normal person is stable, because I'm disabled in a way that can't be cured and reaching such a degree of stability is never going to happen. Ever. I'll contact my endocrinologist, I'll call my doctor, I'll talk to the crew about if I could keep living here if I have a child as well. I'll fucking do this entirely by myself if I have to. That's how determined I am. No one can stop me now. No one.

I'm just so sick of everyone constantly trying to tell me what I should or shouldn't do. Well not literally everyone, but I'm pissed right now so I'm generalising. Maybe I should have just kept it to myself instead, given my mother the surprise of her life. Maybe that would have been better, I don't know. For me, I mean, I really don't give a damn what would be better for her or anyone else around me. But now I have to deal with her annoying opinions until it will be too late for me to "regret" my decision or take it back.

Oh sigh, no it doesn't help at all that I was tripping over my own words and that I wouldn't even be able to explain why I want a kid. Biology? I don't fucking know. I just know what I know and right now it's killing me. And I couldn't just tell her about my plans either. I didn't want more of her opinions. I feel like I've been suffocated by my mother all my life, over protected to the point of it being ridiculous. Just let me go! I don't care if I fall apart. I'm going to have a child and I'm going to move away from this island, from her, for good. Break the chains that hold me here.

I'm so fucking torn tonight. I just feel I want to break free from my mother's control and leave this entire island, I feel like tearing my apartment to pieces. I'm so miserable here, I hate this place. Maybe I never made any friends here on this island because I always kept in the back of my mind that I can't stay here. This was never meant to be permanent. I'll keep abusing my apartment by neglecting it, keep ignoring the crew until they evict me and then I take off towards Uppsala. Never in my life I'll be looking for apartments here if they evict me.

If I so have to do it all by myself for money I don't have (cause how the hell would I afford a moving company to transport all my stuff over to the main land if I'll have no one who could drive it there?) and with energy that I don't have either. Now I wonder what would most likely happen first: pregnancy or moving to the main land? I know I'll have to cut some ties with my mother and family if I'm gonna manage to break free from her. Not all ties, but I'd have to make it a lot more on my own. That's the penalty, a penalty I don't know if I could live with. Literally, it might not work out at all.

But I'm getting fucking desperate cause now it's gone too far. I'm not a child anymore, she can't keep me here and she can't decide whether or not I'll have a child of my own. It's not her decisions. I do feel it will come a day when I'll straight up tell her to please let me go, I can't live like this. And I don't fucking care if it turns out I can't make it on my own. If I'll die or anything on the main land, if I'll mess everything up because of the mess I am... it would still be worth it. It feels like the only thing I can do. I can't just sit here. I can't anymore. I have two choices: walk my own way, risk everything and be prepared to lose it all - or stay here and rot.

I guess that's life, huh? You either take some risks and you may lose everything you've got, or you do nothing and you won't win anything either. Now I just need to figure out how the hell I'm supposed to manage all of this. I've never done anything on my own, I've always had my mother's help with everything I've ever done in my life. Has she been living my life for me? It kinda feels that way. Everything from applying to different schools to driving me anywhere I needed to be, from calling people for me to moving me from one home to another.

Now it feels like I really should stand on my own feet whether I think the ground will be stable under me or not. The ice isn't thin cause there is no ice. I will have to learn how to walk on water. Sure it's been comfortable, always being able to lean on my mother and counting on her to constantly be there for me, but I feel it's time to let go of her grip now. Maybe not right this second, but I feel things are gonna change this spring. And oh damn if I had known this is what the prophecy was about...

Of course this is it. I'll spread my wings and I'll either fly or fall. Yes, I'm terrified, scared shitless of falling. But I know it needs to be done. I have to. This feeling in my gut tells me I finally figured it all out, what was awaiting me all along, but my rationality is still doubting. What if it's something else? Something bigger? Something smaller or just completely different? What if I'm right...?