Okay I was gonna write about this already the day before yesterday but other more important things got prioritised instead, and then I didn't know how to explain my confusing feelings either. Well, it sort of ties together with that a bit, about me possibly choosing life... I have for certain decided that I want to become a father sometime in the future. So that would be me choosing life, unless it won't work out, I guess. Always keeping death as an option if all else fails, you know. If it actually was an option, that is. I know I've had that wish and longing for having a child of my own for over 3 years now, and I'm as certain as I can be that that is what I truly want.
I guess few people spend 3 years pondering over if they should have a child or not in a possibly quite distant future. There's a lot I need to think about before I go ahead with it though. First of all, I don't even know if I can become pregnant, and then if I can, there's a lot of practical stuff that needs tending to and planning. Like I don't even know if they'd let me keep this apartment if I have a child, I don't know how I'd make it financially since I'm living on a minimum wage allowance, I don't know how to care for a child. Also, my parents would not be pleased if or when I decide to go for it, they don't really like kids and they certainly don't like getting more troubles and responsibilities.
Also I'm still single and don't really have anyone that could help me out except from my family. And I don't want to burden them with that. I want to be as independent as I possibly can be when it comes to this. Emotionally, I can't think of anything more wonderful (sort of) but practically I can't think of anything more difficult. To me, anything would be worth it, and I know I've thought about this topic in so very many angles over these past 3 years. Of course not every single angle cause I always stumble upon new ones and more obstacles that I would have to find solutions to.
I'm not exactly mentally well and healthy, but I don't know, I have been far worse than this. If I keep being this stable I'll have a better chance at making everything work out. Now I think none of this will happen before at least a year from now, possibly even longer. Cause even though I'm sure this is what I truly want, as I said, there's a lot that needs to be prepared. And I'll have to tell my mother... cause I can't just do everything behind her back and not say a single word before I'm already pregnant. That would be both impractical and immature. Also perhaps a bit stupid as well.
If you'd ask me right now, yes I would choose life and to stay alive if I did have a child. Then I'd want to be alive for my child and to see them growing up. And I did realise this as late as the day before yesterday and it's part of the reason as to why I'm feeling so confused about if I'd truly want to choose life or not. It's like, yes I want to live, but only if things will go my way. I don't know if I'm actually meant to become a parent or not in this life, that has never been clear to me, but I guess there's only one way to find out.
So yeah, I guess I really have something I want to do with my life now and well, I'm still a bit confused by what it all means. I guess my reasons for not wanting life, is that I simply don't want this life, how things are now and for it to be like this forever, but if I can change it to something better it might be worth a damn try at least. I'm so excited about it I think I've entered another period of not being able to stop thinking about it. The thoughts are so nice and soothing, comforting and lovely. So I don't mind obsessing a little bit about it though.
But yeah, all that I said about me being scared of getting more responsibilities and becoming more independent, is definitely clashing with this. I'm like "holy crap, how am I possibly gonna make it?" and there's yet another conflict within me. But then, my will power is usually stronger than my fears, so who knows? That's also why I need to give it more time and a whole lot of planning. I don't even know where to begin, or how. But yeah, it's something that I have, that I can look forward to. Something that always brings a smile to my lips, and a bit of anxiety, cause damn.
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