I won't fear love

I dreamed so much weird shit again. Among other things a cat that my family had that passed away some amount of years ago, who was named "Putte" was in several of those dreams. Then I dreamed about Ken dolls that looked like David Bowie. Then I got inspired to make tiny statues/statuettes or what the fuck they're called... figurines! yes, that, in clay. But I don't know. I have been kinda interested in re-making some of my old barbie dolls into WoW characters but never quite figured out how. I have some clay that you heat in a regular oven that I thought I could use to make like spare body parts of. Like hoofed legs and horns for a draenei or long ears for a blood- or night elf. But then how to somehow fasten those spare body parts onto the original doll I never quite figured out.

I used to make my own clothes for those dolls when I was in my early teens and perhaps a bit younger too. Yeah, I totally played with Barbies well up into my teens. No shame there, I feel no need to hide that fact about myself. I just didn't care much that other people thought I was too old for such toys. I did continue to buy them, as late as into my early 20's, but I stopped actually playing with them somewhere in my mid teens as it started to bore me.

Thinking about this of course brings me back to the topic on children, and I wonder if my future child, no matter what gender they will be, would have any interest in being given some of my old toys. I don't have all that much left from my childhood, as most of it was terribly damaged beyond recognition (I have some examples of that still with me too though) but what I do have is mainly barbie- and ken dolls and plastic horses, all in very varying conditions. "Girl toys" or whatever. Haha, couldn't care less, but for your information I did play with toy cars and lego as well. I used to collect finer looking plastic horses in my mid teens to have as figurines, and I also re-made some of my less horrid looking ones to look even better.

So I mean I do have a little that I could quite possibly give to my future child, if they would be interested in that at all. I mean, it's not exactly the 1990's anymore, what do I know about what kind of toys children would be interested in by the time I have one of my own? Poor kid though, would not be bragging to other kids their age about the fancy computers and cellphones they'd most likely would want to have, as I would likely be terribly broke and not be able to afford anything fancy at all.

And I wouldn't want to spoil them either. I'm thankful to have had such a good upbringing as I had, so I'll likely take a lot of how I was raised by my own parents and do kind of the same with my kid. Just a few changes here and there, and try to keep up with the times we live in, to try and make it even better for my kid. Like, I really missed a few things in my own upbringing, like that my parents never really told me that they loved me or that I was beautiful/handsome or anything such. I would tell my kid how pretty they are and how much I love them all the time. But perhaps not so much in front of their friends, cause I wouldn't want to be too embarrassing for them.

I know it's something that can't be completely avoided, kids will always find their parents embarrassing at one point or several as they grow up, but I would try to not be, you know? Oh, and I'll also let my kid have friends over to our home a tad bit more than my parents let me. I know I suck at cleaning and keeping an apartment nice and not so damn messy but I guess I'll just have to put more effort into at least not letting it become a health hazard. I don't know if I'd be able to get any such help with a family of my own, but I'm thinking if not regular/standard LSS there should be something else that could be arranged? I'll look into that at some point.

And I'm thinking I should mention my having-a-child-thoughts to my psychologist and see what her thoughts on the topic could be. (That's what I hinted at on tumblr.) If she'll think it's a lovely idea or absolutely outrageous. She'll probably also think that I should have a partner of some kind before, but I'd just tell her that I can't just pick a random partner and have a child with them. And I can't wait forever either as I don't know what the male hormones are doing to my body and I'm not getting any younger.

I know my age is most likely not a concern just yet, I mean I'm just 26, but yeah I don't know. Also I wouldn't want to be an old man by the time my kid reaches their teens. I was mad at my parents for being too damn old and fragile to play with me when I was a kid. Now I won't be that much younger myself as my parents were 30 when they got me and I'll likely be somewhere around 30 as well when it's my time. Hopefully a little bit younger though, like maybe 28 or 29 perhaps wouldn't be completely unreasonable?

One more thing that I started thinking about sometime yesterday, is that I still haven't got a driver's license and that might become problematic when I have a child. Like I'd need to be able to drive them to places when there aren't any buses (like there never is on this damn island). Anything from just driving them to or from a friend's house to driving them to a hospital or what not. I don't even want to rely on my mother to drive my kid around like crazy. So, hopefully I'll be able to get a driver's license not too long from now.

Damn, having all these future planning thoughts is making my head spin. Have I really decided? Am I really gonna go for it? Hell yeah! Okay, I just did some googling about insemination here in Sweden and also about transmen regarding that topic. Apparently, from April 1st 2016 it will be legal for single women to get inseminated in Sweden. Like they don't have to have a partner. So that's good. Then I found an article about how that should include transmen but perhaps it doesn't.

So basically... if I have all the luck in the entire world I could perhaps possibly get inseminated legally here in Sweden, but... being a tad more realistic, I say I'll most likely either have to go to another country (I know Denmark is an option when it comes to this) but it might also be hella expensive... or just find another solution altogether. I so happen to have an acquaintance who did go to Denmark for insemination (but ended up finding a partner instead) and he might know something about it that google can't find for me.

I'm not all that close to him though, friendship wise, so I would be careful with asking what could be too private questions. But yeah, that's how I know about that option. I might fight for this, my right to get inseminated if that's what I truly want, but then it might be a fight I wouldn't stand a chance against, being kinda mentally ill and all. I mean, I guess it would have been different if I was 100% healthy body and mind, had a stable job with a decent income and didn't live in a special service apartment.

But people can always find ways to become pregnant, I might go for a simpler solution if that thing about insemination would be just a tad too much to deal with. Like I don't know, find a trustworthy enough friend who doesn't have any std's and whom I could come to that kind of agreement with, is probably my plan B. But yeah, first try to find out more about my plan A and see if I can work it out. At least give it a try. But it wouldn't exactly be tomorrow, haha no. First of all I have to find out that about keeping my apartment, my income, telling my mother and going off testosterone.

Sooo... if I start in a new school class next term which I might, I might not make it in that new class very long. Cause I'll be busy trying to prepare myself and my life for having a baby. I'm pretty sure I have an appointment with my psychologist now on Friday so I'll talk to her about it then, is my plan, and I'm guessing that will be my first step. Then talk to my mother about it and hear her trying to talk me out of it for days, or weeks. Or months. Until she hopefully finally caves in and tells me it's my own decision in the end. Then book an appointment with my endocrinologist to discuss it further and stopping testosterone.

Damn I didn't get much done today. I went to school, then went home, had a looong nap, trimmed my sidecut, washed my hair, washed off my make-up, played some WoW and wrote all this shit. Sarah McLachlan sings "I won't fear love" and somehow it seems to fit so well into my thoughts right now. That's from her song called "Fumbling towards ecstasy" and it's sometimes on repeat in my headphones and sometimes not. Right now it is though.

Yeah, that poem I just wrote was mostly about this topic but also about facing my fears and maybe choosing life. I am still confused but that was me just expressing one side of my thoughts and feelings. Now it's 3 am and I should be in bed. Again. But I have all this energy that came out of nowhere as I kinda power leveled a WoW character from level 8 to 20 in one go just now. I was gonna bleach the roots to my fringe but then time slipped away and now it's too late. Maybe another time then. I'll keep wearing the dread wig for at least the week out anyway so then it doesn't matter what my real hair looks like.

The thing is that all the attention I get for my hair, clothes and make-up is making me really uncomfortable and part of me just wants to dress down again and hide. This "trying to be more myself" kinda thing just isn't working out so well. And nope, it doesn't at all help that that asshat in my school class is just hating me more and more the more I alter and fix with my looks. Anyways, I've written more than enough, gotta try and force myself to sleep now.