Looking forward

I was just thinking, that if I'm interested in looking for another LSS apartment in Uppsala, I need to know if I'd be allowed to live in such a place with a child. Oh, I just found some information in a pdf file via google. It mostly mentioned parents with various brain damages or how the fuck to say it, but also mentioned autism spectrum stuff like what I'm dealing with, and apparently it's rare such people have children and it seems they're having difficulty helping such families but that they're trying, or something like that. So there is apparently some help to get even when I'll have my child. If I even could get help from LSS anymore.

I mean, I haven't exactly done my part here, or what to say. They might not approve it if I seek that sort of resident in Uppsala. It's actually kinda likely that they won't. But I'm not so worried about that, I'd just go for a normal apartment instead then. I was thinking an at least 2 room one, at least 50-ish square metres if I'm gonna fit both myself and a child in it. Pets gotta be allowed for when I'll want to get cats as well. It doesn't have to be in the centre of the city, I don't mind a little bit of traveling by buses or trains to get to the city core, stores, friends or parties. I was thinking maybe in Gottsunda again, or possibly even as far out as Storvreta, which are both parts that more or less belong to the city.

So I do know a bit what I should be looking for at least. But I know finding such an apartment won't be just as easy. So... maybe I shouldn't even bother with finding out some education for me this fall? If I won't even live here anymore, I mean. I don't know if moving can happen that soon but I really hope so. I won't apply for any school in Uppsala first thing I do, cause I'll be too busy getting pregnant anyways. No I actually don't intend to study or anything for quite some time after moving. I'd be perfectly happy being a single, stay at home parent and be 110% busy with my child.

Probably won't be that much wild partying either, haha. Maybe like some calm partying without alcohol and cigarettes and passive smoking during the first few months of the pregnancy and before, but that's about it. Otherwise I'd aim for calm fika with friends out in some nice cafe or something. They'd gotta be understanding that drinking and smoking and being wild in general is not gonna be an option for me in the future. Maybe I'll "force" my best friend to go baby clothes and items shopping at some point as well. I'd so vote for that.

Oh how I'd just looove bringing up my child in my home town! I know my best friend is having similar thoughts as well, that she'd want children at some point in the future too. So I don't know, I'm kinda hoping for her supporting me with this. That even if she won't be able to help out so much with the practical stuff, she could at least be an emotional support. Cause she's always so busy, I mean. But I don't know, things might be different when I'll finally be living there again.

I can't wait to restart my life all over again. For the millionth time, but this time it's gonna be for real. I could never restart my life here on Gotland. I need to go back home to Uppsala again. I feel like... only there I have a chance. Then I'm gonna start adulting for real. In my own way. Catch up with my friends there, get the apartment in order, start my own little family, maybe even try to get a book or two published, cause I'm sensing money will definitely become an issue haha. No but really, it would be nice if I could get published too.

I won't even have to come out as trans here on Gotland. What a relief. I'll just leave this hellhole behind me and go to my favourite hellhole instead. There everyone already knows. So I'll keep being out there. I think that's my decision about that, to be out as trans in Uppsala and I think that could also maybe in a small scale make the pregnancy easier too. If people know, I mean. Oh, and if I could get a book or two published and get some cash for that, it would be neat if it's enough money to afford a driver's license too.

There, my whole future all planned out, haha. And here's to hoping I won't crash and burn before it's even started... And oh, when I do get back to Uppsala, I might like, I don't know, try to get closer to my friend that I talked about before, he who had a child. Because then it wouldn't be so awkward I hope. Not my reason to move there, ahaha, nope just a bonus in that case.

Yeah, I long for Uppsala and all the adventures awaiting me there. I think I've been half dead long enough on this island now. Never in my life I'll move back here again, not if I'd so have to live on the streets in Uppsala. Well maybe not, cause if I have a child to take care of as well, you know, then living on the streets isn't an option. But just... let's hope I won't ever have to move back here. I think it would kill my spirit so bad.

I just feel... either I'll stay and give up on life again, or I'll move and give life a chance again. I just can't live here. Can barely even survive here. If I can't make my mother understand that... then fuck her and fuck her opinions. But I think she will cave in and eventually help me move, cause I know she knows I won't be able to do it myself. Like I would try, then fail and continue trying and failing until she just comes in and saves the situation.

I'll be sure to tell her, when it's time, that if she won't help me I'm gonna do it myself, ask for help from my friends in Uppsala, do whatever it fucking takes. I should start taking a supplement for folic acid, 400 mg/day. Apparently that's good to take at least 3 months before pregnancy for reasons I have forgotten. Ahaha, I seriously watched a video about it not even a minute ago.

I just remembered I spent so long trying to convince myself that I'd be better off without ever having a child. Or well, at least for a year up until quite recently. I just thought that it would be for the best if I never even attempted it, or if I just got sterilised so that I couldn't attempt it. How sad isn't that?

I'm thinking I'm gonna do everything at once. I just have a strong sensation that that's the only way to do it. Hopefully start moving and everything soon after my visit to Uppsala this spring, like during the summer then. And I know it won't be done by fall but I still want to go off testosterone right around that time. I keep watching videos about all things related to pregnancy and please do correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think I've completely forgotten anything extremely important? I should write a check list or something to see when or if I manage to do everything that needs to be done before... well, yeah.

Also I should perhaps write them down in priority order, like stopping testosterone and quit smoking should probably be at the top. And I mean, even though I'm drinking now, I think stop drinking alcohol would be one of the easiest things. That usually tends to work with just a normal amount of determination and will power. Although, not a glass for 9 months and some time before might get tricky. I don't know. I'll let you know if it, or anything else, gets tricky or easier than I thought and what not.

I would want to keep you, anyone reading this, and facebook at least, updated throughout everything. And I mean everything. Though, maybe I won't share gross or very TMI things on facebook, but I'm never really worried about that here on this blog. You'll get all the gross and TMI details reading here in the future, and all the rest, I can assure you. I wouldn't be able to shut up.

Oh god, I'm looking forward to it so much. I honestly never thought I could like... really burn for something in life, you know? Maybe that was a bit Swenglish, but you know, really aim and want to go for something in life. I just feel like I've never had something so big and important impacting me before.

I'm so tired and bored right now. I managed the whole day without naps, but just barely. Won't be up much longer now, so yeah. I'll just leave you with this for now.