Then after I had actually had the surgery I was almost regretting that choice of technique. I thought "fuck now I'm stuck with two obvious scars that screams how trans I am" and wished I had chosen the other method instead. When I first started thinking about top surgery I was certain I was gonna go with the peri areolar technique as I had a large A-cup and they were firm at that time.
But, after 5 years of binding and just time also probably being a factor in itself, they got a little saggy and they also got bigger from the birth control pills that I took when I was 18-19. And I started realising how hard it would be to get a good enough result from that method with what I had. It became more important that I got a nice, flat chest instead of a scar free chest. Now, I can never have my dream chest, completely scar free and masculine looking.
I do feel a bit sad and frustrated about that fact, but I also have more important things to whine about. My chest is very flat (although still a little tiny bulgy in the middle which I think is only something that I notice) my nipples look great and my scars are fading. I'm still not that fond of those scars but they bother me less and less. Cause maybe I don't care if people figure out that I'm trans because of them? It's better than some of the horrible results of peri areaolar that I have seen that I could have gotten instead.
And I do also go back to my old thoughts about the scars. I was scarred already. Thin white lines cover my entire body after years upon years of self harm. Even on my chest, because I hated my boobs so much. Those scars are still there, unevenly crossing my nipples and it does look a little weird. I do however like all my self harm scars, so why can't I like my surgical scars?
Maybe it just takes time, getting used to it, you know. I'm already far more used to how it looks now compared to right after the surgery. I never once regretted having my boobs removed, but it has been taking some getting used to. When I first saw the result in the shower at home, about a week post op, I nearly damn fainted.
Yeah... I'm a little weak at heart. And I've never had surgery before. I had tried to visualise what it could look like before I had that surgery, but it still couldn't prepare me for the actual result. And it was difficult getting used to being shirtless out in public last summer, the first summer post op. My scars glowed purple and I remember that I tried to cover them with make-up, haha.
It did give me a freeing sensation and that it was more than right, but it was like... I don't know how to explain it. Like I was doing something wrong by being shirtless outside when it was incredibly hot weather. I'm male, I'm not very overweight and I don't have boobs anymore. It shouldn't feel like I'm doing something wrong, but it does. I've been afraid to admit that.
It's a feeling I've been trying to shake off. Among my family my sister is the only one who's seen my new chest, last summer when we went swimming in the lake near my family's house. Or I swam and she read a book on the beach. I was wearing only swim shorts for the first time post op and it gave me that feeling, that I did something wrong, but it was also amazing.
I hope I will feel better this summer. I'm actually worried what my father would say if he saw me shirtless in public. And my mother too, for that matter. She's said that some men just aren't comfortable being topless and I don't know for sure, but I think she hinted at me to keep my shirts on.
And I think my father is either gonna be jealous that I can do it, but he's too uncomfortable being shirtless himself. Or he would react negatively because I know he still sees me as a girl. A bearded and flat chested girl with a deep voice who's name is John... well, I've never claimed to understand my father, but there is a Swedish saying about that it's hard to teach old dogs to sit.
Well, it's gonna happen sooner or later, when I'm hanging at my family's place a very hot summer's day. If it's just the 4 of us, why would it be embarrassing? But they're probably gonna ask if I do that out in the public too, to which I'd have to say yes. Somehow, their opinions colour mine. That it's wrong of me and I'm being an embarrassment.
I wish it wasn't so, I wish I could just be confident about it and comfortable with it. But I think, or hope, that I'll get more so in time. Maybe, just maybe, I can get into working out and becoming a little muscular, which could increase my confidence a notch or two.
But anyway, in my mind, I didn't really have to choose between two surgery techniques, I only had one option that would fit with how my body looked before the operation. And what I really have to come to terms with, is that the B-cups I had made that option, not me. I would not have had the patience to do several operations to get my chest even over time with the other method. I had waited for 5 years and 5 years too many to have my mastectomy, I had to go with the quick fix because I could not wait any longer.
My impatience was very valid and I don't regret having it done with the double incision technique. Anyway, I've been ranting this enough now, I think, and here's a few very delayed 1 year post op pictures which are actually taken today, 13 months post op. As you can see the scars are not that visible anymore, they slowly blend in with the colour of my skin. They are uneven because of how the stitches were placed. My areolae are still a little dark and my tattoo still looks awesome. I've had that one for 8 years in September.
As I've already posted an update on how my chest is doing one year post op I won't mention all that again now. No, this entry is mainly about why I ended up choosing that specific operation technique and how I feel about the result in general.
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