I'm trying to watch another quite horrible transguy documentary, as they keep misgendering him and viewing him as a freak of nature, almost. I would never have a documentary made about myself. Never. No matter how interesting my life might be for the public eye. In that case they can make one when I'm dead, cause that I somehow wouldn't mind.
I don't know, the whole media representation of transsexualism is disgusting to me. It's always been, and it's partially what made it harder for me to eventually come out for the first time, about the time I was 19 years old. Cause the media representation that I found when my first thoughts started coming when I was 15 was horrible.
It was only information about transgirls that I could find and it was always this "she used to be a man" or "look at what gross things he did to his body" when referring to a transgirl. It's just disgusting and awful. And that was what I was exposed to and probably what made me reconsider, to try and live as a girl instead of embracing myself and my true gender identity.
Society is so fucked up. Like what the hell?! I still sometimes get reminded of all the young transgender people who have killed themselves recently. Especially a transgirl named Leelah Alcorn (and of course the media used her male birth name, but I have actually, completely honestly, forgotten what that was now.)
She was all over tumblr and I tried to not be bothered by it, but it's just awful and she posted her suicide letter on tumblr. In it she said to fix the society. She killed herself because her family could not accept that she was trans. I think she was 16 or 17 years old, though I might remember her age incorrectly, but something around that.
Anyway, my point is that society is still so very fucked up when it comes to transgender people and how we are being treated. The laws that strap us down, cisgender people not accepting us, hate, discrimination, violence, murder, sexual assault, suicide. The list is too damn long. Also, specifically transgender women of colour have been murdered left to right lately. I honestly have no idea what's going on.
And that makes me almost even angrier because that involves racism too. I really hate racism, it just makes me so fucking angry. Like I have a classmate who is not white and she opened up about being called racist slurs by a teacher when she was a kid. I could almost not contain myself when she said that. I don't know why I almost react stronger to racism, but possibly cause I hate being white privilege myself.
It's stupid and I shouldn't dislike myself for being white. It's just as unimportant/important as any other skin colour. But I do hate that I am privileged in a way that makes some people look down on me. I hate that somehow my opinion matter less because I have that privilege. It's hard to explain, I come to realise.
But lately, I have become more aware of my privilege. As a mentally disabled, gay transgender person, I do have a lot of things going well for me. I have access to allowance, transgender care such as hormones and surgeries, I'm white and I'm male, I live in a country that tolerates my kind of people and I've never had a real reason to fear for my life. I'm middle class (brought up that way, at least) and I've never gotten in any kind of trouble for liking people of the same gender.
A lot of things are good. And I try to embrace that, somehow. Almost all of my problems are mental and has little to do with society. I'm a burden to it though. I am health care resources, living on allowance full time and I can't take care of myself. I'm not independent or smart enough to get a cool job. I am also lazy and selfish. I take up space but do nothing useful with it.
I don't often feel bad about being a burden to society, but more often I feel bad about society being a burden to me. Cause I'm also (kind of) a human being and should be treated as one. Transgender people have right too. Gay people have rights too. Crazy people have rights too. Because underneath all that I am an actual person and society has a knack for forgetting that kind of thing.
I'm not just pills in a bottle, a hospital patient, someone cared under LSS or a guy with girl parts. I'm a person and society just doesn't treat me that way. But I can say fuck society because I am that privileged. I can and do most often choose to turn off the outside world and stay inside my own cozy yet scary little world.
I mostly only blog about myself and that's what this blog really is about, but I just wanted to tell you that despite being too stuck up in my own little world, I do care. I just can't handle it. I have enough going on already in my life, I just can't worry about the lives of others too. Except from K, my best friends (to a certain degree), my family (also to a certain degree) and occasional other friends.
But the world at large? Not a chance, it would be too much. It was too much. Cause as I grew up in my teenage years, I was told to start opening my eyes to see the world outside too, and I tried that for a while, a good amount of years or so, but then my own reality caught up with me and the only way I could sort it was to shut out the real reality.
Then I forgot to care. Reality left me too. I was no longer holding on to it as I realised that there's no place for me in it. I just don't belong in the real reality, in your reality. In the reality where transgendered and people of colour get murdered or end their own lives. In the reality where women get attacked and brutalised, where men get killed by cops for no reason, where sexual assault and child molestation is more than just common, where war and total destruction is.
I have no place in it because I can't react to it right or because I don't react at all. I made a choice and your reality is just not where I want to live. No, I'm not touching the suicide topic again, just the isolation topic, I think. Okay, getting too tired to write, so I guess I'll just post this then.
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