Numb and empty

I don't know how I can stand it, but somehow I can. Them being cute with each other on tumblr and facebook, this pain inside me that keeps on growing but mostly it just makes me feel more hollow and empty. I still haven't told anyone, but I'll tell my psychologist on Friday.

I'll let myself break down then. I remember, vaguely, how heartbroken I felt when those two had gotten engaged briefly back a while ago. I think it was sometime during the autumn of 2013, but I could be mistaken.

And I've been breaking apart more when I thought they were back together but weren't, than I am right now when they actually are back together. I just feel numb, I can't feel much at all. Time passes and I just let it pass. I write suicidal poems but can't figure out if I actually want to die or not. Perhaps I shouldn't figure that out.

I really do equal heartbreak with suicide, it's the most awful thing I've ever felt. Worse than seeing a loved one suffer, worse than abuse of any kind, even worse than complete hopelessness. I believe my own feelings will one day sooner or later literally be the end of me. They are so, so dangerous it's a fucking miracle that I'm still alive today.

I don't want them killing me, but what else will? Remembering K, in all the ways I can, is all I've got left now. Only the echoes of a beautiful friendship that could have maybe become something more. Now I'll never know. And it just kills me over and over, I have so many tears that I can't cry at all, so many screams inside me that can't get out. So many reasons to just end it all.

As I shift between wanting to end it all and wanting to survive this, I can't make up my mind on what to actually do. But if I get to look back at myself at this time of my life, I would probably think I'm already suicidal. Just look at my poems! But I don't feel suicidal, not really. Something makes me still holding on to life.

I just went and did some light drag. Put on eyeliner and black eye shadow and red lipstick. My blonde wig, silvery stockings and a pretty silvery glittery dress. I really like this dress, I bought it after I started my transition so it's got no negative vibes to it. I've never worn it in public. It's stretchy so it also lies flat on my chest and the collar is a little higher so it doesn't show half my chest. It's actually a great dress for a guy to wear.

I did it just to distract myself again. And it still drives me mad how I got from being one type of closet transgender to another. It's just not right. Never thought that once I started passing as a dude I would be afraid to show my ass in drag. I mean I literally lived in full time drag before. I wonder what has changed. I might wear this dress in public by summer time, I don't know.

I'm not wearing a bra with this, so it's just half dragging or something. Or it's not drag at all, it's just me dolling up with make-up, a wig and a dress. It's kind of a party look really. I don't know what I'm rambling about. Here's how I look by the way: