These overwhelming thoughts

I just smoke and drink coffee. All I've eaten today is chocolate and it wasn't even that much. I only slept one hour tonight and it's starting to wear me down. Cause I can just barely eat and sleep after that K got back together with his ex or rather since I got the news about it. I've forgotten how to function. Again. It's always something why does it have to be now?

I was getting too comfortable, wasn't I? Dared believing that he was over her only because that's how I interpreted it. Twisted his words to my liking or something. Anything to give me hope, the only hope I could get. And fuck you Satan, you said you would fix this. I trusted you, for christ's sake. What more have you lied to me about?

Never trust the god of lies, I should know, but yet I do, or maybe it's did now. Maybe it was about someone else all along. All I prayed for was for someone to love me as much as I love them, I didn't specify that it had to be K.

My prayers are so heartbreakingly sad and painful. They are said to save my life. And I know that Satan is the only god who can give me what I need. God above never did anything positive for me, I doubt he even cares. Other gods are either too specified in one area or belong to religions I don't find particularly appealing.

By the way, I do view God as male, because of how I perceive him. He's just a dick and a bastard and treats me and the whole world in a way that just appears overly masculine to me, in all the wrong ways men always treated what they perceive as lesser beings. Now that might sound like a strange formulation coming from someone who basically worships masculinity.

But I'm a feminist too and a socialist, I do see that there are quite huge faults in manliness sometimes. Maybe my words fail me now, I'm not saying "all men" or "not all men" for that matter. I don't know what I'm trying to say. I simply, without doubt, perceive God as male.

And just as simply, I do also perceive Satan as male as well. Perhaps it's just the apparition that I've seen of him, his deep and raspy voice in my ear, because persona wise he might as well be female to me. But it has struck me that maybe all gods are genderless and that gender is something for the mortals. Those that need to reproduce. Although, according to some mythology even gods sometimes reproduce. Okay, I'm going into too deep water here.

What I was saying, my prayers are well chosen and are made for saving my life. My first real prayer to Satan was when I was at the psychiatric ward in Visby first time around, over Midsummer 2013, I was seconds from another suicide attempt and prayed that he could fix my horrible catch 22 situation with the trans team in Huddinge, I could not live otherwise.

And just days after that they got a phone call at the ward saying that I would get my hormones and surgery literally as soon as possible because the papers from Uppsala had just magically arrived 6 months after they should have. I just know that it was Satan's work. I just know that he literally saved my life that day. And how ungrateful I feel now.

But I've had so many reasons to die, it's not only been that. Now my transition is almost over, but I'm still terribly unhappy. And I get angry when people think out loud that was it even worth it then? For crying out loud, I would never have turned 25 years old if it didn't happen. I would have continued to desperately trying to end my life until I had succeeded. I had no will to live, all my hopes were gone, I've never been and felt so lost in my entire life before or after then.

But as I said, the reasons have been so many. Apart from not getting to transition (the catch 22 was that they wanted me to be mentally stable in order to start transition and I could never become mentally stable without it) it has been Anna, Dala, my broken heart, everything just being generally too chaotic, nightmares, just giving up on ever getting happy, not wanting things to get even worse and so on.

My most common reasons have been Dala, Anna and my broken heart. Sometimes I've only been impulsive and just wanted "a good night's sleep and I don't care if it lasts forever" or most sadly, a desperate cry for help. I've learned that, over the years, if I don't try to kill myself often enough the psychiatry deems me not ill enough for their help. That... it's truly heartbreaking, isn't it?

Although it's gotten much better lately, my 10 years long relationship with the psychiatry. I no longer have to prove that I don't know how to live. They get that now, they get that I'm an emotional mess and I've been for a long time, if not forever. I just don't know any other way to live, than to constantly put myself in difficult and dangerous situations and then harming myself because of it.

I really don't think I've gotten that much solid help from the psychiatry over the years. Sadly, they've often made things worse by throwing me around between different doctors, shrinks and departments.

First off, in Östhammar it was only briefly, a few months at their only BUP department which is for underage people (I was 16 at the time), then in Uppsala it was BUP there, then something called Unga Vuxna (for young adults between ages 18 and 25), then the neuro psychiatric for adults (for asperger and such), then DBT (therapy) then to Visby where I continued DBT, then the neuro psychiatric there, then for eating disorders at the same time, and here we are now. Also, the trans team counts as a psychiatric department too, which I have forgotten the actual name of, so I just say "trans team". 

I've been in every department they have a name for except from that for psychotic people. That's the reality when you have several different diagnoses. I currently have asperger, borderline, transsexualism and eating disorder (ednos). Sometimes they like to put me in the category of mild to moderate depression, but I actually think that I have dysthymia.

They have thought I might have ADHD but I didn't get it when they tested me for asperger which should go into the same category, I think? And some idiots have thought I might not have asperger at all. Please, I'm a textbook example. In periods I've thought that I either have Schizophrenia or Dissociative Identity Disorder, but I keep proving and disproving it all the time.

And any fucker who says Anna might be a part of my asperger gets a fist in their face. I know asperger, it does NOT include a split personality. Nuff said. And what's up with people wanting to lump every single symptom I have into my asperger diagnosis?! I mean come on, seriously? Okay I do hang on to it, but that's only because without it my life would be beyond more terribly than it already is. I would not get allowance, I would not get to live under LSS. I need it simply to survive in this fucked up society.

I had this weird thing we did during school today, that we were supposed to fantasise about a possible future, ten years ahead of now. I was very vague and said my life basically hadn't changed much at all, because I'm certain I won't be around in ten years from now. I won't be around in two years from now, if my prophecy is right.

Excuse my terribly intense writing, I have to go and take Zyprexa and hope it helps cause I'm committing emotional suicide with my thoughts here. Perhaps that is fairly obvious cause I've been constantly rambling all of this for I don't know how many hours now.

There, I took 4 pills, it should bloody well do. Or I don't know what to do. I'll have to tell my doctor that they stopped working and ask for something stronger. I'm gonna have a doctor's appointment soon, probably in May (yeah, that is "soon" when it comes to doctors) mainly to discuss anti-psychotic drugs so then I can bring it up about Zyprexa not working as an anxiolytic anymore.

I really think I will walk out of that appointment empty handed, I don't think there are any anti-psychotic drugs that doesn't have the weight gain side effect and I refuse to take anything that has it. I'd rather be having Anna's annoying presence by my side for the rest of my miserable life then. It's been like this for 17 years, what's really the harm? I don't know what to expect really. But now, I really need to get back my my drawing.