Spilling ink

So, I just figured I'd give you a bit of an update, seeing as I keep disappearing from the internet all the time and then needing to explain my behaviour. I don't know exactly where I go when I'm offline. I disappear into other worlds instead. Into WoW, drawing, movies, music, Grimston Estate or some other imaginary world that I create in my mind.

It can truly be a blessing, having my writing that lets me create entire universes better or worse or just different from reality. The only reality that is considered a real world, although I don't quite believe in that. I believe there is more to reality than the material world that I see on the news or outside of my window.

I never liked that reality, the one I've spent most time in, after all. All I see is awfulness and not even nature, not even the true beauty of nature, can inspire me. To life, to art, or to anything. Other fictional worlds inspire me, and the world inside my mind. Yes, there is what I can call a specific world in there, from which every imaginary world I've made come from. It all originates from something.

In that world I am the ruler, the god or the king, however you'd put it. And Anna would be my twisted idea of a queen or goddess. Sometimes there have been other people visiting, like Frank, Satan and Vargyl. There are basically no rules to follow, and if there are, they constantly change. I want to tattoo the text "My world, my rules" in blood spatter across my chest one day, and it refers to the world inside my head, but also in a way the one within my apartment, and also a little how I perceive your reality and a tiny bit referring to my anarchism.

It's also taken from the movie "The Cell" which has a special meaning to me as well. Carl Starger's world reminds me of my own, although, his might be even slightly darker than mine. Like, he's a king in a twisted kingdom there, and he has this voice, like a god above him, who says "Me God, boy" and somehow that reminds me of Anna.

Although, I'm not a serial killer and I don't have an invented form of Schizophrenia (to my knowledge, that is), but we do have a few things in common here and there throughout the movie. So, also that tattoo would be tribute to that movie, because I find it to be a great master piece just packed with an imagination that I wish I had myself. The idea about the blood spatter doesn't have much to do with the movie though. It's just me, loving (human) blood and I think it would look awesome.

First, I just wanted to wait until after I had my mastectomy before having that tattoo done there (it would be above my scars and nipples, so not in purpose of actually hiding my scars, but perhaps to draw attention away from them) but then money has always been an issue too. If I find a decent tattoo artist my guess is it would probably cost somewhere around 5000 kronor. Or anything from 3000 to 7000. I don't know, but it's a lot of money.

And also I'm a bit scared of misspelling the words, haha. I'm not the most picky language police you can find among language nerds, but I am picky about it being right when it comes to my future tattoos. For obvious reasons, perhaps. And I'm still haunted by the thought of maybe wanting to tattoo K's name like on my hip or somewhere not so visible. Only for myself, it wouldn't even show if I so only wore swimwear during summer.

I try to reason with myself, of how stupid it would be to have his name on my body for literally the rest of my life. I don't even know why I want it. But when it comes to tattoos, I am in fact fairly laid back about it. I mean, the dragon I have now did not become perfect, it's simple and I did it when I was 18 years old, and I still love it like madly. I don't think I would regret a few mishaps here and there, or getting a small tattoo with his name on my hip, why would I even regret that?

Maybe that's what's haunting me, thinking that I wouldn't regret it no matter what. Only one thing... if K himself saw it and would be repulsed by it. I would need to get his permission or something. I mean, I would probably be a bit offended if someone who's in love with me that I didn't love back would just suddenly get a tattoo with my name on their body. Like, we're not dating?! But how can I know that K would react negatively when I really don't know?

For crying out loud, he doesn't even know that I'm in love with him... although, mentioning that would probably give it away quite easily. That would be the kind of tattoo I could afford though, would likely not even cost more than a few hundred, tops. And the artist would not have to be super skilled either, just fairly good with words/letters, sober and able to do straight lines, basically. I'll think about it some more...

I mean, I wouldn't do it if he'd be uncomfortable with it, it's not that important to me. It just haunts me, that's all. Anyway... I've forgotten what I wanted to say.

But I'm back online again for at least another week or two before I go back to my family to celebrate my birthday somehow. I'll be turning 26 and I have no idea how that happened. Already pushing 30 but I don't feel like I'm old at all, physically. Maybe cause I still look like I'm 18 or something. Mentally, I'm still 45, but more about that another time.