Waking up to this

And I keep reblogging both their posts on tumblr to not let them know that my heart is breaking because of them. It's raining today and I have to go buy cigarettes. I don't know what to wear.

I missed school today unintentionally, I was too tired and something was wrong with my left eye, it wouldn't open properly but since it's better now I guess it wasn't an infection although it felt like it.

Waking up to Spotify being a bitch and screaming at my computer. Yeah, that's nice. And I think it tore something up inside me like another tiny hole in my soul. It's so fragile, like cotton candy.

All my pens lying on display on my desk are so inviting to draw but I'm too fucked up to be able to focus on that. So much pain inside will it ever get better?

And I have to take out the garbage it's piling up everywhere and I have to take care of the dirty dishes but my fate is unkind and I cannot find any peace. And my hair looks like David Bowie's did during his thin white duke era but I still want it lighter. On Sunday or Monday I'll go at it again and turn my orange hair into something closer to snow.

I listen to Alice Cooper again and I just love his sad songs about love and heartbreak such as "Die for you" and "Might as well be on Mars" and "Hell is living without you" and "Killed by love".

Some random guy tries to hook up with me on Skype or I don't know exactly what he wants but seems to be trying to fool me with a very shady money offer does he think I'm that stupid? I thought it was K sending me a message so my heart jumped all the way up to my throat but it was just another false alarm.

I try not to focus on my heart, but it makes me feel so hollow. Maybe my sudden burst of anger just recently hollowed me out too. Yes, it usually does that kind of thing. Hardly making it better, only worse, only worse. My mother seemed to notice something was up with me on the phone yesterday but I blatantly lied to not have to talk about it. I don't want her thinking I'll do something stupid.

Should I take more pills? Cause I'm breaking apart. What good do they actually do? I try to see the positive about there being two different people in love with the same guy, but how can I when she gets to be with him and I don't? My heart is breaking and I don't care about celebrating my birthday with my family this upcoming weekend. I just don't care. I'm just meant to suffer, I truly believe that I'm literally meant to suffer.