Nostalgia

The night stretches over me as everything sets in motion again. It took more time today, but it always happens. As my thought immediately wanders to K and everything that is him, I try to not dwell too deeply on them. My thoughts regarding a way he identifies, and a significant conversation about it that took place during our first meeting in person, in October 2013. We had met before then, but only briefly, I don't remember which week or even which year.

The words he said still echo in my mind. I think it was our most intense meeting. I was so nervous meeting him as I was already in love. Not only my knees were weak, my whole body was. I was quivering in his presence, yet I was so bold, flirting with him whenever his girlfriend wasn't around. Those that are back together now. My heart was all over the place and I listened to every word he said, refused to forget it when I returned to my best friends' apartment the next day.

I spent the night at his place, or their place, on a very uncomfortable collapsible sofa. There was another person crashing there too, but I got the best and first place. I was their guest of honour, almost. And me and K, we talked literally all night, until we went to sleep sometime around 7:00 am.

It must have been one of the best nights of my entire life, even with having to deal with seeing those two snogging half the time. Oh how I wished I was in his partner's place. I still do. Nothing has changed, but everything has changed. Back then I was aware of how unreachable he was but I still kept on hoping that they would break up and he would find me.

Then it happened. They did break up and in a way, he did find me. We talked almost every day for months. And now... it's been over 2 months since last we talked and they're back together since two weeks ago. I'm shattering in places I didn't know that I could shatter.

I'm so fragile, you know. All those times I've wished I could just move on and continue my life without desperately trying to end it, with all hopes gone and no reason to live. And I'm back there again. I'm back and I can't even describe how awful I feel half the time. The other half I'm just empty.

I woke up late today, so maybe that's why my true feelings didn't hit me until the early morning hours. I have so many playlists on Spotify, close to or beyond 200 and one of them is completely dedicated to K. I keep it private so that it won't show up on facebook when I'm listening to it. In it are songs that he sent to me, or shared on facebook or tumblr. Just a few are songs that I think remind me of him. I call it "Can't let go".

I should go to bed and stop feeling this way, but I know that I can't escape it. I will feel again tomorrow and the next and so on until I don't know what happens. This is all I ever feel. Heartbreak and despair or complete emptiness. There is no in between and no other kinds of emotions. I linger on the brink of existence and my heart is dying. My soul yearns to go back home to Dala and my mind is a mess.

Even if I can't go home to Dala, death is still alluring to me when I feel. I feel nostalgic today, in a bitter and sad way. I can only form smiles in grins and my eyes form a gazeless stare. I listen to "Death announcements and funerals" by Icelandic Sigur Ros and think about the first picture of K that I saved on my computer, May 31st 2013. It's almost been 2 years to the date and I lost my heart for love I couldn't have for the 10th time.

I look back at the positive things we had, the wonderful connection we had. Briefly, only briefly, and I wonder if it's something I've done or didn't do that made us lose that connection. What made him toss me away. Was I not at least a good friend? I was nothing but supportive, caring (although not like the way I wrote about before) and I only wanted him to be happy. And to be by his side.

And although it hurts in ways I simply cannot describe (not even sure I want to) I still do only want him to be happy, most and foremost. But I can't stand the thought of him succeeding to be happy in my absence. Did I drag him down? I only wanted to be open with him about my tragic life cause it's the only life I have. I just wanted to share every possible moment with him. Did I scare him away?

So many questions and they all hang loose. From fragile strings, breaking at touch like cobweb. It feels like I'm mourning, in grief for a loss of something that I never had. Not with him, not with anyone else. I just wanted it to be him, that he was my number one, that he and I would fnd a fairytale ending. But reality... oh damn reality why do you always have to ruin everything? I'm so sick and tired of you. I want to escape reality completely, create my own little world and completely drown in it. Look outside no more, breathe no more.

Where nothing can hurt me, where I can't hurt myself. Where love doesn't exist, or if a relationship with an imaginary person could hold. They never do, I've learned that now. Because it's basically a relationship with myself and I'm inadequate, hopeless and I hate myself. So it's pointless.

It's 1:47 and I don't want to breathe. I'll most likely continue drawing, just to keep these thought off of me. I'm drawing a few bird people, hands and vultures. My first attempt at drawing birds with promarkers and I think it's going fairly well. I'll upload it somewhere when it's done. Might be today, or maybe tomorrow, but shouldn't take longer than that.