The crew called as scheduled although I had forgotten that they would. They could easily tell that something was wrong but I was like nope, don't want to talk about it. And the sad thing is, that I wish I could ruin myself without having people around me getting worried all the time.
I want to live completely alone, no crew, no school and my family at a safe distance cause I'm so tired of people and their constant worry. Who gives a fuck if I drink or cut myself, starve or purge, or whatever self destructive behaviour I can list, who cares? Yeah, fucking everyone! I just want to be left alone.
It's true that I try my best to not be self destructive other than my smoking only because I can't deal with them all worrying about me. I'll most likely snap later on though and get back into every harmful thing I can think of and just scream at anyone as much as giving me a look to just piss off.
But they just care about me. I know that, but then they can take their god damned care and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. I never asked for that shit. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so damn likeable. I just don't want these two options alone: 1) lie and smile or 2) say the truth and be showered in worry.
People try to tell me what to do, and I feel bad for telling them that they can't do that. I'm an adult and I'll do whatever I fucking want with the mess that is my life and that's my final word. I wish people could show care in another way. Not in an "oh no don't hurt yourself that's bad you shouldn't do that" -kinda way but maybe "I'm sorry you're hurting, is there anything I can do?" instead. Or I don't know. Be creative, but don't fucking tell me what I can and can't do.
I'm tired of trying to live for those people. For my family, for the crew, for my classmates and for K. I can't live in a way that pleases other people. Most of them, I never wanted in my life in the first place. I just want to run away and be gone for weeks or months. But I have no idea where to live. I don't want anyone finding me. Possibly I could go to another country. Save up money for the cheapest, crappiest hotel in a slum quarter in whatever city not too far from Sweden. Like maybe stay in Europe.
I don't know, I'm just day dreaming. I doubt I'll ever pack a bag and go to another country completely alone just to get away from the crew and my family. But it's tempting. I should go to London, I've always wanted to go there and practice my English, people watch, sit at a cafe and write or draw.
Maybe go to a museum or travel around in England for some basic sight seeing. Go to King's Cross and see platform 9 and three quarters. Or I don't know. Maybe, I've had the thought for a while, I could try reaching publishing houses for my book in England and hope that that could one day grant me a trip to the big city.
Cause if I could get published, I never want to study ever again. Except possibly for fun kinda study, like perhaps another language like German or Russian. I don't ever want to study up my grades anyway. It's too boring and I don't ever want a real, ordinary job anyway. I'm not gonna waste my precious time and low energy on any such crap.
Nope, if I'm ever gonna have a job I'd be a writer. Or a sex worker, that could be interesting too. Something I've always wanted to try. Me being trans could either be a problem or a good thing in that profession, I don't know. Depends on how many would be interested in that kind of, uhm... adventures.
My mind is going places again. Mostly it's going to London, where I probably would even want to live someday, if I manage to live that long. If I become rich or wealthier as a writer, it's a possible dream. But first, I have to learn how to live on my own, or get rich enough to have a housemaid. It would be so neat with a really old house, like centuries old, big and bright like you see in the movies. Nope, I don't wish for a goth home, I want it bright and big with many rooms that I can litter.
But I'm not sure if I even want to live. That dream can never come true with my constant disabilities, I can't possibly make a career, not even as a writer. I wouldn't be able to write that much. Anna is being annoying again, wanting me to destroy my drawings and other random things that I like or have recently bought. I'm so tired of her. I wish I could just mute her somehow. Rip out her vocal cords and feed her with them.
I don't know how I'm holding up. Not good, but I haven't acted upon anything except from the occasional screaming at stupid things and smoking too much. I'm close to just giving up on trying to hold up and indulge in everything cause I just don't care.
It's like, it's so stupid, all those care takers within the psychiatry, shrinks and doctors and what not, they just say it's good when I don't do stupid things and bad when I do. It's all just complementing and congratulating me if I'm good and telling me how bad it is of me when I do something bad. Like what's the point with that? They're all useless.
My nerves are all over the place. Like seriously. I just hit my thigh repeatedly, then threw an empty bottle halfway across the room. I've immersed myself in the details of various drawings today, but my back hurts and my ideas cut in half before I'm done. Now I'm too tired to continue writing, so good night for now.
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