Creative energy

Yesterday was quite dull, I was dull, wrote only about nightly dreams, food and exercise. Hoping it will change into something more interesting today. It was so dull that I didn't bother posting any of it anywhere.

I just finished my third illustrated poem, it took me about a week to make, or I don't know, maybe 10-15 hours altogether? I want my new promarkers to arrive so that I can continue my drawing of the goth couple's background. I need shades of green!

Holy... I just posted that illustrated poem on tumblr and it got 15 notes in less than an hour! This makes me want to draw more. But I don't know what exactly. I just want my new pens right now! Fucking impatient.

Also, I'm starting to get tired of how my hair looks. I want to change the colour but don't know exactly how or even if I should. I want it blonde again, with parts of it blue, but it's gonna kill my hair and I still want it long. Or for it to get long. I was thinking I could bleach it but not so hard, leave it orange and then dye it all blue (has worked in the past, so) and then just keep bleaching the roots, letting only the lengths be blue. Could work? I don't know.

I need to order some blue dye then. And now I want to do a slightly massive order from BluFox seeing as they have studs that I want for some DIY as well. For a jacket and some pants, mainly. For when I can wear that jacket, that is. Needs to get warmer, I mean. It fits me perfectly these days, size wise.

I've already started a little DIY on it, added some patches to it. Just some things I've embroidered. An ankh and the Men Without Hats logo. Then I want to paint it with like white bats or something. I've got fabric paint and brushes. And add some more studs to it. It feels like I can only be goth during spring and summer, like winter jackets just cannot be goth.

But yeah, I've gotten really bored with my black and green hair now. It was fun while it lasted, now it's boring. I miss the blonde and I miss blue too. It was... 4 years ago I had blue hair and 1 year ago that I had blonde last time. Still want to keep it in a mohawk though, although I might need to trim the tips/endings/lengths or what the fuck to call it, since it was a long while ago and it's probably gotten a little damaged.

So, time for my summer hair already? It's mid April, for crying out loud. Well, it will probably take a while for me to get that blue dye after ordering it, and I should probably wait until my next "pay check" comes before I start online shopping again. It got a little expensive this month *cough* around 1000 kronor *cough*. Aaand I don't really have that kind of money.

But I haven't even been able to do any kind of internet shopping for months while my computer was bitchy, so I'm making up for it now. My things haven't even arrived yet. Bloody annoying when ordering from American websites, it takes ages for the things to show up and the shipping is so damn expensive it's crazy. As if the items themselves were any cheaper...

I hope that when I'll move back to Uppsala I can get more independent again. Travel without needing anyone to drive me, because the traffic is so much better on the main land compared to here on Gotland. I could take buses or trains. I would opt for another LSS apartment and the only help my parents would do is calling people for me, which they can actually do from afar.

I hope I could make that work, and possibly also get a guide or something when needing to travel around to unfamiliar places. There is help for lost people like me, if you just know how to get it. If you just try. And I don't want to be bound to this island forever. I regret moving here so, so much and wish I had stayed in Gottsunda until I had gotten a real LSS apartment in Uppsala. And just skipped studying since that obviously was too hard.

I don't need an education or a job to fulfill my life or to feel fulfilled. I don't know if that's a thing about being human that just I can't relate to, or if simply my art and writing is enough for me. If I didn't have that, I'd probably feel empty without having anything else to do, but I do manage to make my life liveable without having a job or study, because I have my creativity.

Maybe in Uppsala I could have a chance of making success too. I haven't thought about that before. I could contact galleries or something for my art, I could contact publishing houses for my writings. You know, if I didn't have my telephone phobia then. That fucking sucks too. Basically, what that means to me is that I just can't call people.

Wow, the weather is so nice today, it's giving me a lot energy that I can't figure out what to do with. Do I want to draw, write, take up some sewing project or? I don't know. Okay, I just painted my jacket a little bit with white fabric paint. A few lines, a few bats. It's very lumpy and grainy that paint, so it was hard to work with. Hm, now I want to add cobweb to it as well... After this cigarette then.

I don't have enough energy to sew anything though, I'll stick to painting and drawing today, I think. Possibly write something if I can come up with an idea of some kind. My god... that illustrated poem, you know? It's up at 24 notes now. And it's a new record. Okay, it's 25 now and the number just seems to be increasing. It just makes me smile, knowing that so many people like my art, even if it's just one piece.

And now I really do want to make another one, but I don't know what about. Maybe more about the character? I don't know. Apparently, it seems my sad and dark poems are more popular than the lighter and more hopeful ones. And I do want to bring my red haired character into more of my darkness, but I'm having a good day so that seems hard now somehow, if I can't get the mood right.

Aha! I thought of a text for it. It will be a little bit different, more abstract and reflective sort of, but hoping I won't disappoint my fans. Haha, me, having fans? I don't know what else to say, really. Those who seem to appreciate my art, that is.

29 notes and still counting. Wow. Just saying wow cause I'm at a loss for actual words.

I've now gone back to my jacket and added a cobweb to the right shoulder. Now I'm so done with that lumpy paint. I'll get a decent one if I want to do more. Making thin and straight lines? Forget it. It was fairly easy doing the bats though, since I cut out a shape in paper and dotted in paint in the space that formed the shape. It got a little messy though but I fixed that with a black Promarker. The jacket is not supposed to be washed or anything, so I can do whatever I want with it, really.

Next up I want to fix a pair of black jeans to look more trashy goth somehow. I would love to paint cobweb and those too, but not with that damn paint. And or add pieces of white, trashed pantyhose. That could look neat, but then I have to find such pantyhose too. Might be able to find that on BlueFox, or the grocery store for that sake. And also add studs to them. Maybe keeping the pantyhose in place with studs? It's an idea.

Since I have 3 pairs of black jeans I thought it wouldn't be such a waste to fix up one of those. To match the jacket, is my thought. But I'd have to hand wash them when they're done or simply never wash them. Jackets and pants can technically still be used even if never or rarely washed, which is neat.

I just want to look more goth again and I'm so tired of everything either being simply black with no details or "normal" looking clothing. Next up would be getting decent looking shoes. What I have for spring/summer now is either simple black gym shoes or equally simple black sandals. Utterly boring.

Like, I do favourite boots, but I was thinking something lighter and not so very warm to wear. It's usually expensive and I don't know if I can modify or make a pair from scratch. That would be a bit too complicated for such a hobby artist such as myself.

Nope, gotta go scavenging somewhere. Like find something second hand to modify with studs and chains and straps or what not, or suck it up and buy something new. Damn, I wish OdiumClothing was still in business! I miss them. But alas, I have to turn somewhere else. Maybe go to a real life store in Stockholm when next I'm on the main land or something.

I want to start drawing again. Or fix more with my clothes. Was hungry so just had a sandwich. It will have to do, as I'm in the middle of modifying that pair of jeans. Found pieces of fabric, straps with studs on and my old studded leather belt that is completely broken beyond repair. I take tips from what other people have done with their DIY projects and try to think of somewhat original things myself.

Like the pieces of simple, black fabric that I'm trying to think of something somewhat original to do with. I haven't figured out what exactly yet though. This is so much fun. Like really, why didn't I start this sooner? Winter was a problem, as my energy levels tend to go below zero when it's cold and dark and generally uninspiring weather. Now it's like almost warm and spring and it's been a sunny day. Then my energy has been and is on the plus side for a change. That does not happen every day.

It's up at 32 notes. This is insane! I didn't think it became quite that good, but must have been then. Okay, now my energy has run out and I can't do anything. Too tired to exist, I just crashed. But I drink more coffee, hoping I can draw a little more at least.

Wow, this is like the longest blog entry ever and it took forever to edit. It's my whole day, that I've been writing a little every now and then. Don't care to chop it up into shorter entries, so I'll just post it all at once instead.