Independence

Not much to report today. I've been drawing and playing WoW, I'm making several mini series or like illustrated poems. One takes about 6-7 hours to make and I've finished one.

It's 41 days and I actually forgot to count it yesterday. I'm still withering away, disintegrating and forgetting why I should even live, but I get by.

I still have dulled feelings, but I don't mind, it's so much better only vaguely feeling the sadness than to completely drown in it. I push it away, and even successfully so at times. I can't really tell if I'm even sad or just tired right now. It all blends in together and I don't know its ends or beginnings.

I'm listening to The Crüxshadows and it was long ago last time I heard them. Mostly I listen to the lyrics and for the first time recognise myself in them. I long for my own home again already and will probably go back there by the beginning of next week. It's a holiday week again, for Easter this time.

I don't even know why I'm here at all. Last time was during Christmas and I didn't miss my family at all during those 3 months from then until now. I don't know when I'll go here next time, but probably around my birthday. Then probably not again until Midsummer or something.

I don't ever miss being here, I just like it so much better at my own apartment. That mess, no cats, loneliness. But I'm always feeling lonely, no matter how many or which people I surround myself with. Even around K, because there's a distance between us and it's not only physical, that distance.

It's like a mental distance, like there's a glass wall between us, whether we chat or meet in person. It only goes away for that split second I feel his arms around me. In that moment alone, I don't feel lonely at all. But all the other times I do.

In a way I like my loneliness, cause I do isolate and choose to isolate. It gives me a certain feeling of independence that I can't truly grasp. Like I don't need people, yet I do. I don't need them because I feel lonely either way, and I need them because I'm dependent on their help.

Have I ever told you just how degrading it can be to have to live under LSS? Like you can't even clean the dishes and caving in for accepting help when you've had a pretty decent day, but you just realised you can't do it. Or knowing that you actually can do the laundry on your own, but your care taker doesn't believe you cause you're such a mess so they decide to help you anyway.

I'm getting tired, maybe I can go to sleep a little bit earlier today, although I don't hope that hard for it. And I don't care either. Suddenly, I don't care much about anything. Maybe it's the music, K lingering in the back of my mind or something else entirely. I don't think I can write any more now, so this will have to do for today.