Desperately holding on

So, I wrote a very suicidal poem last night that I didn't post anywhere. Was thinking people would get worried then. I care too much and don't want the cops calling me again. They freak me out, man.

Anyway, I'm feeling slightly better right now, although I refrain from saying "today" cause I'm most likely gonna fall with the sun later on, as I usually do.

I don't even know if I'm light or dark anymore. Maybe one or the other, or neither, I don't know. It feels like I'm just fragmented and nothing adds to the whole. I'm sweating and slightly shaking and I can't control it. So, not entirely fine. But am I ever?

It's 39 days and I'm scared of trying to contact K again. Afraid of what he might say. I'm thinking I'll wait until the weekend, if I can. Just holding on to my false hopes for as long as I can, they're slipping away and that fast.

Hopefully I can hold on a little longer, or either thing will kill me. Because I can't stand the silence or face it, I'm locked between two choices again and I refuse to choose. I try to let time choose for me, but either way, I'm scared of dying all too soon.

I couldn't tell my contact person yesterday, about that I think I'll die either way. Or any way, for that matter. Maybe they should just lock me up for some time so that I can continue living. Cause I want to live, and for once, I'm deliberately holding on to my prophecy, because I'd much rather die in two years than in two weeks.

It's that soon, or maybe in just a few days. My heart is racing fast just thinking about it, it knows it's dying, but desperately tries to hold on. And I'll fight with every power in me to not commit suicide, cause I do want to live, just a little longer, I'm scared and I'm not ready.

I want a baby, I don't want to die. So don't then. I know you're thinking it, but in that case I don't think you understand. That my feelings for K are so strong I can't possibly fathom them, they can drive me to suicide without warning. It would be impulsive, and I'm scary and crazy with the impulses.

And I have to choose. To either never speak to him again, never know, but let time slowly kill me - or to talk to him to find out exactly why he's stopped talking to me, and that truth might kill me too. I'm not strong enough for this, I really really don't handle rejection well. In fact, I don't handle it at all.

But if my prophecy is true, I can't die from this, I suddenly realise. Then it will either go to hell and almost lead me to suicide, but I'll survive, or it will go fine. Or something in between, I don't know. All I know is that K is the love of my life and I've made a promise, an oath, to never fall for someone else like this again.

Then true love is not for me and I'd do anything to try and accept that, cause I'm not gonna hurt myself again like this. I won't fall in love again. I might end up in relationships, but I'd never truly give them my heart. Because ten times is enough, whether I live or die from this.

But I hope, for once in my life, that the prophecy is true. I hold on to it, because it is better to die in two years than the next week or so. That's my suicide thoughts of today, or for now. That's how I see it. That I'm scared and believe it could happen soon but I don't want it to. Suicide, is it in my hands, or out of them? Is it all just fate, impulsion, or do I have any say in it?

My life is slipping away with all my hopes and dreams, and it's getting harder to hold on. All I have is my mortal fear and wishing for a sodding chance to have a life. I'm just 25 years old and I don't want to die. Not because of K, that would be terrible. How my heart can be so controlling, it completely drowns me in feelings I cannot fathom. I'll hold on to wanting a child even if K doesn't ever want me, I'll hold on to the future that I still dream of, I'll hold on to... something, anything.