I believe I must be in some sort of reversed solipsism, but I don't know if that's the right word for it, or what the right word would be. I heard this saying once, I don't remember who said it or in what context, but here goes: "it's my world and you just happen to live in it". That was to be about solipsism. But immediately I thought the opposite is very much like me: "it's your world and I just happen to live in it".
My belief that I'm actually already dead, just a ghost lingering, creating interactions with remaining relatives and friends, not knowing that I'm dead. Of course that is a paradox, cause how can I know that I'm dead and at the same time not know...?
However, as I said, I'm dead. As a doornail. I'm not really here anymore, I have no place to feel safe in or that I feel I can call a home. I don't have any impact on anyone else's life. They all seem to live their lives and I just linger here. Intangible, lost, forgotten, abandoned. But I abandoned them. I moved out from my parents' house, I moved hundreds of miles away from my friends. I moved out of the world, and the world goes on living and blossoming without me.
That, is my version of reverse solipsism. I live in a lonely world, as instead of having everything revolving around me, I'm trying to revolve around everything but failing miserably. It feels like I would lose contact with the world permanently if I stopped trying to. But I can't revolve around everything, no matter how hard I try. It's like I'm trying to initiate a dance by starting to dance myself, trying to make others go along with me, but I just end up dancing alone all night.
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