Revealing the reason

I got so used to feeling good yesterday that today feels so much worse. Maybe this night is worse than my usual days nowadays, or it just might seem worse in comparison to yesterday. I don't even know exactly why I feel like crap, it's like it's got nothing to do with anything. It's all so sudden, and usually it takes a few hours upon waking up before I crash, but today it's been like shit since I opened my eyes. That's not the way it's supposed to be.

How can it hurt like this for no reason? Maybe the reason is so obvious I can't see it. No, I can see it, I just don't want to. Can't look it in the eye and accept it, I refuse to. The reason that's been there all along. I'm cold, crying and not comforted by anything. Dreaming about death and smoking my cigarettes, hoping they are as deadly as the warning label on the pack says they are.

I've started to smoke somtimes while I'm in bed, usually right before I go to sleep while reading, or just as I wake up. Because the danger of doing so is no longer bothering me. In fact, I often catch myself fantasising about falling asleep in a bed of flames. It would be an accident, careless and clumsy me falling asleep while smoking in my bed. Cause I would never set fire to my own bed on purpose, would never kill myself that way. It's merely a fantasy that I have no wish to make come true.

Some days I think I'm depressed. Always tired and sick of the world, half and half suicidal, popping anxioulytic's and self harming like crazy and not really amused by anything. Not even that picture of a cute cat doing whatever cute things. When I don't want to get out of bed just as much as I don't want to go to bed. The nighmares are back, less gruesome but more heart tearing. The days are harder to get through, ever since I found out that thing I won't mention - cause it's probably not even official yet and people who reads this might find out who it is - two weeks ago.

Oh, to hell with it. He's engaged, I saw it on tumblr. How can anything possibly make me feel better?