This headache is starting to get to me. It was bad an hour ago, so I took a Treo. Now it's worse. So much for that... I found a new way to self harm again, which is to sit in uncomfortable positions so to the point that I can just barely walk, right after getting up. I'm fine after a few minutes though. But the thing is, it's more complicated than that. Not just about inflicting pain.
I feel weird watching through all the "Criminal Minds" episodes and feel that I have to curl up in my arm chair. To protect or comfort myself, or something like that. It's a paradox, because the most uncomfortable positions are also the only comfortable ones. Mind over matter: what is comfort for the mind is pain to the body, and what is comfort for the body, is pain to the mind. And my mind always has the last say.
It strikes me that maybe that is what the concept of self harm is all about. The paradox about comfort and pain, that they can be the same. To me it is that way, though I can only speak for myself. And I think that is also why my mind is able to play tricks on me, making me self harm without me noticing it, because I recognise it as comfort. Something good as opposed to bad. I can only see one side of the coin.
Everything is paradoxes and ambivalence in my world, the world as I know it, and it does confuse me sometimes. Because I can only explain a paradox with another. It has come to my knowledge that it's possible it's just my way of looking at things. My perception, and not the truth. I'm dulled by my own mind, as usual.
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