I'm not sure whether the pictures I take of myself actually have
become better lately, or if it just feels that way. Does the pictures
look better cause I think that I'm actually looking better or is it
the other way around?
Things are starting to look strange again... I’m torn between the
fear of sleeping and the fear of hallucinating. I can't escape both,
and I don't think that I can choose. What an obvious choice, perhaps,
but it's never quite that simple when it comes to me. My fear of
sleep is equally strong as my fear of hallucinating, thus
making the decision impossible for me to make. I just wish I didn't
have to make such a choice. But stupid as I am, I can feel it in my
gut that I will choose to rather fight off imaginary insects to going
to bed tonight. That's how far off the edge I am right now.
At least I got an appointment to see my therapist on Wednesday, so
maybe I can get a tip or something on how to straighten myself out a
little. If I will have to be admitted it will have to be a short
visit cause I’m heading off to Uppsala the week after that! I
really think I need that “perk me up” and it's better than any
medicine or hospital bed. I even feel as if I have a slight case
of energy going on these last few days. I’ve been taking a walk
once, sometimes twice a day and my walk is light, steady and even
faster than usually.
I’m making some stuff, sort of a Halloween outfit, but it's not
a full costume. It will just be few items, quite outstanding
ones, but still. Things I could, if I wanted to, find in one of those
crappy stores selling cheap costumes, but I just want it to look
right. And a little eye-catching perhaps. I know it's silly, but this
will be my first Halloween as a Satanist and according to their bible
it's the one holiday to be celebrated. I've always loved this holiday
and so I thought, why not actually go out as something a little
less boring than a vampire or zombie?
I’ve been planning on making something for Halloween all summer,
even if it meant I was just gonna stalk the streets in Hemse wearing
it. If I could just get it right... need to buy some light steel
wires/net or something for my next part of the project. And lots
of more fabric. It would have been neat with thin, smooth leather,
but I haven't found any such. All they have on this island is rough
sheep skins the farmers themselves fixed up, and that won't do. So
I’ll just go for fabric that might resemble it a little. Maybe I’ll
even mix up different materials... ah, the ideas are many! It's
amazing what you can make out of simple pieces of cloth you have
lying around in the house, if you just put your mind to it. Though
I’m running out of such items, and I can't trash any more clothes
for that purpose either.
I’m high on caffeine. Gulped down three large cans of energy drinks
since midnight. If it wasn't for them I would not be awake by now.
Sometimes when I’ve forgot to drink for a little while the
tiredness comes right back at me, and I desperately drink half a can
to “shape up” again. Oh, this week... it's been a whole week
now, can you imagine? I don't know if it's worth any sort of
comfort or anything, but just so you know, it's not a game or
a world record competition for me to stay awake. Seriously don't know
where that idea came from. It's an endless chase from an irrational
fear that is somehow connected to my sleep. That's as much as I know
at the moment.
(This is why
self psycho-analysis is so addictive: it gives results.)
I keep mistaking objects in my apartment for cats. I wanna paint my
nails, but I wanna finish my crafting first. Can't do that with newly
painted nails. Oh well, I suppose I’ve got all night for that...
but now the anxiety is starting to catch up with me again, at every
time a day I went up last time. Now it was almost two nights ago I
got up from bed, and the anxiety hits me again, counting the days and
hours of awaken time passed. Cause I know that the longer I stay
awake, the harder it will be to not fall asleep. I’ve been
having such awful anxiety around midnight almost every night this
week, cause that is when it hits me. When I have been awake for 18-23
or 42-47 hours and the tiredness hits me in the face and I feel like
I can't stay up any longer. The feeling is so powerful, it's
like it eats me alive. And I don't even know what it is I fear
so badly I’ve been popping Zyprexa like a maniac just to stop
hyperventilating and the feeling of being close to fainting. Feelings
like that shouldn't come unnoticed.
At least now I know what I’m dealing with, approximately what it is
I fear. But how the hell can one be afraid of sleeping?! Isn't
that against human nature or something? Well, all of me is apparently
in some way or another against human nature... though at least I’m
not the only one with this particular problem. Just hoping my doctors
will take me seriously this time. Not just the obvious sleep
deprivation issue, but the fear that lies behind it. Cause it doesn't
matter what pills they give me for my sleep when I won't even take
them.
I feel like
a train of misery, passing or picking up every nasty experience I
come by.
