Belial... I'm especially drawn to him out of all the various demons I've read about over the past few years or so. Not sure if you'd care, but if you'd google his name with image search, you might notice some rather striking similarities between his and my past life looks. Very handsome and hot demon, makes me get all warm and fussy inside... and well, there went my one hour "long" streak of not feeling sexually aroused. And nope, I don't see anything wrong with me being sexually attracted to certain demons, I mean they're of my own original species.
However, that's not only why I'm drawn to Belial specifically. No, it's because when I read up on the mythology about him, it really hit something within me on a very deep level, and my first instinctive thought was "is that me?" however that's what I can't tell for sure (maybe my pride and self-love have really blown out of proportion?), so I want to try invoking him with a satanic ritual and see... kinda how well we'd hit off, you know. I both have this intense feeling that it will be like meeting a really old friend again, and a gut wrenching and gnawing feeling that he'd laugh in my face and tell me I'm not a demon at all. But whichever way it could possibly turn out to be, I still want to go for it. I have no other way of knowing.
Because no matter fucking what, I need to know the truth about my origin, even if that means being told that it was never real and all I did was holding on to a childhood dream of a better place, holding onto it so desperately hard that it morphed into a deep-rooted and massive delusion. Even if that is the truth, I need to know. But I cannot believe at this point that it all just boils down to human insanity, and I know that most of all, I just want to hear my real name again. I know that whatever the answer, it will either break me completely or bring me closer than ever to completion.
No, I cannot possibly believe that it is a delusion, but I am utterly terrified that it might still be, if that makes any sense. I think that fear comes straight from the fact that I literally base my entire existence on that belief. It's dangerous, really fucking dangerous to base one's entire existence on a belief that cannot be either proven or disproven. It fucks with your mind, heart, goals, dreams, fears, desires, relationships and every single choice you ever make in life. I know it has for me. It has determined everything.
Cause if it does turn out that it can be disproven, I would literally lose everything. I'd become nothing more than an empty shell with no dreams, hopes, desires, no will to ever exist or take another breath again. It would be my ultimate and most dramatic fall ever. And there's no way up from it. Cause I was born up there and I never learned how to climb on my own. I have already discarded and shunned my human self, there's no way I'd want it back or ever even be able to accept it. The thought of being human is the most distressing, disgusting, gut-wrenching, agonizing feeling ever. I do and will always reject it completely.
"Just the slightest doubt it would be disastrous..." as The Mobile Homes sing in the video I linked on tumblr yesterday. I am not moving on from my far distant past. I am deliberately immersing myself as far deeply into it as possible. Utter and complete devotion, I give up everything else. I'm not falling, I'm diving. More determined than ever before, to find my true self again. Who I always was, the demon I so fully loved to be. I was complete. And I intend to shatter and distinguish everything human about me, until nothing remains, but who I really am.
If becoming human really is a gift, it should not have been forced upon me. And if life on Earth is a gift too, I should not be kept here as a prisoner. You people have the most fucked up interpretation of the meaning of the word "gift", it's completely unbelievable to me. I have one ultimate goal, and a million other goals to reach that ultimate goal. I hope I'll find my way home, but home is not a physical place but a way to be, home is freedom from humanity, Earth, God, all the restraints holding me back and holding here; but if I should fail, I will always carry with me the undying feeling, that no matter the consequences, it will always be worth it that I tried.
That's why I chose to go against the light, against enlightenment and against whatever path was intended for me. I chose my own path, the only path that matters to me and ever has. There's never been any other choice. Remembering Dala from early childhood may have ruined my life, but it brought meaning to my existence. I am my belief. Without it, I don't exist.
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