The hardest detail to admit

I'm on a protected IP-adress. Damn. Catch me if you can, nananana! Sorry couldn't help myself. However, just want to clarify that I'm not actually up to anything illegal online, it's just as a precaution to kinda avoid getting in trouble for stuff I haven't done. When I noticed that I ended up on https addresses without even realising and randomly sketchy websites and just looking at my suspicious search history I just got a bit of ice in my stomach.

This has been going on for quite a while now (probably years, although more frequently over time) and it's gotten to a point where I just had to do something to keep my worries somewhat in check. No I won't say exactly where I've been lurking around, but let's just say a lot has made me ask myself "is this entirely safe? am I even supposed to be here? what could happen if someone finds out I've been here?" and it has given me a certain lingering sense of dread. Like it's borderline risky, or could be risky, but not downright obviously risky. Most likely. Hopefully. So I decided to go for anonymous surfing. However I know it's not completely bullet proof and I should still try my best to avoid getting into even deeper shit. Which I will.

Although I think I can safely say that I ended up on a random website for sex workers. (A place for such a business, where you can both get in contact with sew workers and advertise yourself as one, or just lurk around and do neither for that matter as they have a forum as well, as long as you're respectful to the other users). I recognised it, I've been on it before, probably many years ago. Even think I had an account there back then. No I'm not seriously considering selling myself, I'm just curious about this kind of thing, but yeah, the thought has kept hitting me on numerous occasions for I really don't know how long. At least 7-8 years, maybe more. Don't think I'll ever act on it, but yeah. And nope, never will and never have wanted to buy. Why would I when it's for free?

Anyway, it is perfectly legal to be on that site, especially if you're just lurking around. However it's obvious that illegal stuff is going on there as well (as it's illegal to buy sex in Sweden, although not to sell), which I think does put me at somewhat of a risk just being there, however I'm not sure if it actually does. See where I'm going with this? It's sketchy, but I'm not actually up to something I'm not allowed to.

And that sort of thing has become quite a habit. Something I can't seem to just stop myself from doing. All that taboo information I just got to have, and getting all the more desperate to find information about specific things that aren't often talked about for various reasons. Perhaps it's just rare, or embarrassing to most people, or you don't know who or where to turn to, or it hasn't really been documented much at all cause people forget that even the embarrassing, weird or uncomfortable stuff can be very important too. That desperation sometimes leads me off from the safe sites, when there's just that one link that seems to know what I'm thinking about. Be aware, I tell myself, be careful.

That old saying "curiosity killed the cat" keeps popping up in my head. Not like a mantra, but just as a friendly reminder every once in a while. That leash that keeps on loosening. Yeah I hear you. And if curiosity could kill anyone, I guess that would be me. I know I have little to no inhibitions, or limits, when it comes to what kind of knowledge and experiences I'm into. I know I often take more risks than most people in some situations (as well as taking far less risks than most people in other situations). I don't fear people, not even the actually dangerous ones that I should stay away from. I never trust, but I also never fear. However I do fear a lot of things that aren't actually dangerous, like phones or heights. This makes my life choices a bit weird.

I'm guessing this might have something to do with my kinda severe trust issues, even though I'm fully aware of the irony in that statement. Knowing that I can't trust anyone, letting them have at it while exposing myself to certain risks does mean that there is no trust to break even to begin with. It makes me count on it, that shit is gonna get fucked up sooner or later anyway, so that when things did go wrong, I was never surprised and somehow that made me feel safer. Safe knowing that the scenario actually turned out as I expected for it to. I started to care less and less about risks and danger with the even more dangerous thought "I've been through worse, I can handle it" cause what if I can't?

I'm sure someday I'll dive head first into something I can't handle. However figuring out exactly what that might be isn't entirely easy. The list is probably kinda long. Am I drawn to danger for the thrill of knowing I've always survived so far - or do I just not care?

Mostly in terms of sex and meeting strangers, this applies, I think. Yeah I've been around, and I just realised a couple of days ago that a large majority of all my partners were casual, strangers I met at night clubs for one-night-stands or strangers that found me online for a hook-up in real life a couple of days later. Often unprotected. I don't even remember all their names. I was damaged already way before the rape though. At 17 I wanted to lose my virginity as I saw it as a burden, as me being inexperienced and I was of course curious about sex. But more obsessed with losing my virginity than I even wanted to feel pleasure. Back in fall 2006 when I had just started my second gymnasium school, I had a classmate, 2 years older than me so we didn't go the same grade, but at the same asperger unit separated from the rest of that school and students of all 3 grades viewed each other and all of us as "classmates" cause we were a pretty tight group despite not going to the same lessons and being of different ages. However, we barely considered each other friends, that guy and I, but I agreed to go home with him after school.

That happened several times (maybe 20-30 times in total but it's a wild guess) and I know he thought of us as "fuck buddies" but that term made it turn in my stomach at the time. I was a 17 year old virgin. Or virgin by my and most of society's standards. But not entirely inexperienced at that point anymore. I wasn't sure what I was up to. I wasn't in love with him, he had no feelings for me either which he constantly reminded me of, but we were intimate. I felt both drawn to and appalled by him at the same time. I was conflicted. I guess deep down I wanted a loving romantic relationship but I was also damaged, had low self esteem, still barely recovering from the bullying that had stopped just a couple of years earlier, and saw I had a bit of a new opportunity when finally someone wanted me in ways like never before.

We ended up doing almost anything sexual except from the penis in vagina action. I knew I wanted it, but not with him. I don't know for sure if he coerced me into that kind of stuff, or if he just thought I was always up for it. He wasn't very keen on noticing details like it was always him taking the initiative, that I was always indecisive before eventually saying yes, that my silence and discomfort triumphed my moans and pleasure. Sure it wasn't all bad, in fact I've long wished I had just stopped being so damn insecure and let him have me. When I actually had the damn option right in front of me. Cause it would have been way better than how I actually lost my official virginity in the beginning of the following year. I know I went back to him after that, but still reluctant to let him in.

Whatever I'm still bitter and kicking my old self for past decisions I can't change. I also think about that day I was raped, 10 years ago. The question I always keep asking myself is "Why did I agree to go home with him, knowing what could happen?" cause I did know. Just right after he asked me "Do you want to come to my place?" the thought hit me: he could rape me at his place, if I say yes. I didn't block the thought out, no I carefully considered it, but I knew I couldn't just stand there at the train station and think about my decision forever while he waited for an answer. I knew it was a risk, but somehow I reached the conclusion that it was worth it, without knowing why. Maybe a minute or two passed before I told him "Yes."

Why would it be worth it? I barely even knew him. What was so important about hanging out with this online acquaintance that I had never met in real life before, that I was prepared to take the risk of him raping me? And that it actually turned out that way makes me question my own logic at the time even more. Did I even... want it? Sucker for sick experiences and danger, I know that feeling was stuffed away somewhere very deep inside of me, and I always kept stuffing it down even deeper after the event. Those kind of feelings, especially after coming true, are far too immense to have around.

I had read up a lot until that point, about rape victims. Random news articles, autobiographic books, stories online. I knew it was wrong of me but somehow the thought of going through such a thing was alluring to me. I never even analysed that thought, that twisting, turning, pitch black feeling like a void within me. I was probably around 15 when it hit me. Or well, more like sneaked up on me, gently placing one finger after the other on my shoulder as its grip slowly tightened, before letting out a soft, ice cold breath close to my neck. After the rape, I felt the claws of that hand digging in deep into my skin. "You asked for it" it whispered.

To say that it's been haunting me is a vast understatement. Why do you think I blame myself for that rape? I did want it. The experience. But of course being in that room with him made me realise how really not fun being in that kind of situation was. Of course I panicked. Panicked enough to freeze, when "no" and "stop" wasn't enough. I was more scared of myself than him at that point. I think it should be obvious why I've kept this particular detail to myself up until now. It was the hardest detail to admit. Be careful what you wish for, cause you might get it.