Shifting priorities

Oh my god, I managed it! First step towards SRS. I'm still shaking, but I feel relieved. I didn't miss the trans team's calling hours this morning, although I almost did as suddenly it was 10:15 am and they closed those doors at 10:30. (Did I say I have a little bit of a distraction issue?) I managed to make the call, got to an answering machine and had to take one of four options to proceed from there. I really didn't know which option would be the best, so I just took the one that seemed the least off, which was to talk to a nurse there. Other options were booking an appointment, declining an appointment and a third one that I forgot what it was.

It really isn't easy at all to dial my personal identification number and phone number with extremely shaky hands no matter how big those buttons are. Just saying. However the machine voice told me a nurse would call me back at the number I had given at sometime around 1:30 pm. I was good with that and hung up the phone. However since I had purposely kept myself awake all night to make sure I wouldn't miss the calling hours again, I was really damn tired at that point.

So I set an alarm to go off at 12:30 before I went to sleep for the barely 2 hours until then. I woke up from the alarm, very confused. I thought "Wait why is it so late? Did I miss the calling hours again?" before I realised and then remembered what the alarm was actually for. I forced myself out of bed immediately to not risk falling asleep again. I needed to be at least awake by the time I would get my phone call.

Made myself coffee, went out for a smoke. Then I started playing some WoW as it was an hour until they would be calling and I didn't want to just sit and stare at the phone and wait impatiently for quite that long. However I did lose track of time while playing as I was busy battling several mobs the second the phone rang at 1:17. Crap. It took me a couple of seconds to react at all before I closed down WoW mid fight so that I could see the notes I had made for this conversation on my computer. Then I quickly answered the phone.

Of course my notes did not save me from becoming a hopeless case of a babbling idiot. I'm amazed the nurse even got what I was trying to say. However except from the slightly jumbled words I did manage to not let my nervousness take over me completely. My voice remained fairly calm and clear, just a little bit faster and less steady than my usual talking voice. This fucking phone phobia is a downright nightmare! Anyway, the nurse did understand what I was trying to say and she told me to wait. I assumed she was looking into my file, to check to see if I was correct, who
I am and such.

I really can't recall exactly which words flew out of me in random order, but I did say something like "I am/have been a patient here for a long time but haven't had contact for the past two or so years cause I'm kinda "done" but didn't have lower surgery but now I really do want that and I don't know how to go about that practically" and yeah it did become somewhat of just one long sentence, and a lot messier than that, but that was the message I was trying my best to convey and roughly in the order I said it.

Just to clarify, talking about it with that nurse was not what was difficult for me. This rambling and nervousness was only due to my phone-phobia. That's how greatly it affects me, even when I know the talking/interacting/telling my message part isn't a concern or worry at all. This is what makes it so difficult for me to make phone calls, to anyone who isn't my mother, but I do still get a little bit of this also when calling her, however to a much more manageable degree.

The nurse was away for a couple of minutes or so after she told me to wait and it was so quiet that I wondered if she had hung up on me. Checked the screen. Nope still on the line. Then she got back to me and said that I had gotten my legal gender changed and that stuff back in 2014, to which I said was correct. (It was in December 2014 so just a little over 2 years ago). She asked me if I remember if I had also applied for being allowed such surgeries on that application for my legal gender change, and I said I'm pretty sure I applied for everything such heavily implying that it's possible I was mistaken about what I had or hadn't applied for. I mean it was over two years ago and my memory is especially crappy.

Then she said that she needed to take it up with the team on their round on Wednesday...? I think she said it was Wednesday... to check with them if I really did apply for all that or not. She said that if I hadn't I would have to send in a new application applying for those things first before proceeding further. She asked me if that was okay as if she was unsure about me being okay with her making sure things are the way they're supposed to be, which did baffle me a bit as I assured her (at this point I was a lot calmer and making far more sense) that of course it was okay. All I could think of was "I'm really not THAT much in a hurry, nor would I want to give the impression that I'm too impatient and acting impulsively, just because I'm a bit excited and having a slightly more manic day than usually".

So we said goodbye and she said she'll get back to me after having talked to the team about my request, and then we hung up and that was it. So all in all I think it did go pretty smoothly, all things considered. She seemed kind, understanding and like she really did listen to me which was a great relief in keeping my nervousness manageable. As far as it goes with my phone-phobia these days, it is as bad as that I'm glad and call it a "success" as long as I'm able to speak at all. Sometimes I can't. When the nervousness leaps over into a panic attack and my breathing is far too intense for me to be able to talk. I can't possibly form words or even most of any sounds at all while hyperventilating very, very fast.

But most of the time it doesn't get quite that bad, but I'd say it still happens to somewhere around 30% of the time, which to me still is way too often. I can't possible say that my phobia is manageable, or that I can work with it, not when it gets so extreme that I'm literally unable to talk 30% of the time when I call someone. At best I can say that I'm lucky enough to make it manageable sometimes. Or well, "lucky" in the sense that I do have some techniques for calming myself down in that situation, however it doesn't work all that well most of the time and some of the time it doesn't work at all. I'll keep working on it though.

So, that's finally done and now I just need to wait a week or so to hear what's the verdict on what I'm currently allowed to do or not. Then take things from there. I didn't mention my problems with the periods this time, however I will certainly bring it up at a more appropriate time, and yes as soon as possible of course, but it didn't strike me as important or necessary for this particular conversation. I think I didn't need to say it now, but that it can safely wait until next time or whenever I feel "now would be good to bring it up" which I cannot say for sure at this point when exactly that will be, but yeah, better sooner than later.

Then I should also call my mother and inform her about this so she knows what's going on and such. However I don't feel like rushing into that right now. But I won't wait too long either. Maybe I should write down a reminder somewhere about that they'll call me back on Wednesday next week or some day soon after so I won't forget it and ignore the call? They called from a secret number today, so I could expect that to be the case when they call me back again next time as well. Then I should just chill about it, I think. But try not to forget about it completely.

As far as I know what's up with me having my periods back... I'm basically clueless and so is everyone else. No one can tell why this is happening to me and it is a mystery. However no one seems to think it's in any way dangerous or something serious, so I don't think I need to panic about it. It still makes me shake my head about it though. As my hormone levels are fine and the gynecologist said everything looked fine inside me too. It baffled my endocrinologist and my gynecologist couldn't figure it out.

So as far as I understand it now, she did prescribe me a kinda sketchy drug that she said could maybe work but it wasn't certain. Which I said yes to at the time but then my gut told me later the same day that "hell to the no that I'm taking that shit" because I had a very strong feeling that it could very likely fuck me up both mentally and physically by messing with my hormones considerably and it was simply not worth that risk.

Sure I don't like getting periods at all, they cause me psychological stress, worsen my dysphoria, and make me automatically disconnect from my body as in some kind of fairly mild-ish dissociation as a way to just cope with it. I even worry about it between the periods as well, as I deflect from it happening again. But it acts very much like a regular female period. Comes back for about 8-9 days usually at the end of each month, medium heavy flow, sometimes also comes with cramps too, but quite rarely. It's just that I'm on testosterone since 3,5 years ago and it simply shouldn't happen at all. And no one knows why.

So, my plan now on how to deal with that shit, if the doctors agree it's a good/reasonable plan too, is to tell the trans team about this issue and ask if it could be possible for me to get a hysterectomy done relatively soon. I know I want to get rid of everything related to my reproductive system in there which should stop the bleedings, just that I have to keep the vagina itself until the time of metoidioplasty cause of needing the material of it for that for the urethral lengthening procedure. Then I can finally close that up too.

I don't mind waiting 5-6 months or even longer (for just the hysterectomy then, as it can and should be done first anyway), however more than a year might become significantly more difficult for me to handle. I would tell them that I want the hysterectomy soon for this reason, but that the real reason for me wanting a hysterectomy at all has nothing to do with this. That I want a hysterectomy regardless of my issue with the periods, however hurrying it up would be good if that's reasonable to do because of this issue. And it's the only reasonable solution I have to make the periods stop.

I'll see what I can do in terms of working with the team, hearing what they might think of this request and what we could agree on. If they'll say no to it for whatever reasons, I think I'll have to go back to the gynecologist or whoever and try to see if there's any safer drug or something I could try. I really don't know. I can just say I'll explore other options, cause I don't want to let this drive me to a point where I just can't take it anymore.

Working with the medical health care system is indeed a bit of a pain when I just so damn profoundly want to literally rip my reproductive organs out of my body by hand. Urgh. That is a very satisfying mental image, I have to admit, however I would never actually attempt at trying to do anything as barbaric and utterly stupid and also probably impossible thing to my own body no matter how much worse it gets for me on a psychological level.

I can however imagine I could possibly get to the point where I would be begging and pleading for having that hysterectomy done while crying my eyes out cause I'm so very desperate at that point, in at least 6 or 8 months from now if still nothing has been done about it. But I'll try my very best to avoid things from going quite that far, and I know I need to stay focused, act mature, wise and listen to the doctors just as much as I need to listen to myself, or it will most likely just backfire on me.

At this time I'm still managing and I feel pretty damn far from reaching such a breaking point, however I will stress the possibility of that happening if I can't find a reasonable solution to end this crap for good, if I deem it necessary. I don't want to sound like I'm threatening the doctors by coming across as saying "if you don't give me my hysterectomy I will mentally break down and that's going to be your fault" however it wouldn't be entirely untrue if it comes to that.

Just saying that good communication is probably going to be important, and I should act with my thoughts, logic, reason and not with my feelings. But still conveying my feelings, of course. Just don't let them rule me and take over.

So, just talked to my mother over the phone about this and also ended up babbling on quite a lot about my thoughts, feelings and plans around bottom surgery and I felt we had a nice and open conversation about it without any discomfort. So that felt good. She really does seem very accepting about this and it's a great relief for me. Also I told her about me having been kicked out of school, but that was pretty much all that we talked about. And yeah we discussed that I never really feel bored cause of my hectic head and her actually being really bored all of today since finishing a puzzle. And other stuff that are irrelevant to much of anything to anyone else but us.

Finally got around to book a laundry appointment and was lucky enough to be able to book one for already later today, at 19 pm. And damn how nice it feels to walk around with my plug in. I'm discovering new amazing sensations with this all the time, and I don't ever want for that to stop. Maybe it can be a bit of a driving force to get me to start taking daily walks outside or something? It's a tempting thought. If I can just get over my worry of it slipping out. It's ridiculous though, cause it's requires quite a firm grip and some force just to be able to get it out, so worrying about it slipping out on its own is probably highly unlikely no matter what kind of activity I'm up to. Also the bigger the plug the more firmly it wants to stay in there, and well yeah I've gotten into the "big" category already although hardly the biggest.

I've come to another realisation, regarding my high sex drive these days: I don't want for it to go away or lessen. I want to keep it like this, and I think a good reason for that is that I do believe I can, not just learn to manage it better and in safer ways, but also really damn enjoy it. So what if I masturbate quite a lot? I was already addicted to begin with anyway and it's far more enjoyable now than ever before. I will still be very careful when going about having sex with other people. I really don't think I'll just blindly and impulsively throw myself into first best gay community and scavenge first best corner for first best guy and go all crazy about it.

Sure it has kinda happened in the past, but that doesn't mean I plan to do so now. Or any time soon or even ever again. Sure I'm all for casual sex with new people, but I'm also all for being careful and going about it as safely as I can. And I won't do anything such for at least 4-5 months from now. And also I have surgeries to consider. I'm not ready now and I won't be soon either, and I listen to myself when I say that. I only want to go for it when I am ready, and certainly not rush into it. I want it to at least have the potential to be a nice experience without having to worry about getting STD's or getting abused.

I'm keeping my crazy fantasies under better control already, however I give myself these few days until Wednesday as a testing time to see how that goes. Then talk to my therapist about it if it turns out I fail my test. But I do feel it will only get easier from here on. And well yeah, I'm pretty sure that me actually tasting my own shit yesterday really did act as a slap in my face to bring me back right into reality again. Yeah I did attempt to taste it when I wrote about it in that blog entry before, but I didn't manage to actually notice any taste. So I did a second attempt yesterday just to get it out of my mind and I can't even begin to describe how utterly horrible that whole experience was. I'm surprised that I actually didn't puke my guts out.

It made me realise that "What the flying fuck am I up to? This needs to stop. Now" and it has done nothing but continue to sink in further. That goes for all the messed up fantasies in my head. Sure they can stay there, but I will push them back if they're even remotely starting to take over me like that again. I have no intention on acting out on anything unless it's safe, consensual and something that I really want to try, also when it's not an obsessive thought.

I know I have been over-reacting, dramatic and getting very deep into my thoughts and feelings lately, but that only makes me work even harder on establishing enough control over myself to stay functional and free from harm and harming others. So, as the intensity increases, so does my strategies and willpower and strength to keep things under control. And make the best of the situation.

Despite being under quite a lot of pressure now, and tackling a lot of issues at once, I know I keep bouncing back on track, feeling stronger and more confident each time. This is exactly how I want to face and deal with my problems in life, and although I know I'm sometimes close to being overpowered by the intensity, so far I've always managed to avoid it. I pull myself back, away from the danger, and I know that all I really need to do from now for it to work better, is to act on it much sooner before it gets to that point. That doesn't sound unreasonably hard at all. I know when it's time to take such actions, I just needed to remind myself of the importance of doing so at that point and not wait.

I thank you for giving me advice on my situation, it helped me a lot to sort out some of the chaos and understand it better. And yeah, taking medication and going over it with a doctor might still be necessary at some point, but right now I really do feel I can handle this. Yeah, your last sentence is sinking in now. I will be and already am, a whole lot more careful.

I've also made the discovery that despite having wanted to try to switch from comfortably being bottom and submissive to the reversed roles, that never worked for me and I don't like it. So I intend to stop trying it, at least for as long as it's not something I want or feel comfortable with. So I'm exclusively a bottom and submissive, and really always have been. I kept trying to change it for all the wrong reasons, but now I'm not and I'm embracing it instead. It feels like a great relief and a good decision. Yet another form of self acceptance and care.

There really are very few aspects of my life where it just has to be kept in such a neat one-path-structure for it to work for me, and I'm sure that's why I tried so hard to widen my likes in that specific aspects as I did. But I realised it was damaging for me, like trying to force myself to enjoy a hobby or type of food, or anything, that I knew I wasn't into. I know that self acceptance and care do sometimes mean stop trying to change something, instead of implementing a change. Sometimes what really the thing I need to do the most, is to stop stirring in that pot and embrace it as it is.

Also, feelings like discomfort, insecurity, doing something I don't want and going against myself, are most definitely things I want to keep out of my sex life. And those are also definitely not things I should frequently and consciously bring into it on purpose. That's just a recipe for disaster.

However I'm aware of that it might look a bit like my favourite combination of being submissive, and a bottom, as well as really liking receiving anal, might look a lot like a certain kind of stereotype. Especially in the gay male community that I've been increasingly more interested in exploring a bit more. And that it might therefore seem like it was an active choice or like it was a planned combination. However I'm very certain that it isn't and never was. It really just turned out that way.

I prefer them all separately and together, but I didn't come to like all of them at once. Nor did I ever try to make myself like any of those because they looked good together. I found out what I preferred by trying various things out while being open-minded with quite a lot of people, or by just randomly getting a strong wish and urge to try it out not knowing for sure if I would be into it but it turned out I was. And I sure as hell didn't even see how well I happened to fit into that particular stereotype until a few weeks ago. That surely did make me chuckle a bit though.

Sure it's a good thing to want to be outside of or beyond stereotypes, but when a certain stereotype just happens to correspond and resonate remarkably well with you, I really don't think there's anything wrong to stick with that. I think trying to force-like something unconventional is just as bad as trying to force-like what is conventional. Although most people end up in the latter situation, it can be just as damaging ending up in the opposite.

But we praise the unconventional, of not fitting in, of thinking outside of the box. Mind you, I will never stop thinking outside of the box or praising the unconventional, but I will also never again try to force it upon myself when it chafes and causes discomfort and just really rubs me the wrong way. Then I can stay within that box, while gazing out of it from time to time. If not else, just to check and make sure that I'm still comfortable and happy in there. This isn't so much about limiting myself, as it is about respecting my already existing limits. Those limits that have been harmed and spat on and pushed to the ground by me, for being unwanted. I really needed to pick up those limits and start being kind to them instead. Give them what they need too. They're there for a reason.

Yeah it's been a very good day here so far, even though my physical condition has started to weaken slightly, due to me not having eaten for somewhere around 81 hours now. That's 3 days and 9 hours. It's definitely not a permanent solution to my now rather severe appetite issue though, no it's very temporary and I just so desperately needed a break from all the constant self-force-feeding. I reached my breaking point for not being able to mentally handle it anymore.

In many ways, not eating for now has given me a bit more space to breathe, to not have that constant pressure of trying to force myself to eat something. And I do function remarkably well all things considered. My only symptoms are feeling a little bit weaker and getting slightly worse headache from time to time. Mostly I just consume coffee, with the usual amounts of sugar and oat milk, sometimes I might have a glass of actual milk or fruit juice, but that's it. I still do sometimes feel physical hunger, but it really isn't much of it and it doesn't even bother me. I still, after 81 hours without food, have absolutely no appetite.

I rarely ever think about food or eating, but when I do, it certainly does not involve wanting or craving it in any way. If anything it involves disgust and repulsion. Mostly it only crosses my mind when I see something online that reminds me of the existence of food in this world. And it's been like this for, well almost exactly 7 weeks now. One more week and I'm up at 2 months. I do count from January 1st but I don't remember the exact date as my appetite did go down slowly for a longer time. But yeah it did reach the point of being completely dead sometime during the first week of January and has shown no signs of life ever since.

I do definitely prioritise my disastrous eating habits due to my complete lack of appetite way higher than my sex drive being unconventionally high. As I think this is far more urgent, especially since I stopped eating entirely (can't really get more alarming than that, huh?) and not even the starvation itself can bring back my appetite, it seems. That, I see as far more dangerous cause if it continues untreated and I still can't make myself eat, it could lead to my death within weeks. And that's certainly not how I've been planning this upcoming spring.

However, I don't think I'm putting myself in an immediate risk going without food just until Wednesday, even though it will have become 5 days by then. I try my best to stay hydrated, which obviously isn't going all that well either since I'm almost only drinking coffee and yes, my lack of appetite affects my ability to drink as well, although not quite as much cause fluids still go down both easier and quicker than food, making the experience more tolerable but still just as difficult. But no, eating soup doesn't work for me either, the taste is far too sickening to get it down at all. My stomach wants to escape out of my ass at just the thought of soup. Doesn't matter what flavour or consistency it has. Sweets are just as revolting as food too.

Right now, this is a hopeless situation with no solution for me. I've not given up but I have most certainly run all out of options on what else I possibly can do about it. To stop eating entirely was a last resort and the only thing I could do. It wasn't an active choice or even something I wanted, it became that way because I found myself having no other options left. No way of forcing food into myself anymore. But I realise that this isn't a solution at all, it's the complete lack of a solution and rather damn disastrous.

But I really don't think I will cause any harm bad enough to worry about in a 5 days long fast of some kind. I'm physically healthy otherwise and I'm not at a dangerously low weight. No, I'm still somewhere within the 58-60 kg range as far as I'm aware, unbelievable or not. My stomach is flatter (likely due to being empty though) but somehow my thighs have gotten bigger. Whatever the fuck is fattening them up though, I have no idea about.

I only check that kind of stuff cause I want to avoid the scale and I need to have some way of trying to make sure I don't start dropping in weight, and not because I want to lose weight, cause I don't. What I want is to eat better and build muscles. However I might suck it up and check my weight before that appointment on Wednesday so that I can say for sure if I've lost any weight at all as I realise that could be important even though I still look the same and fit comfortably into the same clothes as I always have for at least several months now (since summer?).

By now, I can honestly say that I have no symptoms left of my eating disorder. I only avoid the scale out of fear of it triggering a relapse, however I can only speculate about how that will continue to be like in the future. I willingly opted out of recovery for that for now (but do still consider that to be an option in the future in case of a relapse) because I have no issues with it what so ever now so there's literally nothing to recover from.

I don't want to lose weight, I don't think I need to lose more weight, I don't think of myself as fat (however arguably skinny-fat, meaning I see myself as rather thin but with a fairly high body fat percentage), my entire ideal body has drastically changed into a more healthy and athletic type (if you want an idea of what that looks like then both Christiandeviant on tumblr and half-famous youtuber Aydian Dowling are in that category), and I have completely different goals with my body in that regard now and it's been consistent.

My only issues with my body now are connected to my gender dysphoria and wanting to look more masculine and feeling better about how I look. I'm always going to be transgender though, however damn annoying that is, I've accepted that and simply try to improve that annoying situation as well as I can. I'm absolutely certain that this lack of appetite is something else entirely unrelated to the eating disorder issues that I had before.

Yeah I probably still hate being trans and carry a lot of cis envy, still can't even understand why anyone can be proud to be trans, (however I don't regard it as a bad thing at all, I mean each to their own and good on anyone who can find a lot healthier ways to live than I can; it's just that I can't understand why, cause to me... and I hope you don't take it the wrong way, it's a defect) but I do plan on working on finding ways to be comfortable with the way I look regardless of if I'm trans or not.

I want to reach the point where I can comfortably shrug about the fact that I'm trans, that it's a non-issue or at least a very mild issue that doesn't tear me apart. But I know that I can't possibly get to that point for as long as all I see in the mirror is someone who doesn't look either male or female or a mix of both. Nothing against people who are intersex, or people who don't want to fully transition, I'm only saying that for me and my own body, it's a freaking disaster that I cannot possibly ever love. I don't want to be stuck in between, it's not manageable.

Had I not been very binary male then maybe accepting my current looks would have been easier but I'm not sure. If I had identified as non-binary in some way or what not. But I don't, I know now for certain that I'm only male and that's it. That came with both a relief of finally feeling very certain about my gender, and a more intense need to fix shit about my body that's been bothering me for an incredibly long time.

Over all though, I'm looking for an improvement, not perfection. I don't think there's any way I could one day pass as a hot cis male to 100% in any given situation (no matter how bloody much that's what I've always wanted) and trying to aim for that would only end me in a disaster. However there's a pretty far stretch from how I look now to 100% cis passing in any given situation. Aiming for something closer to 80-90% for my own peace of mind's sake is not unreasonable or wrong to me as long as it doesn't become (more) obsessive and also damaging. I know it's at least worth a bloody try to get to somewhere around there.

And yeah, I'm talking passing naked, if that wasn't clear. And also, passing before my own eyes is more important than before anyone else's. I don't seek approval from other people, although I do not underestimate that me more or less being able to pass off as kinda cis if you squint a little in dim light and have no knowledge about trans men's bodies, sure that could be helpful in the dating world, but I'm hardly basing my future body goals on how nice it would be to be popular with the hot guys. That would only be a bonus if anything.

One more thing about my relationship to the way I look these days, is that I feel very happy about my face/head as of lately. Really all of it, including my messy damaged hair. It feels like maybe I just found the "right" combination of hairstyle, facial hair, colour on that and general looks that just happened to unexpectedly resonate with me really a lot. Also having less acne now and my summer tan being gone, and my eyebrows having grown out fully, might be helping a lot too.

Side note: I know for sure that one of the many reasons I really want to get rid of the vag is how much I long for being able to have dry orgasms. I really hate that annoying, gross and now very unnecessary wetness and it's a hassle trying to keep it away from me and from ruining my clothes (that shit actually bleaches my underwear). Also it's extremely excessive on top of that, for various reasons. However it would of course be nice if I'm still able to squirt so that I could actually ejaculate post op. I know I have done that in the past, although it was a long time ago now and it only happened once. That would be a nice bonus surprise though, as I see it.

So well back to my appetite issue and it not being a symptom of my eating disorder, I wouldn't see this as any kind of relapse in any way. I mean I've been working my ass off for weeks after weeks after weeks just to try to remain at roughly the same weight as I see it as a good starting point for working out, and get enough nutrients into me but it's gotten to the point where I am no longer able to.

What I want is an increased appetite so that I can start eating better and keep eating even better so that working out and building muscles will be possible, healthy and safe and for it to give me the best results that it can. I can't possibly start that kind of activity when I'm like this as I'm going to need calories, vitamins, minerals, carbs, fibers, protein and fluids just to have a fighting chance; and it's a damn fucking bother, to say the least. I just freaking want to be able to start working towards my goal and this shit downright sucks.

Yeah I'm a bit passive aggressive about it and I'm not directing it at you or anyone else, it's just me venting my frustration out into nowhere in particular. And I'll probably have to explain all this to my doctors as well, but try to go a little bit easy on the passive aggression perhaps. However expressing my frustration a bit might come in handy, and be certain to convey that it's got nothing to do with wanting to lose weight or not not wanting to eat. I want to, but I can't. Yeah okay, venting over for now.