I really need a drink just to cope with this. My heart won't calm down and it feels like there's more acid than usually in my stomach, seeping out. I've known about it for a few days already, but I guess writing it down and posting it on my blog somehow made it more real. I know I'm disconnecting from it, somewhat tuning out and shutting down. Like I know I just can't deal with it. How does anyone deal with such a messed up situation? I literally can't protect myself from her in any way.
I don't see it as that just because Anna is against me transitioning and wanting to harm me when I've gotten SRS - as that somehow meaning that a part of me is against transitioning. I've always known it might have been different if I had never split, however the fact that I did doesn't make my transsexualism any less real to me. Anna is indeed a part of me, but that part of me is entirely disconnected from my core and has always been for the past 19 years of my life. It isn't reasonable to think that us merging could ever happen and even if it would be possible... that's not the kind of person I'd ever want to be. So I'd opt out of it anyway.
The only thing I can see myself wanting in this is to be able to work with her, somehow make her more human and reasonable, and less of an insane monster. Another option I wouldn't say no to, if it even could be an option, would be to have her erased somehow. Yes, kill that part of me, if it would be possible. But somehow I doubt that it would. But I do think it could at least maybe work to find ways to have her still around but not as much of a danger to me, although I most certainly don't think it would be easy at all to achieve. It's still something I want to pursue and try very hard to achieve. Could she ever change? I don't know.
Whoever I could have been if the split hadn't happened, it can't be of my concern, cause that's simply not the reality that I'm living in. I've always had to put my own needs and wishes above Anna's, cause giving into her needs and wishes has only proven to be disastrous. It fuels her "power" and she uses that to break me more. Yes, I go against and basically fight myself, but this is especially tricky because of how violent and dangerous she is.
If I let her lose... I have no doubt I would be putting more people than just myself in danger. I have no doubts she'd ruin lives if I'd be more allowing of switches. My friends, family members, possibly even acquaintances. They'd all be at considerable risks. Anyone she'd view as a threat. So is it better then, to suffocate her by not letting her surface, at the risk of my own safety? Well, I still know that I haven't been able to stop her from surfacing when that's been what she's wanted, all I can really do is talking her out of it, reminding her of consequences and pleading.
But the thing is, I can't know for sure that this hasn't already happened and I'm just not aware of it. Just because I'm aware of 3 switches certainly doesn't have to mean that I've always been aware of all switches that have occurred. And if it actually was her, back when I was 9... I do think that might be just enough for me to know what she's capable of. For fuck's sake, I don't know what to do.
I don't want anything more than I want my SRS, but knowing that by the time it's done she might very likely cause significant, irreparable harm to me... I can't think clearly. Of course it's worth it, there's no doubt about it, but it doesn't take away this nearly paralysing fear. I need to think of a solution, without telling any doctors, not even remotely hinting at it... this is a damn tricky dilemma, for sure. What would anyone else do if they were in my shitty situation? How can I find another such person anywhere in the entire world? I'm lost.
Okay I did think of something just now as I was out for a cigarette, and why didn't I think of this before?! I'll just run head first into psychiatry as soon as freaking possible after my SRS. Begging, pleading, anything, literally anything. If I still think it's even remotely possible she will still go through with that then. It could still just be some kind of scare tactic though. One that's working pretty damn well, but not fully cause I'll still go through with the surgery no matter what. Having figured out at least one possible solution does give me some sense of relief. But I'm not exactly breathing out yet.
Why? Well, I know that I'd have to stay at the hospital, more or less bed-ridden, for the first week right after. During that time there most likely can't be any running head first into psychiatry. That week I don't know how to deal with this. However if shit gets heated between me and Anna or just if my worry is still present even the first day after surgery, I do think it would still be an option for me to reach out to the staff there. They can't possibly undo the operation, but surely they wouldn't exactly be thrilled about me having kept that fear and my situation secret. However that's not any concern of mine.
All I know is that that operation needs to happen no matter what, then I'll deal with the consequences of having gone through with it. I don't give a single fuck about any hospital staff being very pissed at me for my lies and manipulation. Yes I use them to my advantage. Yes I'm probably also putting their careers at risk. This lack of empathy really is neat sometimes. Although I am still somewhat careful about how I decide to make use of it.
Meaning I'm still very hesitant to use it on people that are close to me or care about me, like friends and family, even teachers and classmates to some degree. However, when it comes to mental health care providers, I'm not so restricted. Never have been, having had empathy or not. Sure it has crossed my mind that I could potentially be putting their careers at risk, which could lead to me even fucking up their private and personal lives as well, when all they wanted was to help me and do their jobs. I know it's very unethical and immoral of me, perhaps even evil. But in my world, they're there to serve me. They don't need me, I need them.
And although me wrecking their lives might even cause me to feel bad, I'm sure I will still not regret having done it, if it really did improve my own situation. However, I can't possibly be certain that my surgeon or the trans team in Huddinge could be charged with some kind of malpractice due to not having seen it coming that they should never have treated me in the first place. I don't know how much the state would blame the specialists more or less responsible for my case for what would be considered "a mistake". If it would come to that.
I think just me being aware of the possibility that they would never consider an untreated DID person a legit transsexual isn't completely unreasonable. Sure, many people with some kind of DID have cross-gender alters, it's actually pretty common, but I do think it's kinda significant that I only have one alter and that one just happens to be very much female. That, I think, would make any health care professional think of me as not male enough for a transsexualism diagnosis. They're pretty strict about that. Though of course, during the tests I took when they investigated/tested for my gender identity, I only considered my part of my two personalities, and sure I did get my diagnosis. Back in spring 2010.
It's interesting that I'm firmly against non-binary gender identities (although I don't want to get into exactly why as of now, it's not relevant to this), but still am very aware of that it's very likely that I would have considered myself non-binary if I hadn't split. At least it's a solid theory that I've always had in the back of my mind. I know I didn't start to actually feel that I'm male until after my split. My theory, in more detail, is that I was pretty much 50-50 male/female before the split, but that after it, I got the male part and Anna got the female part. However, I'm also aware of that I wanted a male body already sometime around age 7, which was 2 years before the split. So no, I don't think it's certain that I wouldn't have been trans if I hadn't split, it is just a theory.
That's what I thought. No way the doctors would allow me to have SRS as it is now if I'd let them know. Found an article online. Said if they'd know about a person with DID seeking gender reassignment, they would require for either integration (merging of all alters and core personality) or for all personalities to agree on gender reassignment before even considering letting them go through with it. So yeah, I'll keep my mouth so fucking shut about it for as long as I need to.
However if my reveal would freak the doctors out so to the point they would refuse to prescribe me more testosterone... I think really the only thing I could do in that case is to refuse taking estrogen (since I will have had a full hysterectomy by then, meaning me being without testo and refusing estro would put my health at risk, not being able to physically produce sufficient amounts of either hormone on my own, however that's not my reason for wanting a hysterectomy) and foolishly hope they'll eventually cave in and give me back my testo. I don't have much of a choice but to take that risk. My choices basically stand between risking fucking up my hormone levels like that, and risking something much, much worse.
Okay I'm much calmer now. Don't know it's the booze or my solution sinking in (I've had about 2 drinks), but I do feel much more calm now regardless. I know probably a whole lot of people, although I can't say for sure which ones, would think of it as an incredibly bad idea for me to keep up my lies and go through with SRS despite this incredibly dangerous situation, but I will never ever let anything stop me from going through with it. It's that important. I'd rather take any and every risk possible than opt out of it or wait another 8 years. But I do think that me fully intending to seek any help and every possible kind of help available as soon as possible after the operation, is reasonable for me. Then I'm done compromising.
I won't be holding anything back then, even though knowing that Anna surely won't like me revealing all that stuff. And I will push as hard as I can for my therapist, or even nurses at the hospital, to help me with this. I'm not concerned with the amounts of how pathetic it will make me feel, pleading and begging for any help possibly available. I'd even literally kneel if that would be necessary. Cause I know, that no matter how seriously I take myself and how much self respect I have, this is fucking serious. And there's absolutely no way that I'll ignore this and just "hope for the best". No fucking way.
I know I need to take action, the sooner the better, but I also know that Anna won't do anything before me having gone through with that operation. That is definitely certain. I know I can't trust her most of the time, but on this I'm sure that I can. Her plan is very precise, and entails this: she won't do anything as long as I look the way I do now, but after having gone through the surgery, she says she will do it.
I do know her pretty well, and I can always tell when she's trying to deceive me these days, meaning, I can read her thoughts and not just hear what she's saying, as well as sense any amount of insecurity or conflict within her. In that sense I do have a fair amount of power over her. Sometimes she does say things, but her thoughts say something else and me noticing that always puts her in an awkward "oh crap" -situation. She knows perfectly well that she can't hide her true intentions from me, just as much as it goes the other way around.
I have 5 layers of "voices" in my head. 1) my own conscious thoughts 2) Anna's voice 3) my own "unwanted" or impulsive thoughts, those that pop up in an underlying layer and I have no control over 4) Anna's unwanted or impulsive thoughts, the one's that she has no control over and 5) a very vague layer of even deeper subconscious thoughts that are more closely related to some kind of "hunches" or initial reflexes, that I don't know for sure if they're my own entirely or a mix of mine and Anna's.
However, layer 4 that I listed are definitely the most important key for me to be able to get through to Anna, as that is essentially her unfiltered, most real and sincere aspects that she can't hide from me. I wasn't even aware of that part of her until somewhere around 5-6 years ago or so. But it's very certain that those are indeed her thoughts and not something from my part of our personality. They are very easy for me to distinguish from my own such thoughts, meaning layer 3.
Yeah it's pretty damn chaotic in my head, but I can definitely categorise the shit going on in there into those 5 layers. But of course, the first 2 layers make up about 90% of all the activity in our mind though. With that said however, it was her underlying, sincere thoughts, that told me about what she's planning to do to me. I'm sure she didn't intend for me to find out about it quite that way (she still very much wants to just ignore that I can literally read her mind, she does somehow underestimate me a lot). But, that makes me even more scared. If it had been her actually telling me about her fucked up plans with her conscious voice, I wouldn't have been nearly as scared as I am now.
Because, as I hope you might know by now, I do trust that 4th layer a lot more than her actual, intended voice, and when I got to know about this from her unintended voice, then got it confirmed, of course I freaked out. The world did start moving slower, nearly stopped. Having lived with her for almost 2 decades now, I have learned when to trust my instincts in regards to her plans/threats. I know it's real this time. She's not joking around. She didn't even mean for me to find out. But I did.
So I really don't think I'm overreacting. If anything I find it odd that I'm not having a stronger reaction. I guess maybe I'm just dulled by all the darkness that it's difficult for me to connect to my own sense of self. And me not wanting for it to be true. So I just halfway accept it and know I need to act on it, but also halfway not being able to take it in. Like I'm somehow shifting rapidly between "what the fuck!" and "huh?" as I remain conflicted between emotion and intellect. But I focus on my intellect mostly, cause whether or not my emotions are on board, I do know that this I really shouldn't discard.
Doesn't matter if she'll actually do it or not, the fact that there is a significant risk that she will is more than enough. Yeah, I guess I can "take" her raping me, but her causing me permanent disfigurement, that's definitely crossing the line. She is all of my fears combined.
I have always thought that our fights are between us, but I've also always known that there might come day when I'll just have no other option than to reach out to others. No, of course I don't think the psychiatry would just believe me right away, nor do I think they'll have any immediate solutions, but if anyone could ever help me, I think it would be them. Especially those specialised in DID or similar diagnoses. I don't give a fuck about who could eventually help me, as long as someone, anyone could. Really am not picky about that.
I know it will, after SRS, come to that kind of point where I'll reach out to literally anyone, revealing myself completely vulnerable, not holding back at all anymore. I'm far more scared of my own damn disconnected self than of being that vulnerable. I haven't lost our war, I haven't completely given in yet. And I never will.
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