Cognitive dissonance

Why not write about more about my unpopular opinions? While I've been at it before? I've tapped into this earlier this year, which might have been a hint, but not gotten into the real depth of it yet. I think this might be important even though I'm still kinda managing this situation. It could get out of control, it could get worse, stronger. Even harmful. It is a cognitive dissonance meaning that I hold two contradictory views/beliefs about the same thing, at the same time, but only act upon the far better of them, and for damn good reasons. But I can't find a way to balance them out, or come to an agreement with myself. Feminism, such a difficult topic for me.

I know I have a negative and likely even sexist view on what's considered female traits (both in regards to physical attributes and personality/gender associated attributes) because of my own self hatred and dysphoria which I realise affect the way I view other people with similar bodies/body parts as well as women in general, both cis and trans. Yeah I'm looking down on females and femininity cause of some kind of internalised transphobia and thinking too highly of males and masculinity.

I hide it well though, I really don't want for any of my friends and lovers, whether they're female, male, cis or trans, to know that I hold misogynistic views/feelings. I don't want to have those kind of views and feelings, they're hurting myself and I know that if I let them out they could very likely hurt others as well. Almost all of my friends are very strongly feminists, regardless of their own gender situation. Trying my best to fight and stand for total gender equality when I also hold misogynistic views isn't easy. Like trying to push a rock in two different directions at once to get it to move forward. I contradict myself, it's reason against emotion that go in opposite directions.

Intellectually and even somewhat emotionally, I know that there's nothing wrong with being female or being feminine, that the gender or the sex isn't bad, it's equal to its opposite - but most of my emotional activity just doesn't want to jump on board to that. It says no, it's wrong, it's gross and why would anyone want to be a woman? It says they're weaker, overly sensitive and emotional and demand far too much in society. It wants to put them in their place or man them up.

It's horrid, it's disgusting and I know I haven't always felt that way towards female people. It started around the time I came out as trans and started my transition. I was worried that me being myself, living as my true gender, would make me misogynistic. I had all reasons to worry. And well, not only do my emotions like to put women down, but also they want to praise men way too fucking high. I can't say for sure that it only has to do with my own dysphoria and disgust for my own female body parts, my idolisation of maleness and masculinity, my extreme cis envy, and with me being so damn gay that I literally glorify other men - but I can say that I think it's very likely all of those things have a lot to do with this.

It does lean over to an unhealthy obsession and idolisation that has become toxic and dangerous to my view on sex and gender in society. How can I call myself a feminist? That would be very incorrect, but I also know that I kinda hold onto that label, because I don't want to be misogynistic, sexist and bigoted. I want to be able to actually think of men and women as equally good, awesome, valuable and deserving of just as much respect, acceptance, love and freedom. And I want to view people individually, not based on sex and gender. I want to change my sucky feelings cause I know they're wrong and harmful and I don't want them around.

I never act upon them, I never even express having them, until now. I'm afraid of people finding out. But more afraid of me losing control over them one day, for them to actually become harmful to others. This is a cognitive dissonance that I have no idea what to do about. Cause at the same time as I want freedom and equality for both men and women - I still am misogynistic and sexist as well, but I don't want to be.

So yeah, what I do about it so far is act on my logic and reasoning instead of my fucked up feelings. And I know this isn't new, I've been fighting those feelings for the past 8 years, since I was around 19-20. I don't know if I can ever change them, but I'm sure they are there for a reason. Maybe, just maybe dealing with my own dysphoria and body issues and getting over myself and my past could be a big step in the right direction of praising women a bit more and praising men a bit less. But I can't know that for sure, and even if, I still will probably never see a day when my emotions say "they're all equal". This is definitely one of those things I want to say that I'm working on, but honestly I have no idea what to even possibly do about it. I've just kept pushing that rock in opposite directions at once, hoping I'll figure something out eventually. I've gotten nowhere.